I want a new best friend

[Ahlam]

My only friend hates that I seriously get suicidal and is probably even bored of it. I want a new friend who understands it and can talk about it with me all night.

I can't die yet and I hate it.

No, I'm not in the mood to watch you build Lego sets right now. But instead I say "Wow, you finished it already?! That's amazing <3".

I'm aware it's my fault too, it's difficult to know when it's a good time for anything. I think, if I can have someone like me as a friend, it would solve the "We both have to equally give in this relationship" part.

I can't keep doing this to him.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

My only friend hates that I seriously get suicidal and is probably even bored of it. I want a new friend who understands it and can talk about it with me all night.

I can't die yet and I hate it.

No, I'm not in the mood to watch you build Lego sets right now. But instead I say "Wow, you finished it already?! That's amazing <3".

I'm aware it's my fault too, it's difficult to know when it's a good time for anything. I think, if I can have someone like me as a friend, it would solve the "We both have to equally give in this relationship" part.

I can't keep doing this to him.

It's good that you're able to self reflect and look inward like that

 

[Ahlam]

I told him I was deleting Discord and I did. He's asleep right now.

The cycle begins, the ritual never changes until I'm finally gone.

He's either going to call me on my phone or visit my house and won't leave until I come out to see him. I know that, so why do I keep doing things like this?
Am I hoping he does it like a "Are you still my friend?" test?
Is this my way of saying I want extra attention?
Am I really hoping he never talks to me again so I can allow myself to actually go through with it this time?

Am I insane?

 

[RiftbornVeil]

I told him I was deleting Discord and I did. He's asleep right now.

The cycle begins, the ritual never changes until I'm finally gone.

He's either going to call me on my phone or visit my house and won't leave until I come out to see him. I know that, so why do I keep doing things like this?
Am I hoping he does it like a "Are you still my friend?" test?
Is this my way of saying I want extra attention?
Am I really hoping he never talks to me again so I can allow myself to actually go through with it this time?

Am I insane?

Almost the same thing happened to me recently.

In my case, I didn't delete Discord, but I blocked him instead. I can relate to how you feel, and it's unfortunate that your friend couldn't discuss your suffering with you. Suicide is a very emotionally intense topic and not many are willing to tackle it.

You aren't insane at all, and I wish you the best.

 

[Ahlam]

He still hasn't reached out by any other means. Did I actually manage to push him away finally...? After more than a decade of this, did I actually do it?

I used to block him on Discord and he would reach out on What's App, call my phone, or even come to my house. But he hasn't done any of that yet. It's over?

I don't even have any easily accessible methods yet. What do I do now? Is he actually going to wait for me to redownload Discord to talk to him? I'm never going to do that! Over my dead body!

I think I'll just keep bedrotting, punishing myself, self harming myself by not allowing myself to have fun or do anything. Starving myself but still eating so I don't die, not showering, letting my hair matt, etc. One day, I can make everything so bad for myself that I'd have absolutely no choice but to do it. My mom made me promise not to until she dies, which won't take long.

Like I've read here over and over, loved ones pretend to be surprised after it happens because we're the ones who cried wolf a little too many times.

 

[NameOfAction]

I don't know if this is helpful, but that's how I've lost the only person that loved me, that I loved back. They got so burned out and fed up with my bullshit, they said "just do it already!" and I blocked them.

It's been almost a decade and I'm still alive, so are they.
In hindsight, it was probably for the best.

Nobody deserves to be someone's sole anchor to this world. It's an exhausting, demanding full-time job to be a best friend to an avoidant suicidal person.

Imagine going to bed every day not knowing if your person will be alive when you wake. Constantly wondering if it's your fault. If it will be your fault when they die. If there's something they should be doing or saying that can prevent it.

You are suffering. So are they, potentially worse than you do. You desperately want them to care and demand more and more from them, constantly between attempts and breakdowns. Your friend is not a renewable resource. There's only so much love they can give, so much empathy they can show before they have to protect themselves.

What you're doing to them isn't fair. Does mean you have to cut them out, you can still apologize and keep them as a more casual friend. Be careful, he isn't unbreakable

 

[liza]

hey do you wanna be friends? I don't have friends myself my only friends are my family members but I would like to be your friend.

 

[Ahlam]

I don't know if this is helpful, but that's how I've lost the only person that loved me, that I loved back. They got so burned out and fed up with my bullshit, they said "just do it already!" and I blocked them.

It's been almost a decade and I'm still alive, so are they.
In hindsight, it was probably for the best.

Nobody deserves to be someone's sole anchor to this world. It's an exhausting, demanding full-time job to be a best friend to an avoidant suicidal person.

Imagine going to bed every day not knowing if your person will be alive when you wake. Constantly wondering if it's your fault. If it will be your fault when they die. If there's something they should be doing or saying that can prevent it.

You are suffering. So are they, potentially worse than you do. You desperately want them to care and demand more and more from them, constantly between attempts and breakdowns. Your friend is not a renewable resource. There's only so much love they can give, so much empathy they can show before they have to protect themselves.

What you're doing to them isn't fair. Does mean you have to cut them out, you can still apologize and keep them as a more casual friend. Be careful, he isn't unbreakable

I'm sorry to hear that story, hearing that phrase from a loved one is always so tragic. He has never said that to me but every single close family member that I still live with has at some point.

I've tried to do that, back off just enough. However, even that always ended up back firing in different ways. Sometimes my restraint led to me resenting him without him realizing and I would blow up eventually, sometimes he would insist on asking if I'm okay. It's a relationship that spanned over a decade through so many ups and so so many downs. We can practically read each other's minds at that point. I'm so crazy that I even EXPECT him to read my mind and get mad when he fails to.

It's just co-dependent and toxic at this point and I feel like we've done everything to navigate it in different ways. And after him becoming single, it became an even weirder year.

hey do you wanna be friends? I don't have friends myself my only friends are my family members but I would like to be your friend.

Sure! I'm bored and way too stubborn to reach out to anyone else. And I can't lie, I was fishing for a response like this when I made this thread, I just didn't want to sound desperate. I'm insane, I think, but happy to give it a shot if you'd like to as well!