i think i'd actually want to live

[Exiled]

i truly believe i am suicidal purely because of circumstance and sadness, rather than a lack of desire to live.
i want to write and publish a book, i want to own a home, i want to fall in love, i want to love what i do for a living.
i think it's hard when you actually have goals
but know that the way you're wired, they are near impossible.
that's what makes me suicidal.
its so painful simply dreaming about the life i want knowing that my mental health is so messed up that i can't even get myself together enough.
ive been trying for so long and im sick of people telling me to just try harder. or to keep going.

maybe life isn't for everyone.
but damn, sometimes i wish it were for me.

 

[yowai]

If you can manage to just survive day to day life you can try to achieve some of those goals but keep the possibility of getting out on the side, that's what I've been trying to do for a long time. Telling myself I can always ctb if I really need to makes it a little more bearable

 

[ma0]

I hope that, should you choose to live, you're able to gain the courage to achieve what you want, and find happiness in whatever way it means to you.

Good luck.

 

[me_when_:D]

yeah, I had the same more than two weeks ago.
But exactly two weeks ago I stopped caring, probably depression returned after I got suicidal again.
And then a week ago I promised a friend not to ctb.
So now I am suicidal, depressed and can't ctb

 

[The_Hunter]

i truly believe i am suicidal purely because of circumstance and sadness, rather than a lack of desire to live.
i want to write and publish a book, i want to own a home, i want to fall in love, i want to love what i do for a living.
i think it's hard when you actually have goals
but know that the way you're wired, they are near impossible.
that's what makes me suicidal.
its so painful simply dreaming about the life i want knowing that my mental health is so messed up that i can't even get myself together enough.
ive been trying for so long and im sick of people telling me to just try harder. or to keep going.

maybe life isn't for everyone.
but damn, sometimes i wish it were for me.

I wish that you're able to achieve all your dreams in life, and that you're able to heal your mental health enough to attain those goals.

When people tell you to try harder, they don't know how hard you're trying. But you understand how valuable your effort is, even if they don't. Ignore them. You're not lazy, you are struggling hard. You're trying, and that matters.

I'm not here to remind you to keep yourself together. It's ok to fall apart.
And even after we fall apart, and shatter, somehow, it turns out we're still able to come together again.

I can tell that your dreams matter to you. I think they matter to me, too; I would hate to see someone's dreams go unfulfilled. I think recovery can help you achieve those dreams, get you closer to writing that book, closer to that lovely home you deserve your yourself; and to fall in love, both with people and with what do you for a living. I'm sure you might have perused it before, but here's a link to it for your ease in any case: Recovery Resources

I wish you the best in life. Your dreams matter. I assure you, your desire to keep living, is valid.

I am with you on it, too. I myself, intend to continue living as well. I don't wish to leave my ambitions for the sake of death. I hope you too, are able to one day, become glad enough with wonderful things in your life, that you think to yourself "I'm glad I continued living, and experienced today.".

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage."
—Seneca