Man. I hate myself and my suicidality. SI has been a shadow over my shoulder since I was ten years old. I have tried so, so many methods to help heal from that pain, and nothing ever works. It goes away for a little while, maybe, but then something inevitably happens and a few months of me genuinely feeling like things can get better turns into another few years of me being suicidal.
It's so hard for me to remember times in my life when I planned for a future and really believed I'd see it. I was born in the States. When I was young I was raised Mormon in an upper-middle-class family of two parents and eight children (I was child #7, the youngest daughter, with a younger brother after me) and none of that went very well for me at all. ADHD, borderline personality disorder, autism, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation/behavior, etc. Initially growing up my plan was the classic nuclear American family: I was gonna do my school, I was gonna be faithful in the LDS Church, I was gonna go to college and do BYU's Air Force ROTC program and become a medic, I was gonna meet my God-ordained spouse and get married in the temple... I remember I had planned to leave for college when I was 17. I don't exactly recall when that plan went out the window but boy did it.
I don't remember the first time I thought "I'm not going to live to see 20" but I believed it so strong and so hard I almost comitted suicide the night before my 20th birthday. I cried at 11:50pm and finally told my brother that I didn't want to die, I wanted to be 20.
It was unbelievable that I'd made it. I didn't know what to do then. It's been a few years now. A few months after I turned 20 I had really begun some amazing healing and thought that my life was changing for the better, and I met the most amazing and beautiful person who swept me up in as much love and patience and care as I could imagine. I tried to give her the same. Years went by and it was wonderful, but my progress didn't stay... I got stressed, I got anxious, I got afraid, I got suicidal again... and she finally left. I got so hurt and upset and suicidal that others left, too, since they couldn't handle the pain I was spewing. Yeah, me neither. It's why I'm suicidal.
Partners, friends, family, therapy, psychiatry, hospitalizations, medications, I've tried it all so many times for so long and the pain doesn't really abate. I can't get a single guarantee of anything, and I'm told that's what life is, and my response is: that's supposed to make me not want to die? That's supposed to make life worth living? If living life means accepting that everyone I love can abandon me at any time for any reason and that that's not unfair and I can't be uspet about that/fight to change that then I don't want to live life.
I want to get better, but nothing works. I'm not getting better. I've been struggling so long I don't recall a world where I wasn't fighting tooth and nail just to exist. My mother was 40 when I was born and struggled to produce enough breast milk for me, but wasn't aware of this until I straight-up gave up on nursing because it took me so much effort to get so little milk. Once my parents knew about the issue they got me to a therapist and Mom got this special set of fake tits with either formula or her pumped milk in them for me to nurse with and until I was done nursing I needed a therapist because little me couldn't trust that the effort I put in would get me the milk I needed.
I feel myself looking at that now. I have the opportunity to go to what looks like a really wonderful residential care facility that has people I so far genuinely enjoy talking to and programs/therapies that I'm really interested in (EMDR, equine therapy, ketamine therapy, genetic testing for medications, help with my ARFID) but I'm looking at the shambles of relationships so fucking important to me and all I want is to keep those relationships and I don't trust even a little bit that going to this location is going to resolve any of those things. I don't want to put in all this effort to come back to these people still not wanting me. And it's not worth it to me if none of them will say "yeah, I'll try talking to you when you're out." I don't know how to change that and honestly don't find myself wanting that to change. I want them to not abandon me.
And how the hell am I supposed to heal through that?
It's so hard for me to remember times in my life when I planned for a future and really believed I'd see it. I was born in the States. When I was young I was raised Mormon in an upper-middle-class family of two parents and eight children (I was child #7, the youngest daughter, with a younger brother after me) and none of that went very well for me at all. ADHD, borderline personality disorder, autism, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation/behavior, etc. Initially growing up my plan was the classic nuclear American family: I was gonna do my school, I was gonna be faithful in the LDS Church, I was gonna go to college and do BYU's Air Force ROTC program and become a medic, I was gonna meet my God-ordained spouse and get married in the temple... I remember I had planned to leave for college when I was 17. I don't exactly recall when that plan went out the window but boy did it.
I don't remember the first time I thought "I'm not going to live to see 20" but I believed it so strong and so hard I almost comitted suicide the night before my 20th birthday. I cried at 11:50pm and finally told my brother that I didn't want to die, I wanted to be 20.
It was unbelievable that I'd made it. I didn't know what to do then. It's been a few years now. A few months after I turned 20 I had really begun some amazing healing and thought that my life was changing for the better, and I met the most amazing and beautiful person who swept me up in as much love and patience and care as I could imagine. I tried to give her the same. Years went by and it was wonderful, but my progress didn't stay... I got stressed, I got anxious, I got afraid, I got suicidal again... and she finally left. I got so hurt and upset and suicidal that others left, too, since they couldn't handle the pain I was spewing. Yeah, me neither. It's why I'm suicidal.
Partners, friends, family, therapy, psychiatry, hospitalizations, medications, I've tried it all so many times for so long and the pain doesn't really abate. I can't get a single guarantee of anything, and I'm told that's what life is, and my response is: that's supposed to make me not want to die? That's supposed to make life worth living? If living life means accepting that everyone I love can abandon me at any time for any reason and that that's not unfair and I can't be uspet about that/fight to change that then I don't want to live life.
I want to get better, but nothing works. I'm not getting better. I've been struggling so long I don't recall a world where I wasn't fighting tooth and nail just to exist. My mother was 40 when I was born and struggled to produce enough breast milk for me, but wasn't aware of this until I straight-up gave up on nursing because it took me so much effort to get so little milk. Once my parents knew about the issue they got me to a therapist and Mom got this special set of fake tits with either formula or her pumped milk in them for me to nurse with and until I was done nursing I needed a therapist because little me couldn't trust that the effort I put in would get me the milk I needed.
I feel myself looking at that now. I have the opportunity to go to what looks like a really wonderful residential care facility that has people I so far genuinely enjoy talking to and programs/therapies that I'm really interested in (EMDR, equine therapy, ketamine therapy, genetic testing for medications, help with my ARFID) but I'm looking at the shambles of relationships so fucking important to me and all I want is to keep those relationships and I don't trust even a little bit that going to this location is going to resolve any of those things. I don't want to put in all this effort to come back to these people still not wanting me. And it's not worth it to me if none of them will say "yeah, I'll try talking to you when you're out." I don't know how to change that and honestly don't find myself wanting that to change. I want them to not abandon me.
And how the hell am I supposed to heal through that?
