i need to hear somebody else's opinion i don't trust my own thoughts anymore

[blissful]

a lot has happened i think ive only made 1 post here and it was in the recovery section. im back to this section now sadly. a couple days ago i was broken up with and my girlfriend was the only person i talked to at all. she broke up with me for some stuff that i could have improved on and i wish she told me sooner but i accept her decision. i feel really awkward saying anything to her now even though she says she still wants to be friends and really likes me. i have been thinking about this thing below for a bit but i dont trust myself anymore to be rational or realistic and i need somebody to give their thoughts unbiased. i only wrote the thing above because i wanted to give some background so maybe you understand more



i feel like i only really have 2 choices left.

a. its either i work on myself and try to be better for her (the stuff i would be doing is also stuff ive wanted to do but i put it off because im stupid and stopped caring about myself but also a lot of it is stuff that honestly is only important/worth it for me and her) with the chance (i feel like its unlikely but idk i dont trust myself to know) that she takes me back and we get back together because msot of the reasons she broke up wouldnt exist anymore. if it turns out she says no and doesnt want to what if the seller of sn gets busted and i cant get it anymore meaning i basically cant ctb anymore. there is a lot more i have to work on too and i only have about 6 months or so to at least get a reasonable amount better.

b. i buy sn and antiemetic and ctb within the next month.



i really dont know what to pick. i cant do something that isnt peaceful i could never bring myself to do it. but i feel like the chances of everything going right in option a are so unlikely that im risking all of that on top of risking if i fail not being able to buy sn and ctb. it already was awful and slowly killing me having nobody except for 1 person in my life but now that that person doesnt show love or anything to me i feel like its even worse now. i woke up today and got yelled at and everything by my family because i woke up late on accident and normally its annoying but isnt anything unusual but i go and talk to her still just to feel better and be happier but i felt so much worse today because everything happened like it usually does all for me to go back to my room and not have anybody to talk to and just have to sit on my own in my own thoughts. i feel like it probably sounds stupid and i probably would agree with you if you thought that but i feel like i already have been spiraling for years and it feels like its been the beginning of the end for a while. but now it feels a lot more real now that i have only myself. i might delete this later i dont know i feel embrassed even talking about this because everybody my whole life has said how im unreasonable and theres people going through much worse so i shouldnt care so much or be so hurt by everything. ive wanted people to care about me my whole life ive lied about so much my whole life i feel like im beyond a pathalogical liar but i dont do it for some malicious or evil reason i do it just to sound like i fit in and so people give me a chance. i don't lie about any of this though probably because it doesnt do me any good and nobody here knows me. i dont really know why or when i lie i do it so offhandedly but i wish i didnt. i feel like im too far gone with my lies though but ive lost pretty much everybody so i guess there isnt anything to do anymore its not like im getting those people back. i want you to be honest but please preferably be nice about it and try to explain more i understand a lot more when something is said nicely and thoroughly not bluntly, thank you.

i feel like im just rambling on now im sorry if this doesnt make any sense im not really good at explaining things i dont think. if something doesnt make sense i can try to explain it more. if you read this far please respond i really need to hear somebody elses opinion or assessment on this i dont want to be stuck in my own head. thank you.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

a lot has happened i think ive only made 1 post here and it was in the recovery section. im back to this section now sadly. a couple days ago i was broken up with and my girlfriend was the only person i talked to at all. she broke up with me for some stuff that i could have improved on and i wish she told me sooner but i accept her decision. i feel really awkward saying anything to her now even though she says she still wants to be friends and really likes me. i have been thinking about this thing below for a bit but i dont trust myself anymore to be rational or realistic and i need somebody to give their thoughts unbiased. i only wrote the thing above because i wanted to give some background so maybe you understand more



i feel like i only really have 2 choices left.

a. its either i work on myself and try to be better for her (the stuff i would be doing is also stuff ive wanted to do but i put it off because im stupid and stopped caring about myself but also a lot of it is stuff that honestly is only important/worth it for me and her) with the chance (i feel like its unlikely but idk i dont trust myself to know) that she takes me back and we get back together because msot of the reasons she broke up wouldnt exist anymore. if it turns out she says no and doesnt want to what if the seller of sn gets busted and i cant get it anymore meaning i basically cant ctb anymore. there is a lot more i have to work on too and i only have about 6 months or so to at least get a reasonable amount better.

