I have no future, I don't feel anything, nothing brings me pleasure, I have no motivation or life goals. If I were standing on a roof today, I wouldn't be able to do it, because for NOW I can just lie in my room and do nothing, I'm indifferent to everything, but my SI is strong, and I can't fucking deny this, I am fucking hostage of this body. I can't feel anything, I don't have the impulse required for suicide. It is so much fucking easier for healthy people who have gone through a breakup or stuff to kill themselves, they are pushed by real pain and emotions, and all I have is apathy and my logical conclusions.
My studies are collapsing and very soon I will be kicked fucking out of university, and then drafted into the army, and dragged into the war to become a fucking animal. I can't allow that to happen, I need to die for rational reasons because my life could soon become ten times worse and it has no value as it is. I don't know how to feel anything except physical pain, which they want to inflict on me. I want to lie on the couch and do nothing, but no one will let me do that. I won't be able to find a job, I won't be able to fit into their society, I am not capable of living the "adult life" everyone demands from me
Recently I started remembering my childhood and analyzing the reasons how I ended up in this situation, remembering my narcissistic grandmother whom my parents would leave me with for months at a time, her screams "You'll be the death of me," "Stop doing this. What will other people think?", "Good boys don't do that", "What's for lunch today, grandma? You'll eat what I give you!", "I don't want to eat this anymore... Ungrateful, you don't love me, in our family we always finish our food, it's not up for discussion, think about what people went through during the war!" and a bunch of other shit I don't remember, I have fucking amnesia.
I remember the cruel homeroom teacher who made everyone sit in total silence, forced us all to wear the same clothes and be quiet, listened to no one but herself. The narcissistic coach who screamed at me in front of everyone during meetings until I cried. There was never anyone to protect me. I was always completely alone and I will always be alone until I get rid of this disgusting life.
I remember how my father beat me with a belt, how my mother locked me on a cold balcony so she wouldn't hear me cry, how I was afraid to confess about bad grades and like, just anything at all, how everyone always told me what to do and how to behave "correctly," how my opinion was of no interest to anyone.
My entire environment consisted of narcissists and indifferent cold people who never showed me compassion or empathy. I am afraid to stand out, I am afraid of telling my opinion, I am afraid of everything, but at the same time I desperately want understanding and love. All I really am is an insecure, forsaken, traumatized child who wants care, who hid his whole life behind a mask of apathy, with voices in his head constantly belittling him and telling him he is worthless. I have no personality, I never had favorite music, favorite dishes, I never knew what I really wanted to do with my life, I never had any hobbies. The sports section where I spent my time was also chosen for me, I never enjoyed it. I never had my own opinion, I just tried to adapt to everyone. I'm sure I have CPTSD, I have nothing to talk to people about except my childhood trauma, I am an empty shell who never had anything. And this is probably just the tip of the iceberg, I don't remember half of my childhood, I don't know how much more bullshit I went through, my brain is hiding it all from me.
I'm completely non functional. In the last 5 years, I haven't had a single friend, no one who thought about me and wanted to text me, no one gives a damn about me, I don't give a damn about anyone else, no one has ever kissed me, no one has ever asked me to hang out, no one has ever held me close or held my hand, I don't know if my mother ever kissed me, I don't know if anyone ever hugged me. I want love and warmth but I am incapable of it and no one can give it to me. I am so cooked, that I can't even allow myself listening to songs with lyrics about love because I never had it. All that's left are thoughts about the cruelty of life and its meaninglessness
There is no one who would be truly upset if I died, except maybe my parents, whom I dream of seeing shattered after my death, realizing what they have done. These fantasies bring me pleasure. If someone from my family died, I wouldn't feel anything, I am not emotionally attached to any of them, I am incapable of that towards anyone at all. If my father dies, it will only be bad because there will be no one else to earn money and pay for my existence. I won't miss him, I just won't be able to take on the new responsibilities of adult life and the list of rational reasons to kill myself will only grow, but I will still feel nothing
I've thought about this a lot in recent days, in the end I burst into tears, I felt sadness, I felt more real than ever in my life, I enjoyed it and wanted to never stop crying. Yesterday I wasn't numb for a moment and felt all the sadness and loneliness that had been deeply hidden inside me all this time. The world started to feel like it did in childhood, when something new was hiding around every corner. I thought I would never experience those sensations again. Yesterday I was alive and more ready for death than ever before. If I had been standing on a roof yesterday, the pain and emotions accumulated over all this time I was able to finally feel, even if muffled, would be the the impulse I so desired that pushed me from the edge and helped me to get rid of this cursed burden of existence
But today I am numb again, I can't feel anything again, I can't cry, but I want to, I can hardly squeeze a couple of tears from me and then there is a completely gray wall in front of me. My brain is protecting me, but the cold understanding that I must do this for rational reasons still remains. I am indifferent to everything, I am too passive to go and find a tall building or a decent anchor point for FSH, I'm a fucking piece of meat without a soul
I reread this garbage I deficated, and I see a bland, gray piece of shit written by a robot. I don't know how to express my emotions, I deserve to be completely ignored, no one will be able to resonate with me, I'm a fucking invisible garbage even here, I am ignored my whole fucking life by anyone, I am just a weirdo, fucking creep, I am disgusted by myself, but I'll post this anyway, nothing fucking makes any sense, it's all a fucking joke, I don't give a fuck
My studies are collapsing and very soon I will be kicked fucking out of university, and then drafted into the army, and dragged into the war to become a fucking animal. I can't allow that to happen, I need to die for rational reasons because my life could soon become ten times worse and it has no value as it is. I don't know how to feel anything except physical pain, which they want to inflict on me. I want to lie on the couch and do nothing, but no one will let me do that. I won't be able to find a job, I won't be able to fit into their society, I am not capable of living the "adult life" everyone demands from me
Recently I started remembering my childhood and analyzing the reasons how I ended up in this situation, remembering my narcissistic grandmother whom my parents would leave me with for months at a time, her screams "You'll be the death of me," "Stop doing this. What will other people think?", "Good boys don't do that", "What's for lunch today, grandma? You'll eat what I give you!", "I don't want to eat this anymore... Ungrateful, you don't love me, in our family we always finish our food, it's not up for discussion, think about what people went through during the war!" and a bunch of other shit I don't remember, I have fucking amnesia.
