Venting I want to go tonight

[Jodes]

I don't know what to write. I don't know if this will be it, it probably won't be. But it feels close, because all the little things that helped get me though seem gone.

Technically I just need to make the exit bag. It's a final thing I've been putting off. I have a nice big tank, so even though the flow meter's buggered I can have a guess by how quickly it fills up a small bag.

I want to do it on the floor with a pillow. I haven't got much room anywhere.

I'm going to spend the day listening to music, probably a spot of crying, maybe kicking shit, and knocking back clonazepam given that I'd say this counts as pretty fucking anxious.

This is one shitty fucking planet

 

[EphemeralDream]

Wishing you well. Good luck, hope you find peace ctb tonight or not :-)

 

[GeorgeJL]

May the turkey bag be with you. I mean may the peace be with you. LOL

 

[TreatmentDidntWork]

Best wishes. I hope you feel better- whether because you've CTB or because life got a little less shitty.

 

[Ashpac]

I agree this is one shitty planet. Although I'd say it's humans that have made it more miserable than it needed to be. Good luck if you do it. If not, it's not your time yet.

 

[Jodes]

May the turkey bag be with you. I mean may the peace be with you. LOL

Out of principle I decided against a turkey bag - I hope when suicide is legalized they don't keep calling it that lol. Zip bag. It's a Zip bag!!

Thank you everyone for all the replies already, it's great knowing I have people here with me on this, however it goes

 

[Roberto]

A big hug! The world is quite shitty. Have a nice trip to the other side if it's your time. If not, I will be happy to see you again.

 

[wanttodie]

good luck

 

[Jodes]

It's so surreal. It's like waiting a year to go on holiday then suddenly being at the airport.

The food is lousy, but I brought my own coffee. The only entertainment is netflix and I've even gotta make my own oxygen mask now lol. Is this fucking Ryanair?

 

[throwaway123]

Good luck

 

[Jodes]

Looks like I'm delaying it - sorry for the false alarm.

I'm more prepared now. But my psych impressively got me out of near certain suicide mode.

I'm waiting to be put on more meds, I've already just upped one. See how it goes, but my patience is stretched. I think it only worked because spending all day yesterday thinking I would CTB soon really cheered me up LOL - and thank you everyone for being there for me, it played no small part at all. Thank you everyone

 

[Charlotte The Carrot]

I'm really glad to hear you're postponing it. You seem to be a very sweet cookie <3

 

[Jodes]

I'm really glad to hear you're postponing it. You seem to be a very sweet cookie <3

Thank you, that does mean a lot. I haven't seen you before because I had a break and you seem new - you joined on valentines day? :(

 

[Soon4me]

Good luck!

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

Looks like I'm delaying it - sorry for the false alarm.

I'm more prepared now. But my psych impressively got me out of near certain suicide mode.

I'm waiting to be put on more meds, I've already just upped one. See how it goes, but my patience is stretched. I think it only worked because spending all day yesterday thinking I would CTB soon really cheered me up LOL - and thank you everyone for being there for me, it played no small part at all. Thank you everyone

Sorry I'm a bit drunk and got stuck in time zonesx. When are you planning to do it? Wish you peace and patient journey

 

[Jodes]

@Severnayasemiramida , I don't know how long I'm putting it on hold for at all.

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

@Severnayasemiramida , I don't know how long I'm putting it on hold for at all.

I was shoked seing a guy who chats with me about random stuff wanting to ctb "right now". Always thought it's just a choice, that it's okay if someone wants to kill hisself but st that moment I got totally fucked up with that.
Think I need to go to the bar and drink a bit more

 

[Jodes]

I was shoked seing a guy who chats with me about random stuff wanting to ctb "right now". Always thought it's just a choice, that it's okay if someone wants to kill hisself but st that moment I got totally fucked up with that.
Think I need to go to the bar and drink a bit more

I think I know what you mean? My moods are like a roller coaster, so I sort of take the average, and base things on that. So when a low mood comes, and I get an impulse, I allow a previous decision to kind of guide my crazy blind actions. Yeh - my life is fucked! I am NOT in control. But I DO want to die as soon as I can without hurting people.