b. i buy sn and antiemetic and ctb within the next month.



i really dont know what to pick. i cant do something that isnt peaceful i could never bring myself to do it. but i feel like the chances of everything going right in option a are so unlikely that im risking all of that on top of risking if i fail not being able to buy sn and ctb. it already was awful and slowly killing me having nobody except for 1 person in my life but now that that person doesnt show love or anything to me i feel like its even worse now. i woke up today and got yelled at and everything by my family because i woke up late on accident and normally its annoying but isnt anything unusual but i go and talk to her still just to feel better and be happier but i felt so much worse today because everything happened like it usually does all for me to go back to my room and not have anybody to talk to and just have to sit on my own in my own thoughts. i feel like it probably sounds stupid and i probably would agree with you if you thought that but i feel like i already have been spiraling for years and it feels like its been the beginning of the end for a while. but now it feels a lot more real now that i have only myself. i might delete this later i dont know i feel embrassed even talking about this because everybody my whole life has said how im unreasonable and theres people going through much worse so i shouldnt care so much or be so hurt by everything. ive wanted people to care about me my whole life ive lied about so much my whole life i feel like im beyond a pathalogical liar but i dont do it for some malicious or evil reason i do it just to sound like i fit in and so people give me a chance. i don't lie about any of this though probably because it doesnt do me any good and nobody here knows me. i dont really know why or when i lie i do it so offhandedly but i wish i didnt. i feel like im too far gone with my lies though but ive lost pretty much everybody so i guess there isnt anything to do anymore its not like im getting those people back. i want you to be honest but please preferably be nice about it and try to explain more i understand a lot more when something is said nicely and thoroughly not bluntly, thank you.

i feel like im just rambling on now im sorry if this doesnt make any sense im not really good at explaining things i dont think. if something doesnt make sense i can try to explain it more. if you read this far please respond i really need to hear somebody elses opinion or assessment on this i dont want to be stuck in my own head. thank you.

Sorry about that. No one else has replied yet, hopefully someone with relationship experience will also answer later. I don't have much energy so sorry if you've already answered these in previous posts, some mostly rhetorical questions:

You say you have no one but you mentioned your family, what's going on there?
Can you talk to your family about this?
Can you see any way of surviving without your partner? Do you have any goals/hobbies/dreams aside from that?
If you want to, sharing details about what made her break up with you may make some people here have advice for that (or look stuff up online).
Not sure how old you are, is this your first relationship/break up? Maybe search for others online and see how they got through it.

My general impression is that this seems rushed and that your mind may be clouded by emotions at the moment. Is there anything you can do to calm down and stay calm for long periods of time? As you probably know, our decision making can get impaired during emotional moments, pain, etc. For me meditation and exercise/healthy habits have helped stay more rational than before.

I'm not happy with the quality of this post and I feel sort of brain-dead at the moment, but just wanted to throw it out until someone else can write something better/you find something else online/etc.

Best regards.

 

[soul2realm]

a lot has happened i think ive only made 1 post here and it was in the recovery section. im back to this section now sadly. a couple days ago i was broken up with and my girlfriend was the only person i talked to at all. she broke up with me for some stuff that i could have improved on and i wish she told me sooner but i accept her decision. i feel really awkward saying anything to her now even though she says she still wants to be friends and really likes me. i have been thinking about this thing below for a bit but i dont trust myself anymore to be rational or realistic and i need somebody to give their thoughts unbiased. i only wrote the thing above because i wanted to give some background so maybe you understand more



i feel like i only really have 2 choices left.

a. its either i work on myself and try to be better for her (the stuff i would be doing is also stuff ive wanted to do but i put it off because im stupid and stopped caring about myself but also a lot of it is stuff that honestly is only important/worth it for me and her) with the chance (i feel like its unlikely but idk i dont trust myself to know) that she takes me back and we get back together because msot of the reasons she broke up wouldnt exist anymore. if it turns out she says no and doesnt want to what if the seller of sn gets busted and i cant get it anymore meaning i basically cant ctb anymore. there is a lot more i have to work on too and i only have about 6 months or so to at least get a reasonable amount better.

b. i buy sn and antiemetic and ctb within the next month.



