I think my mum is suicidal- just a vent tbh

[dogdrool]

My mum became disabled earlier this year (MS) and I was a bit concerned when she told me that if she ever needed to use crutches then she would probably just kill herself. Needing to use a mobility aid is something that is far from out of the question considering the fact MS comes with complications with coordination.
I kind of pushed it to the side as some kind of off joke but started to get concerned again when she told my sister (15) that she 'thinks about killing herself sometimes'.
She also used to be sober and she isn't any more which I guess is kind of understandable but it still makes me upset, honestly.
My sister tried to kill herself last year and so have I, now my mum is saying shit like this. It feels like I can't escape suicide, in a way.

That's all ontop of just the general stressors of… being alive. My mum has obviously been quite depressed because she can't leave the house on her own, I've had to watch and hear her cry more times than she knows. I'm trying to balance uni with being suicidal, struggling with self-harm, friends killing themselves and losing 4 household pets, 3 of which were a part of my life for the best part of a decade, all without any real support system.

I guess none of this sounds that bad, but it's hard. Last time I really tried to kill myself, I just had to bring myself home and I laid in bed just thinking about how nobody has any idea what's going on with me and it made me sad. I could've died that night and everybody would've been surprised, I think. I've tried to be open but nobody seems to know what to say and when my sister tried she was called dramatic by my parents, so I wouldn't consider telling my mum (especially considering what she's going through).

I've also been getting thoughts about wishing she would kill herself so that it would push me over the edge and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about leaving anybody behind, honestly.

Sorry, that got a bit waffly towards the end. I'm just lost.

 

[I Me & Myself]

I guess none of this sounds that bad, but it's hard

All of that sounds very hard, actually.

My mother also has MS, though it progresses a lot less rapidly than it seems to do with your mother's case. But I can relate to watching someone fall in depression as they lose the ability to even go outside and ... in a sense wither away.

I don't know if you need to hear this, but:
Your suffering is real. You're allowed to be miserable with all this pushing down on you. But you're also allowed to feel good, even if it's just for a moment.

I wish you a lot of strength, and it's up to you whether you stay or leave this world. But you'll need strength to go there.