Help I recovered, but what's next for me?

[Dusk till dawn]

Last 6 months i've been working hard to make my life turn around and fix certain mistakes i've made in the past, ever since i moved on to a different algeria (i used to live in france for context) i was never able to be happy again because i wasn't around with some childhood friends, to me not being able to prevent my parents from moving on to a new country was my biggest failure in life, this was haunting me for the rest of my life, algeria was the worst hellhole to ever occur to me, everyone wants me for money and they're all manipulative, nobody ever talked to me without having ulterior motives/wanting something from me, besides my family which always misunderstands me (at least they want the best for me but i don't like the way they go about it), i couldn't let go of my past identity and just accept im forever in this hellhole, being seperated from my childhood friends and everyone i knew (besides my family) was the worst thing to ever happen to me, this completely destroyed my mentality and desire to live, so i just set a deadline for myself last 10 months, i worked hard to be financially independent and travel to my home country and reunite with my friends, i did succeed and im happy, even if had to go back to a new country, at least i said i love you instead of saying goodbye to people i cared about and didn't disappear for years, now that i fixed my biggest failure i won't be haunted by my past again, am finally feeling like im home again with people whom i recognise and appreciate, what's next for me? I can't find a clear path in life, im financially independent and again in my home country, but i don't know what's next, i still don't want to live for longer than my twenties, i prefer dying young, not necessarily by suicide but i just prefer dying young regardless, wanting to die young has nothing to do with my trauma and depression since i'm no longer depressed, i just want to die young than die old preferably by engaging in risky activities and sports such as climbing mountains, i experienced the worst and best life has to offer, if there was ever a time where i could be influenced by religion and start believing in god, it's now, i'm just overwhelmed with joy that im finally home, it is a dream coming true for me, i never thinked about what if really back home because i never imagined this could ever happen due to how unlucky and cruel life has been to me for years, but at last, it happened, i still think a lot about what if my parents never fully moved on to a new place, many other scenarios and how they would've affected me, i often find myself thinking about life and what's it's meaning and my purpose, i'm just lost, i don't want to live beyond my twenties, i rather die at my twenties than become old, the thought of aging up scares me

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Absurdly relatable. Constantly thinking about the so whats after I "recovered" is what scares me the most. Indeed, I don't want to, or rather, I don't feel the need to live a long life.

What I'm doing right now is cliché, but I'm taking more risks and experiencing new things. I started to learn a new martial art and soon enough will start an art school, and see how it will affect me
Wish the best for ya

 

[JoeFailure]

Last 6 months i've been working hard to make my life turn around and fix certain mistakes i've made in the past, ever since i moved on to a different algeria (i used to live in france for context) i was never able to be happy again because i wasn't around with some childhood friends, to me not being able to prevent my parents from moving on to a new country was my biggest failure in life, this was haunting me for the rest of my life, algeria was the worst hellhole to ever occur to me, everyone wants me for money and they're all manipulative, nobody ever talked to me without having ulterior motives/wanting something from me, besides my family which always misunderstands me (at least they want the best for me but i don't like the way they go about it), i couldn't let go of my past identity and just accept im forever in this hellhole, being seperated from my childhood friends and everyone i knew (besides my family) was the worst thing to ever happen to me, this completely destroyed my mentality and desire to live, so i just set a deadline for myself last 10 months, i worked hard to be financially independent and travel to my home country and reunite with my friends, i did succeed and im happy, even if had to go back to a new country, at least i said i love you instead of saying goodbye to people i cared about and didn't disappear for years, now that i fixed my biggest failure i won't be haunted by my past again, am finally feeling like im home again with people whom i recognise and appreciate, what's next for me? I can't find a clear path in life, im financially independent and again in my home country, but i don't know what's next, i still don't want to live for longer than my twenties, i prefer dying young, not necessarily by suicide but i just prefer dying young regardless, wanting to die young has nothing to do with my trauma and depression since i'm no longer depressed, i just want to die young than die old preferably by engaging in risky activities and sports such as climbing mountains, i experienced the worst and best life has to offer, if there was ever a time where i could be influenced by religion and start believing in god, it's now, i'm just overwhelmed with joy that im finally home, it is a dream coming true for me, i never thinked about what if really back home because i never imagined this could ever happen due to how unlucky and cruel life has been to me for years, but at last, it happened, i still think a lot about what if my parents never fully moved on to a new place, many other scenarios and how they would've affected me, i often find myself thinking about life and what's it's meaning and my purpose, i'm just lost, i don't want to live beyond my twenties, i rather die at my twenties than become old, the thought of aging up scares me

I was terrified of my 30's when I was in my 20's but it really hasn't been much different. I think it probably becomes more noticeably different in the 40's and probably a lot in the 50's.