Illegal Preclear
The CEO of CTB
- Sep 6, 2022
- 233
It's not fair. I tried my best to give life one more shot. I'm working with a Psychiatrist who's helping me taper off Depakote and Risperidone but it isn't working. The crap is building up in my liver too fast and I'm in agonizing physical pain all the time now. My hair is falling out because of it. I can't think because of it. Every day the mental suffering gets work. I have a therapist who listens kindly but it isn't helping. I have a great social worker but it isn't enough. It's too late for me. Psychiatry has destroyed me. I can't taper off these drugs any faster than I already have been. The only break I get is sleep and now I can't even do that because the TMJ and Akasthisia attacks from the meds are so bad.
Everyone told me therapy would work if I "put the work in". I did this time. I'm still disabled. I'm doing my best in life right now but when a disabled person puts 100% effort in they'll still get 50% of the results of an able person. I can't accept that. I can't accept that doing my best is enough. It's not like I get anything out of doing my best. I have ME/CFS so putting in the extra effort just makes me feel worn and sick and anhedonia leaves my brain with no reward system. There is scientifically no point to anything I do. Every day I feel sicker and sicker and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we lived in an enlightened society which would allow disabled people to be Euthanized, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I have the rope in my closet ready to go. The noose is tied. But I'm so fucking scared for some reason. Why am I scared? I want to die more than anything at this point. I hate being stuck in this purgatory of being too afraid to hang. I apologize if this is the 5th or 6th nearly identical post I've made like this but I have too many memory issues due to brain damage to keep track. The only things holding me back are my own fear of botching the hanging (I have to do it in a place that's less than ideal now, see my previous posts) and the fact this is really going to hurt my parents (but they're obviously going to die before me then I'll have no one to help me live and I'll HAVE TO DIE).
Somebody tell me something that will give me the courage to either hang or find a CTB method that doesn't scare me so much.
Everyone told me therapy would work if I "put the work in". I did this time. I'm still disabled. I'm doing my best in life right now but when a disabled person puts 100% effort in they'll still get 50% of the results of an able person. I can't accept that. I can't accept that doing my best is enough. It's not like I get anything out of doing my best. I have ME/CFS so putting in the extra effort just makes me feel worn and sick and anhedonia leaves my brain with no reward system. There is scientifically no point to anything I do. Every day I feel sicker and sicker and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish we lived in an enlightened society which would allow disabled people to be Euthanized, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I have the rope in my closet ready to go. The noose is tied. But I'm so fucking scared for some reason. Why am I scared? I want to die more than anything at this point. I hate being stuck in this purgatory of being too afraid to hang. I apologize if this is the 5th or 6th nearly identical post I've made like this but I have too many memory issues due to brain damage to keep track. The only things holding me back are my own fear of botching the hanging (I have to do it in a place that's less than ideal now, see my previous posts) and the fact this is really going to hurt my parents (but they're obviously going to die before me then I'll have no one to help me live and I'll HAVE TO DIE).
Somebody tell me something that will give me the courage to either hang or find a CTB method that doesn't scare me so much.
