I ruined my mother's birthday.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

This has apparently been going on for years, and I was the only one who didn't notice.

I have this awful habit of being a complete jerk during special moments, sometimes over very small things without even realizing it. Today, I ended up saying something way too loud at a table full of people. My mother looked at me with a "speak quieter" face, and I think I got annoyed with myself and took it out on her.

Overall, it was a mess. I tried to keep my distance so I wouldn't be rude by accident, and that ended up being rude.

She got fed up with all of this and doesn't want to celebrate her own birthdays anymore. I feel like not celebrating any more for myself either, but I don't want to make it about me. We ended up talking about everything that happened (me, her, my stepfather, and a friend of mine) And I admitted that I messed up a lot.

I don't think it's enough to fix everything. And I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself over something like this. For feeling so intensely and making it all about me.

This is exhausting and makes me want to give up on treatment, which is ironic after I've come so far.

I feel like I shouldn't give up now. Even if not for me, for them.

 

[Arvayn]

It's not so black and white as "fixed" and "not fixed", in my opinion. The fact that you're self-aware of your habits and also have the ability to feel upset over it is actually a good sign; it means you are thinking about the other person instead of yourself. You clearly care. Even your mistake was made with good intentions; that matters for something.
You talked about it, and you admitted your thoughts to her. Now, it's out of your control whether you're forgiven or not (which you probably will be, considering she's your mother, but I do not know), but you've fulfilled your end of the social contract and shown your good will.
I sympathize with you, and you have my support for trying to change. It's not something to be upset about that you're making sure this doesn't happen again. If you want to keep going, keep going!

 

[-Link-]

I don't think it's enough to fix everything.

Acknowledging what happened and talking through it as you did was a crucial first step.

Your actions going forward will be the primary determinant of how and when everyone heals from this.

She got fed up with all of this and doesn't want to celebrate her own birthdays anymore. I feel like not celebrating any more for myself either

If this was a recent event, I'm guessing the likelihood is that your mother will change her mind before her next birthday, even if she doesn't believe this herself right now.

For your own birthday, I believe it would be a showing of goodwill to let its celebration proceed as it normally would. To deviate from this reads more to me as a step backwards from what you're looking to achieve.

In moving forward with your family, you've done all you can do. For now. If you follow up your talk with concentrated effort towards change, then this will reflect in your outward behaviour and your family will very likely perceive this. It may take time, but if you keep at it, I'd expect relational healing to naturally follow.

In the meantime, you're navigating significant guilt for which there is no quick fix -- I know this is very hard. A lot of us have been there. In getting through this, try to focus on facts and evidence while shifting away from predictions and assumptions which your brain may be telling you as part of its reaction to overwhelm. Remind yourself that the healing process takes time. Be kind to yourself. Know that anyone else in your position would also be struggling. And remember you're doing your best.

 

[calebzz1]

I'm sorry to hear of this incident, I also have a bad habit of talking over people and being a bit selfish due to the nature of my symptoms and current circumstance.

I have a short fuse because my days consist of being barely able to see without my drop and I can't relax like normal people enough to have full-blown conversations as I constantly feel like being a notch below survival mode.

This post hit different because it reminded myself of a time when I was at my stepmom's son's birthday party a while back.

I wasn't able to sit with my little sister and the other kids for no reason.

I decided to get angry suddenly and lash out at my dad which was bad in hindsightr, I'm never like that but the situation was annoying considering I wanted to spend time with her.

I still don't understand why I couldn't to this day, my sister didn't even know his friends that well at all and I didn't want her to be alone.

As long as you apologized, then everything should be okay in the end.