orpheus_
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 26
I want to get better. I really do. I believe life can be decent and I don't want to loose my chance to experience things. But I can't get rid of the feeling that I will die soon, from my own hand, the thought of ctbing still comes back to me.
For the first time in my life, I got diagnosed with depression a few months ago. I started taking meds which apparently worked, and now at least I'm functional (I was at the point of not being able to get out of bed, now I'm going to college classes, although it's hard as hell). For some time after starting the meds I had hope that things will be good again. Hell, I even started feeling pleasure sometimes (I lost the ability to feel anything positive for the last, like, 2 years). I felt actually decent for a month or two, but now everything is fading away again. I guess my initial shock and enthusiasm of "oh, every second of existence is no longer suffering" went away, and.. the constant pain is slowly coming back. I'm still functioning, doing what I'm supposed to do, but I feel empty and on the verge of tears all the time.
Everything seems empty. The world feels too complicated and overwhelming, and I can't take interest in anything. I used to be curious, had many interests in the past, but all of that is gone. My relationships with people (which I don't have many in my life) feel superficial and fake. I thought a lot about my life. I had plans, dreams, even something one could call a "meaning". I wanted to be good to others, I wanted to experience things. I wanted to create art. But I'm so fucking tired of just existing. I can't get myself to do anything out of curiosity or interest. I thought this ability was coming back to me once I started taking meds and feeling better, but it seems like it's going away again.
Hell, I even started going to therapy because apparently "that helps many people". I'm not convinced it can help me personally, but might as well try, even though it's expensive as hell. I just wanted to do anything to get better. I can't say much about whether it will help at the moment, because I've only been through one session. I'm trying to cooperate. Really, just to find anything that will let me feel better. But I keep coming back to the conclusion that... well, while therapy might help some people who have resolvable problems, like trauma, fears etc - I have a problem with existence itself. I'm afraid no therapist can help with that.
I feel so distant from the world and from other people. Like I will never experience life normally again. My only meaningful relationship is falling apart, and I don't even feel like I have people to live for. Still, I don't want to hurt my parents. But I know they don't know the true "me", they would only be sad about losing "the idea of a child", not losing "me". We don't know one another, I'm just an abstract concept to them. Especially now when I moved out of my family home and we don't meet very often.
I feel like nobody understands me, like I'm simply not made to live. I am privileged, my life is objectively good, I haven't experienced any kind of trauma, no physical or mental illness (other that depression, I guess). No problems to solve. It's like simply living is painful, for no reason. I can't find my place in this world, and I feel like the only way for me is to leave it.
I really don't want to die. I really want to try, to get better, but what if that's.. just not possible? I see no way in which my problems could be resolved - my only problem is living itself. Yet I'm still trying to stop myself from using the SN I have, hell knows why. Why am I even still trying? And is there really a way to get out of this, other than death..? I really wish there was.
For the first time in my life, I got diagnosed with depression a few months ago. I started taking meds which apparently worked, and now at least I'm functional (I was at the point of not being able to get out of bed, now I'm going to college classes, although it's hard as hell). For some time after starting the meds I had hope that things will be good again. Hell, I even started feeling pleasure sometimes (I lost the ability to feel anything positive for the last, like, 2 years). I felt actually decent for a month or two, but now everything is fading away again. I guess my initial shock and enthusiasm of "oh, every second of existence is no longer suffering" went away, and.. the constant pain is slowly coming back. I'm still functioning, doing what I'm supposed to do, but I feel empty and on the verge of tears all the time.
Everything seems empty. The world feels too complicated and overwhelming, and I can't take interest in anything. I used to be curious, had many interests in the past, but all of that is gone. My relationships with people (which I don't have many in my life) feel superficial and fake. I thought a lot about my life. I had plans, dreams, even something one could call a "meaning". I wanted to be good to others, I wanted to experience things. I wanted to create art. But I'm so fucking tired of just existing. I can't get myself to do anything out of curiosity or interest. I thought this ability was coming back to me once I started taking meds and feeling better, but it seems like it's going away again.
Hell, I even started going to therapy because apparently "that helps many people". I'm not convinced it can help me personally, but might as well try, even though it's expensive as hell. I just wanted to do anything to get better. I can't say much about whether it will help at the moment, because I've only been through one session. I'm trying to cooperate. Really, just to find anything that will let me feel better. But I keep coming back to the conclusion that... well, while therapy might help some people who have resolvable problems, like trauma, fears etc - I have a problem with existence itself. I'm afraid no therapist can help with that.
I feel so distant from the world and from other people. Like I will never experience life normally again. My only meaningful relationship is falling apart, and I don't even feel like I have people to live for. Still, I don't want to hurt my parents. But I know they don't know the true "me", they would only be sad about losing "the idea of a child", not losing "me". We don't know one another, I'm just an abstract concept to them. Especially now when I moved out of my family home and we don't meet very often.
I feel like nobody understands me, like I'm simply not made to live. I am privileged, my life is objectively good, I haven't experienced any kind of trauma, no physical or mental illness (other that depression, I guess). No problems to solve. It's like simply living is painful, for no reason. I can't find my place in this world, and I feel like the only way for me is to leave it.
I really don't want to die. I really want to try, to get better, but what if that's.. just not possible? I see no way in which my problems could be resolved - my only problem is living itself. Yet I'm still trying to stop myself from using the SN I have, hell knows why. Why am I even still trying? And is there really a way to get out of this, other than death..? I really wish there was.
