I want to hate myself

[expiredhuman]

I got these mindfulness/"learn to love yourself" books for my birthday that made me want to puke. It was kind of them, but yeah... I'm not even going to look at them. Getting these books made me realise that I don't even want to like myself. I don't have bad self esteem, I just know my true self worth. I don't want to lie to myself. In fact, I don't think I hate myself enough. I'll have days where I think "maybe I'm not that bad" - nope, wrong! You're a disgusting, ugly piece of shit whore. :D
On the rare occasions when someone other than my mom compliments me or says something nice I'll get that really nice, warm, fuzzy feeling, but then I'll quickly remember I really shouldn't be feeling like this. I just tell myself how much I fucking suck until the feeling disappears and I feel like shit again. The way it should be.

 

[Rollo]

Isn't self-esteem and self-worth the same thing? And it sure looks like you have it at very low point. Not lying to yourself is a healthy thing to do but not lying and hating on yourself are kinda different things.

 

[Empty Smile]

Even if you don't really read the books, put a page marker between two pages to make it look like you are, just in case someone sees the books laying around.