Venting I quit. Thanks for understanding.

[InvasionOfPublicity]

Well, I feel like my time has finally come. I am making my preparations to CTB soon. I've been really struggling for the longest time and I'm making peace with the knowing that it's finally over. I am holding a sense of calm and gratitude that all the suffering I've endured up until this point will finally come to an end.

It's a relieving feeling, coming to terms with my decision, after everything that I haven't chosen that has caused me great frustration and unhappiness.

I don't really know the steps for preparing what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it soon. I could use a little guidance or a nudge in the right direction.

Some few things for the coming days:
- Getting rid of my personal belongings. Anything that would make me re-think my decision or pull me back.
- Preparing my CTB method. (I am looking into SN, Cyanide, Shotgun, or exit bag. I am not sure which is best at the moment.)
- Writing any last messages/final thoughts. It will be extremely difficult for my family, so I want to minimize any additional confusion from not knowing what happened or why.
- Enjoying my last few weeks as much as possible.

I'm beyond actively suffering and being disappointed with life. It's just a numbness now. I don't see anything good on the horizon, whether for myself, my family, or the human race as a whole. If the last 25 years of my life were a hint at what the next 25 are going to be, I want to do everything I can to avoid it. I see CTB as a way of being proactive, taking some appropriate measures against the downward trend that is existing.

That's enough yapping from me. I would love to just spend the next few weeks maybe getting to know folks here, sharing stories, or talking through our own experiences.

I'm so thankful to anyone reading this. In a different lifetime, we could have been close friends.

 

[Deepdense]

What do you do if it fails?

 

[eggsausagerice]

What do you do if it fails?

important question everyone on sasu needs to come to grips with. even if their attempt seems foolproof, you can still survive and have pretty much nothing left. that's why i haven't sold/given away stuff that's important to me, like my digicams. i don't know what i would do with myself if i got rid of them. there's always a chance that you survive unless you have a gun.

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

well, i haven't really thought of that, but i guess if I failed/survived, I would just try again. I am a pretty calculated person so I know while there is a chance of survival, I would do everything to minimize it. Worst comes to worst, there's always jumping from a high place.

 

[Qilio3]

Hello, close friend from different lifetime. I'm also enjoying life at the end as best I can. I still haven't gotten around to checking my SN for cleanliness. But the time will come.

 

[usoiko]

im glad youre living life as much as you can before the end, i hope you find peace and comfort soon enough,, even though i dont know you, you seem like such a good guy considering you're making sure not to hurt your family in any way, in my personal opinion thats admirable

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I just want to be free from the suffering of existing as well, all I want is to never suffer in this existence ever again, I hope you find the freedom you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[dalemar]

well, i haven't really thought of that, but i guess if I failed/survived, I would just try again. I am a pretty calculated person so I know while there is a chance of survival, I would do everything to minimize it. Worst comes to worst, there's always jumping from a high place.

That's one of the main reasons why many fail here.
They think too much about failure, they try to CTB impulsively and without being sure what they want.
In my opinion, when a person is going to CTB, it has to be 100% sure, you still can fail, but it will probably be due for external causes or bad luck, not backing off or lack of planning.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you find your peace.

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

They think too much about failure, they try to CTB impulsively and without being sure what they want.

yes i get you. im currently still in the planning phase and learning of the proper measures, researching the different and most available methods, and making my final preparations before i set everything into action. hopefully, within 1 month from now, i will be able to commit to my plan and CTB.

thank you for your perspective. i have in the past attempted, but it was just impulsive and out of momentary sadness. i am sure that if i continue with my research and proper planning, i will be able to CTB and move on to the next life, comfortably and calmly with reassurance.

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

1/21/26 Update:
Today I continued to look into different CTB methods. It really does feel surreal that I'm fully committing to this. I read the intro chapter of the PPHE and after finishing that, I got extremely light headed, dizzy and my heart was beating extremely fast. I think it was my nervous system coming to the realization that I'm actually gonna go through with this and my body is reacting to the decision. I couldn't really sleep tonight so I started to reflect on when I truly started feeling suicidal and first started expressing my desire to CTB. After just sitting and thinking through those times in my life where I wish I committed suicide, I realized how much better off I would've been if I did it sooner. I feel really sure of myself this time because it's more than just a momentary deep sadness that I feel, it's more of just a resolved understanding now.

I'm gonna continue on tomorrow with planning and writing out what I need to do moving forward, but I just thought I would write out my thoughts here before I go to bed. I feel a lot better after just getting my thoughts out, and listening to some chill music. I really don't want these last few weeks to be filled with despair, the past 25 years were enough. I'm gonna miss making music, drawing, and the things that used to keep me going. Like reeeeaallllly gonna miss it. It sucks, but I'd rather end my life now, than put myself through a future where I'm just not able to do those things because of external reasons like school, work, family, etc. It would be a losing battle to continue on with trying to make my dreams come true. I've accepted that this is how it has to end. It's a shame but I know it's ultimately for the best...

(From now on, I'm just gonna use this thread as a journal/blog space for my end of life preparation. I don't really want to do it in a notebook or handwritten, unless it's something I intend for someone else irl to read.)

 

[spacealiens]

Well, I feel like my time has finally come. I am making my preparations to CTB soon. I've been really struggling for the longest time and I'm making peace with the knowing that it's finally over. I am holding a sense of calm and gratitude that all the suffering I've endured up until this point will finally come to an end.

It's a relieving feeling, coming to terms with my decision, after everything that I haven't chosen that has caused me great frustration and unhappiness.

I don't really know the steps for preparing what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it soon. I could use a little guidance or a nudge in the right direction.

Some few things for the coming days:
- Getting rid of my personal belongings. Anything that would make me re-think my decision or pull me back.
- Preparing my CTB method. (I am looking into SN, Cyanide, Shotgun, or exit bag. I am not sure which is best at the moment.)
- Writing any last messages/final thoughts. It will be extremely difficult for my family, so I want to minimize any additional confusion from not knowing what happened or why.
- Enjoying my last few weeks as much as possible.

I'm beyond actively suffering and being disappointed with life. It's just a numbness now. I don't see anything good on the horizon, whether for myself, my family, or the human race as a whole. If the last 25 years of my life were a hint at what the next 25 are going to be, I want to do everything I can to avoid it. I see CTB as a way of being proactive, taking some appropriate measures against the downward trend that is existing.

That's enough yapping from me. I would love to just spend the next few weeks maybe getting to know folks here, sharing stories, or talking through our own experiences.

I'm so thankful to anyone reading this. In a different lifetime, we could have been close friends.

I love you and wish you the best

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

1/22/26 Update:
It's been a really hard day for me. I've begun in my official preparations to CTB. I've thrown out my old vision binder, my sketchbooks, and notebooks into the trash. My hopes and dreams, ambitions and aspirations, just gone. In the garbage. I really wish it didn't have to come to this. But at the same time I know theres no other way for someone like me in this world. This was the first real step I've taken in my measures and even though it was difficult, it felt right. I felt much grief afterwards, but it beats the despair and pain of disappointment from false hope. I went on to outline my 4 week plan to CTB successfully on February 23rd, exactly a month from today.