I remember the cruel homeroom teacher who made everyone sit in total silence, forced us all to wear the same clothes and be quiet, listened to no one but herself. The narcissistic coach who screamed at me in front of everyone during meetings until I cried. There was never anyone to protect me. I was always completely alone and I will always be alone until I get rid of this disgusting life.
I remember how my father beat me with a belt, how my mother locked me on a cold balcony so she wouldn't hear me cry, how I was afraid to confess about bad grades and like, just anything at all, how everyone always told me what to do and how to behave "correctly," how my opinion was of no interest to anyone.
My entire environment consisted of narcissists and indifferent cold people who never showed me compassion or empathy. I am afraid to stand out, I am afraid of telling my opinion, I am afraid of everything, but at the same time I desperately want understanding and love. All I really am is an insecure, forsaken, traumatized child who wants care, who hid his whole life behind a mask of apathy, with voices in his head constantly belittling him and telling him he is worthless. I have no personality, I never had favorite music, favorite dishes, I never knew what I really wanted to do with my life, I never had any hobbies. The sports section where I spent my time was also chosen for me, I never enjoyed it. I never had my own opinion, I just tried to adapt to everyone. I'm sure I have CPTSD, I have nothing to talk to people about except my childhood trauma, I am an empty shell who never had anything. And this is probably just the tip of the iceberg, I don't remember half of my childhood, I don't know how much more bullshit I went through, my brain is hiding it all from me.
I'm completely non functional. In the last 5 years, I haven't had a single friend, no one who thought about me and wanted to text me, no one gives a damn about me, I don't give a damn about anyone else, no one has ever kissed me, no one has ever asked me to hang out, no one has ever held me close or held my hand, I don't know if my mother ever kissed me, I don't know if anyone ever hugged me. I want love and warmth but I am incapable of it and no one can give it to me. I am so cooked, that I can't even allow myself listening to songs with lyrics about love because I never had it. All that's left are thoughts about the cruelty of life and its meaninglessness
There is no one who would be truly upset if I died, except maybe my parents, whom I dream of seeing shattered after my death, realizing what they have done. These fantasies bring me pleasure. If someone from my family died, I wouldn't feel anything, I am not emotionally attached to any of them, I am incapable of that towards anyone at all. If my father dies, it will only be bad because there will be no one else to earn money and pay for my existence. I won't miss him, I just won't be able to take on the new responsibilities of adult life and the list of rational reasons to kill myself will only grow, but I will still feel nothing
I've thought about this a lot in recent days, in the end I burst into tears, I felt sadness, I felt more real than ever in my life, I enjoyed it and wanted to never stop crying. Yesterday I wasn't numb for a moment and felt all the sadness and loneliness that had been deeply hidden inside me all this time. The world started to feel like it did in childhood, when something new was hiding around every corner. I thought I would never experience those sensations again. Yesterday I was alive and more ready for death than ever before. If I had been standing on a roof yesterday, the pain and emotions accumulated over all this time I was able to finally feel, even if muffled, would be the the impulse I so desired that pushed me from the edge and helped me to get rid of this cursed burden of existence
But today I am numb again, I can't feel anything again, I can't cry, but I want to, I can hardly squeeze a couple of tears from me and then there is a completely gray wall in front of me. My brain is protecting me, but the cold understanding that I must do this for rational reasons still remains. I am indifferent to everything, I am too passive to go and find a tall building or a decent anchor point for FSH, I'm a fucking piece of meat without a soul
I reread this garbage I deficated, and I see a bland, gray piece of shit written by a robot. I don't know how to express my emotions, I deserve to be completely ignored, no one will be able to resonate with me, I'm a fucking invisible garbage even here, I am ignored my whole fucking life by anyone, I am just a weirdo, fucking creep, I am disgusted by myself, but I'll post this anyway, nothing fucking makes any sense, it's all a fucking joke, I don't give a fuck
