Venting I resent people who have friends

[dragonofenvy]

This isn't to say I don't have friends. I do, but they don't feel like friends. They only time they talk to me is when they're bored and want to play a video game, and even then it's only when I initiate it first. That's it. They don't talk to me because they like having conversations with me. They never reach out to me to do anything. Everything feels one-sided. I have a friend group that makes me feel like I'm alone. I don't know if I wish they'd just cut me off or not either, because then at least I wouldn't feel the envy and resentment I have towards them.

I think about it a lot. I only ever exchange a couple words here and there per week. I get excited when I see one of the few notifications on my phone per week, only to realize it's just bills being paid, or a modding discord server I'm in making an update announcement. When I was in school I used to count how many words I exchanged with others per day. Unfortunately, I had to start counting per week. 9 per week if you were wondering.

So when I hear them talking about hanging out with friends, going on trips to Disney World with 20 people, going to amusement parks, going on dates, going to parties, or even just sitting in a call together and talking, I can't help but feel resentment towards them, and hatred to myself for being unable to be like them. They talk about it so casually, the thing that I dream about, having real friends, feeling like someone genuinely cares about me, and being liked enough that someone wants to be around me. For them it's so normal as to be mundane. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night mired in depressive thoughts about how alone I was in my childhood, and now my adulthood, while having to listen to people I know talk about how overwhelming it is to try to keep up with how many things they do with people they love.

Most frustrating to me, is how I'm bullied constantly for not having friends. For being the loner loser who can't get their life together. Funny how the people who claim that we have a mental health crisis in the west, and that people need to be more empathetic and caring for one another, seem to have no qualms doing the opposite with me. Why? Because they can get away with it. I can't push back because they can simply cut me off and move onto other friend groups. Whenever there's a conflict I do my best to try to resolve it, capitulating even if I think I don't think it's right for me to do so. I've done this so many times, tried to be nice, and admitted wrongdoing when I fucked up. Yet I'm still punished for it. For some reason nothing I do is reciprocated, and I have to sit there and have them remind me how I'll never be like them. I'll always be the friendless loser.

I know that it is at least partially my fault. When it comes to relationships, I am the common denominator, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Now, even if I'm presented with the opportunity I don't think I'll take it. I'm so used to things going badly, to fucking something up, that it's easier to protect myself rather than feel the pain I'm so used to feeling. Yet still I sit at night feeling a longing for connection, and resentment for those who have it.

I want to do something about it. I want to fix it. I know I'll never get my childhood back, but I don't want to spend my entire adulthood alone as well. I'm just so tired of this. Every single day it's the same, but I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life alone that I'm convinced that this is how it's meant to me. I'm nothing more than a punching bag for people who are successful. I've exhausted every option I could think of and what people have told me. There's only one option left, and I'm too much of a pussy to take it.

 

[ipmanwc0]

This has been exactly my experience too

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I can relate, as I'm sure you know. I feel resentful of people who are adjusted better socially. Or maybe put, I feel resentment because of that, not that it is necessarily targeted at them. Wanting to have something someone else has for yourself doesn't necessarily mean you don't want other people to enjoy that too.

I understand how seeing it all around you, so close yet so eternally out of reach, is maddening.

Friend is a very vague word in English and covers a variety of relationships under its umbrella. You want intimacy and belonging, you deserve intimacy and belonging, but those relationships don't provide that. It's understandable to prefer to unsatisfying relationships to solitude.

I don't think you should give up. There are people with varying degrees of conventionality, sometimes pretty normal, out there who are willing to be friends with more unconventional people, generally as long as we are engaged with life to some degree and are somewhat positive. If you don't have truly detrimental interpersonal flaws then a trite as it sounds just being your authentic core self is the way to go and let the chips fall where they go. For example come to stop caring so much if I'm perceived as weird because I know my heart is in the right place. It doesn't sound like you were responsible for all the social problems. Sometimes you can do everything right and it just isn't enough for reasons external to you you may never get clarity on.

 

[dragonofenvy]

If you don't have truly detrimental interpersonal flaws then a trite as it sounds just being your authentic core self is the way to go and let the chips fall where they go.

That hasn't worked for me. The only time in my life when I had a brief friendship was when I put on a mask. When I look at myself from an outside perspective, and ask the question "Would I be friends with me?" The answer is always no. I've met some people who were similar to me, and I disliked them. There's a saying where if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the one who's the asshole. Even knowing this, I still don't know what to do to become likeable. I don't know what's my fault and what isn't. All I know is that while nearly everyone has told me that it is 100% my fault, I know it's not true. I don't know if it's 80/20, or 20/80. Even if I did, I still wouldn't know how to move forward.

Social skills are not innate. They are taught during your childhood. By your parents, your teachers and your peers. I can't even get past "Hi, how's it going?" when I talk to someone. This is probably because I spent nearly all of my life with nobody but myself. The way I learned what I have now is from spending all of my time in school watching others, seeing how they interact, and trying to copy them. After all, if they're successful, wouldn't following them be logical?

 

[MyLifeisHell]

That hasn't worked for me.

It sounds like at least some of what you're alluding to are examples of the aforementioned "detrimental interpersonal flaws" that require improvement.

The answer is always no.

What specifically leads you to that answer?

I've met some people who were similar to me, and I disliked them.

What traits of yours did you see reflected in other people that made you dislike them?

It's okay, they're prying questions that you don't have to answer.

My main point was that, and I trust that you know I'm not bullshitting you, was among the socially adjusted, NT majority there are those who are willing to be accepting and accommodating towards autistic social differences, our awkwardness and weirdness and gaffes.

But I understand, my social problems and their many ramifications are at the root of why I want out of here too.

 

[diospyros.kaki]

Social skills are not innate. They are taught during your childhood. By your parents, your teachers and your peers. I can't even get past "Hi, how's it going?" when I talk to someone. This is probably because I spent nearly all of my life with nobody but myself. The way I learned what I have now is from spending all of my time in school watching others, seeing how they interact, and trying to copy them. After all, if they're successful, wouldn't following them be logical?

exactly what you said here. they're not innate, they're skills you have to practice to get better at. you could look up social skills categories and see what are the ones you struggle w the most and then try ways to practice them. it can be painful? for sure. heaven knows how much i still struggle w them and how many relationships i destroyed by the lack of these skills. but you can start small by observing how others act after the "how it's going" and trying yourself. small talk can be your friend while you practice this. putting yourself in social situations (eg work, school, courses, art fairs etc) can help too.

all that said i just want to reiterate that i understand it's hard and painful being rejected and not reaching the level of social skills you or other people expect from you instantly. but the only way to get better at them is to practice it.