Venting I think I might want to go soon and I'm terrified

[ceriseange♡]

For years I've always told myself I'd never do it until my parents pass because I'd never want to put them through that, but now I'm getting to the point where I'm barely thinking about it. I'm scared. There's so much I still want to do, so many little things that I just want to sit with - but I don't know how much longer I can do it. Everyone keeps telling me I'm 22 and I have my whole life ahead of me and have so much time but it feels like I can't go on anymore. I can't function like everyone else no matter how hard I try and every day is more and more exhaustion. Anxiety is eating me alive. I don't feel safe leaving my apartment. I don't feel safe in my own head. I want to go home but I don't even know where that is anymore.

I think it's just never dawned on me how scary it is to be so close to just...leaving? I want to give it one last chance, but I say that every time. Every time it gets better it gets worse again. It never stays stable. I'm tired of chasing. I'm tired of running. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'd even do it. I don't want to die alone in this apartment but I can't go where I'd like to.

If I go who's going to take care of my stuffed animals. I don't want to leave them alone, not like that. It sounds so childish but I'm so scared and I just...I don't know what to do. I feel so alone in my own head and nothing is helping. Not the meds, not the therapy, not the exercise - even if it does for a little bit it never lasts. I wish I was just born normal. I wish the chemicals in my brain would just work like they're supposed to. Maybe I meant to just go. I don't know.

I grew up catholic and a lot of that trauma and fear and love has been creeping back into my life. My head is spinning. I hope God isn't angry at me for giving up. I really did try. I just want people to know that I really did try. I tried so so hard and I still feel like this and I'm sorry.

I really wanted to be an astronaut. I think thats what makes me the saddest. I had so many big dreams. So wishes that just died. I stopped volunteering at the aquarium because y mental health got so bad and now I missed the chance to go back. Those seals were the only thing saving me and they didn't even know. They're perfect.

I don't know anymore. I'm sorry this is very incoherent, I'm just very not okay right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really sorry. I really don't do any of this on purpose. I promise I really tried. I'm still trying even if I'm not doing very well. I just want to be okay but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

I think I'm scared of going alone.

 

[thedevilwithin]

just try to breathe. i'm sorry for your pain, i can feel your sadness and urgency for just wanting things to be okay. i understand you. please don't apologize and please do not do anything you aren't 100% sure on. my love for animals is also what has kept me going so much longer then i thought. they are seriously perfect. remember to just breathe, slow things down and be still for a second. hugs friend

 

[Trav1989]

Understandable, I wanted to go with my wife by my side at an old age but that will never happen so I'll be going by myself in my mid-30's instead. Everyone has a different path though and I wish you luck on whatever path you wish to take.

 

[ham and potatoes]

Anxiety is eating me alive

if at all possible, try to see a psychiatrist about your anxiety if you havent already.
Ive suffered from anxiety for years and years, and medication really helped me for about a decade. here lately, its kinda quit working. Been trying to find replacement meds

 

[ceriseange♡]

if at all possible, try to see a psychiatrist about your anxiety if you havent already.
Ive suffered from anxiety for years and years, and medication really helped me for about a decade. here lately, its kinda quit working. Been trying to find replacement meds

I have a psychiatrist I've been seeing and I'm seeing him again on Monday - I'm starting to have the same problem, where the medication really was helping in the beginning it feels like it's stopped working :( It's a confusing mix of sometimes I feel really really good and sometimes I feel awful regardless of the meds or not, but he says there isn't much to look into until the depression part has settled. I'm really sorry yours have quit working as well, I genuinely wish you the best in finding some that help uplift you <3

Understandable, I wanted to go with my wife by my side at an old age but that will never happen so I'll be going by myself in my mid-30's instead. Everyone has a different path though and I wish you luck on whatever path you wish to take.

And I wish the same to you. I'm genuinely sorry you're struggling and I wish you all the best no matter where your path takes you, you are deserving of peace and comfort in whatever form it comes in <3

just try to breathe. i'm sorry for your pain, i can feel your sadness and urgency for just wanting things to be okay. i understand you. please don't apologize and please do not do anything you aren't 100% sure on. my love for animals is also what has kept me going so much longer then i thought. they are seriously perfect. remember to just breathe, slow things down and be still for a second. hugs friend

So sorry for the late reply, I took a small break after this breakdown to try and give myself some space to breathe. I seriously appreciate your kind words and they really did help me re-orient myself in the moment. Life is fast and scary but I will do my best to tough it out at my own pace - sending you so much love, dear friend <33

 

[Preh1storic_Rib]

I wanted to see the stars too

 

[ceriseange♡]

I wanted to see the stars too

I hope it brings a little piece that we can look up at them <3 I like to think we can reach them too. Some of our atoms have to get back out there at the end, I would think