I want to be hated

[monetpompo]

An intrusive thought I have often is that everyone hates me or thinks I'm annoying but they're lying to me and pretending I'm not so that they can make fun of me. I think like this because my mom's always treated me like she loves me even though when she gets angry she shouts at me and says I deserve to be homeless because she pays for everything. She only says she hates me when she's angry, but I know she's always hated me if she's looked down on me all my life.

This is one of the main reasons I want to kill myself. I don't believe anyone who says they like me or tells me I'm their friend because my mom scrambled my brain, now I can't tell if people are just manipulating me or making fun of me. In reality, no one hates me— ever. No one ever hates me besides my mom because I have never wronged anyone to make them hate me, but I want them to hate me because I feel uncomfortable when people actually enjoy my company because I constantly feel like a bad person. Since my mom thinks I'm a leech that makes no money and since I always push my friends away because I'm emotionally volatile. It's easier to just isolate because no one will ever have to know how I feel.

An ongoing thing I've had with a friend of mine is wanting to send him money because I feel like I contribute nothing to his life. He always tells me no, but I want to give him money because it's not like I'm going to do anything with it if I'm going to die. He probably knows that I want to give him money because I'm suicidal and also because of his normal person moral system that makes him not want to accept money from me. I really want my friend to tell me he hates me even though he doesn't, because I think he's just pretending. I want him to stop pretending and just say that he hates me and that he's sick of me being chronically depressed because it makes me boring to be around. I want him to ghost me like how a normal person would if their friend was depressed, since they would want to talk to someone happier instead. I've always felt like the worst person someone can be. I just want someone to say that they hate me so I can feel like I'm not just being lied to by everyone in my life.

I used to have fantasies about being beaten up and called privileged when I was younger, since I felt like that was what I deserved. I wanted to break all the bones in my body and be told that it was god's punishment for not appreciating my life. I've always been privileged. I was told to think about homeless people whenever I felt unhappy about my life, because homeless people were supposed to be the worst people in the world. I would think, "Why don't my parents just kick me out and make me homeless because I'm such a failure anyways?" But I didn't tell anyone that because I knew no one would take me seriously. When you're really young, adults think self-loathing is either hyperbole or a joke when you hate yourself enough that you want to die. A part of me just wanted to be killed on the street in broad daylight, or brutalized by some insane guy at night. My imagination was always vivid. I really wanted to tell someone these thoughts, but I figured that I didn't matter enough to anyone for them to be concerned about me. I wasn't a good enough kid.

I can't explain why I want to be hated that well or why it would make me feel good. I just think I'm so unimportant that I don't think anyone hates me or likes me. It feels like everyone just forgot about me. It hurts so much.

 

[Namelesa]

I have a great desire to be hated too, mostly from my feelings of guilt that I want the hate to resolve but also I feel like people should and that I deserve it cus of mistakes I make and that I am such an emotional burden. I think I partially want this so that my feelings of self hatred and worthlessness feel validated.

Know logically that you didn't do anything wrong to your mum. No child deserves to be homeless or shouted at as we need to have a safe environment to be raised in. She is the person that deserves to be hated for not treating you right and being a terrible scum of a carer. But of course its really hard to escape those beliefs set early in life, I myself am just so tired of fighting off my self hatred so it just feels easier to stay with said feelings.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi, I feel that. I also fantasize about being beaten up, and I've taken that sort of punishment and others into my own hands to ease that guilt. A year ago I started isolating from everyone in my life, being rude even, just hoping they'd hate me or didn't care about me, that way when I died they'd feel just relief or indifference instead of pain. I've wanted to be hated cos deep down I feel I deserve it. Rationally I know I probably don't, and that you don't either... but boi is it hard to convince ourselves.

I also think a lot that everyone finds me very annoying and secretly can't stand me (which might be partly true). That might stem from some friends I had as a kid that told me repeatedly they only hung out with me cos my mom paid them. Which in retrospect it's just the kind of funny heartless things kids say at that age lol. But it's these things how you develop trust issues.
Having your mom engage in that double dynamic of expressing love and disdain depending on her mood... yeah it's normal you develop these intrusive thoughts and lack of trust.

I guess when you say you want that friend to say he hates you and to ghost you, that's just you not being able to fully believe someone might just like you despite all you don't like about yourself + The constant underlying urge to self sabotage, burn it all down and finally push yourself towards death. As if he did say that I'm pretty sure that would be a final straw no? or help in that way. And I get kinda wanting that.
well those two working in tandem. Lack of trust + wanting to burn bridges. And I guess the aforementioned feeling u deserve it.
neither of those work in your favor... they really just serve to mess you up slowly. It's a lot of work and time to untangle them, making a habit of shushhhing the idiot brain. It's hard, sorry you got to deal with it even :/
I wish you the best in doing so tho <3