I think I am ready to do it sooner than I thought.

[cracklingroses]

I am so scared to fail but at this point I just can't go on living like this any longer. We will put down a dog when it loses its quality of life but we keep humans alive despite them never getting better and always suffering just so the people around them can feel better about themselves. All the people who will cry at your funeral, if they even have one for you, were the ones who made you feel most alone. Then they suddenly care, what, because you're six feet in the ground? Why didn't you care all those years I was dying right in front of you? Don't act like you care now. But what do I care what people do when I'm dead? I'll just be glad to be gone. I don't care what people will say or think of me because no one even ever took the time to really get to know me. So it doesn't mean anything. Just the stories they want to tell themselves. At least I will be dead. I am trying to hold out until my therapy session tomorrow then I am going to Catch the Midnight Train.

 

[unluckysadness]

It's exactly what I feel ! I could have written exactly the same post...
No one cares about you while you're alive, but you instantly gain value the day you leave this world. And everyone will put on their best suit to see your coffin. What hypocrisy. I don't want to play this game anymore. No matter what they'll say

 

[2muchpain2]

I feel exactly the same. I'm only alive because i don't want to traumatize others

 

[MyShadow]

I am so scared to fail but at this point I just can't go on living like this any longer. We will put down a dog when it loses its quality of life but we keep humans alive despite them never getting better and always suffering just so the people around them can feel better about themselves. All the people who will cry at your funeral, if they even have one for you, were the ones who made you feel most alone. Then they suddenly care, what, because you're six feet in the ground? Why didn't you care all those years I was dying right in front of you? Don't act like you care now. But what do I care what people do when I'm dead? I'll just be glad to be gone. I don't care what people will say or think of me because no one even ever took the time to really get to know me. So it doesn't mean anything. Just the stories they want to tell themselves. At least I will be dead. I am trying to hold out until my therapy session tomorrow then I am going to Catch the Midnight Train.

I completely agree. My so-called family was never there for me in life but will certainly be there after I am dead. But it's all for show. They are at the heart of why I am suffering. Regardless, I have tried to "mend the fences" between us because all of the resentments are just so petty, but the harder I tried to find resolution the harder they pushed back away from it.

So now, while I am planning my exit, the only thing I will leave for them is instructions for how to deal with my body and to not have a family funeral. They had many opportunities to be there for me while I was alive, why would I want them gathering around when I'm dead?

Also, I have been avoiding my therapist because I spend the whole time lying to him. I don't want him to know that I have been actively researching methods (both online and reading books). My question is, why go to therapy if you are planning to end your life afterward? Does therapy offer you any relief from your suffering? Do you plan to share your plan with your therapist. I am afraid that my therapist will interfere with my plan by alerting law enforcement, and I will end up in a hospital with no resources.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand just wishing to be free from it all, I hope you find the peace from suffering you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[cracklingroses]

I completely agree. My so-called family was never there for me in life but will certainly be there after I am dead. But it's all for show. They are at the heart of why I am suffering. Regardless, I have tried to "mend the fences" between us because all of the resentments are just so petty, but the harder I tried to find resolution the harder they pushed back away from it.

So now, while I am planning my exit, the only thing I will leave for them is instructions for how to deal with my body and to not have a family funeral. They had many opportunities to be there for me while I was alive, why would I want them gathering around when I'm dead?

Also, I have been avoiding my therapist because I spend the whole time lying to him. I don't want him to know that I have been actively researching methods (both online and reading books). My question is, why go to therapy if you are planning to end your life afterward? Does therapy offer you any relief from your suffering? Do you plan to share your plan with your therapist. I am afraid that my therapist will interfere with my plan by alerting law enforcement, and I will end up in a hospital with no resources.

I am sorry you had that experience with your family as well. It is so agonizing and lonely to be rejected by the ones who are supposed to be closest to you. My heart goes out to you because it is truly a living hell. I appreciate what you said about therapy because you are so right. I wish I just cancelled honestly. I guess this last session will just bring closure. I had a good rapport with this therapist, or so I thought. I definitely don't want the law enforcement to interfere again. Being hospitalized has destroyed my life countless times. The medications they force have destroyed me. The ECT they did on me at 16 destroyed me. They don't care. I wish there was genuine mental health support and community in our society but it all comes down to profit. Profit off of people being sick. So they perpetuate it instead of help it. It is a cruel world. I am really sorry you have experienced this as well. Thank you again. I hope you can find solace and genuine support.