i really dont know what to pick. i cant do something that isnt peaceful i could never bring myself to do it. but i feel like the chances of everything going right in option a are so unlikely that im risking all of that on top of risking if i fail not being able to buy sn and ctb. it already was awful and slowly killing me having nobody except for 1 person in my life but now that that person doesnt show love or anything to me i feel like its even worse now. i woke up today and got yelled at and everything by my family because i woke up late on accident and normally its annoying but isnt anything unusual but i go and talk to her still just to feel better and be happier but i felt so much worse today because everything happened like it usually does all for me to go back to my room and not have anybody to talk to and just have to sit on my own in my own thoughts. i feel like it probably sounds stupid and i probably would agree with you if you thought that but i feel like i already have been spiraling for years and it feels like its been the beginning of the end for a while. but now it feels a lot more real now that i have only myself. i might delete this later i dont know i feel embrassed even talking about this because everybody my whole life has said how im unreasonable and theres people going through much worse so i shouldnt care so much or be so hurt by everything. ive wanted people to care about me my whole life ive lied about so much my whole life i feel like im beyond a pathalogical liar but i dont do it for some malicious or evil reason i do it just to sound like i fit in and so people give me a chance. i don't lie about any of this though probably because it doesnt do me any good and nobody here knows me. i dont really know why or when i lie i do it so offhandedly but i wish i didnt. i feel like im too far gone with my lies though but ive lost pretty much everybody so i guess there isnt anything to do anymore its not like im getting those people back. i want you to be honest but please preferably be nice about it and try to explain more i understand a lot more when something is said nicely and thoroughly not bluntly, thank you.

i feel like im just rambling on now im sorry if this doesnt make any sense im not really good at explaining things i dont think. if something doesnt make sense i can try to explain it more. if you read this far please respond i really need to hear somebody elses opinion or assessment on this i dont want to be stuck in my own head. thank you.

What you are going through is actually pretty normal as most of us have or will go through it. Unfortunately, its the way of this existence. But that doesn't mean you start taking all the blame!
Life is hard and situations can be quite perplexing. But take a step back and just breathe... a long much needed breath.
Close your eyes for a moment and try to just be still. Now open them.
You are not the problem, but problems have come up in your life. -- Solve it as an algebraic equation or at least give it a shot.
To be loved, cared for is a built-in human trait, everyone craves it so why not you.
But when the time is not our side, it can be helpful to try and stay in control. Even better if we can just give without any expectations for its return. (Heck, even Superman got his heart broken many times)
You are not a liar --- PERIOD.
So you lied a few times, big deal. People in this world commit heinous crimes and roam without a spur of guilt on their faces. The fact that you are evaluating yourself and soul says so much about you.
Do you think, a baby bird starts flying on the very first day, a toddler starts walking or a world class athlete wins trophy in their first attempt?
You have to fall first in order to stand tall later!
And I am sure you will stand up.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'd say firstly- don't feel embarassed about the way you feel or for talking about this. It sounds like you went through a very lonely start, not having people to relate to, to finding someone you could. It's pretty understandable you would be feeling cut adrift and lost at sea now that they've somewhat pulled away.

I went through something slightly similar- although, plutonically rather than romantically and it felt almost heart breaking at the time. Which probably sounds even more dramatic than your situation.

It's also understandable that at the moment, you're viewing your life through their lense almost. That you need to 'improve' or change to impress them and, get them back. Again, I don't think that's unexpected in your situation. This person means so much to you.

I doubt many people at all would encourage you to die at this stage although- we may understand why you want to. It's also not all together healthy to mould yourself into something you hope someone else might love though. Partly because it isn't always sustainable. Even if they take you back but especially if they don't- you're back to feeling nothing is worth it again. It's always quite risking pinning so much on another.

There again, I imagine where you are, it's almost impossible to want to make positive changes purely for yourself. It may turn out that you start making changes with her still in mind but then, start to feel better about doing them for you anyway. So, it may be good initial motivation to encourage you into action.

It's a cliche but, sometimes time does help. I do tend to think you must be so distraught at the moment though- it's hard to feel positive/ enthusiastic about anything.

Sometimes it helps me to acknowledge it's understandable I feel shit after a negative experience. Maybe it isn't strictly something we have to go through- because we can choose to CTB but, it's likely we will feel kind of awful for a while after something like this happens.

You mentioned lying a lot. Did you lie to her?

 

[blissful]

Sorry about that. No one else has replied yet, hopefully someone with relationship experience will also answer later. I don't have much energy so sorry if you've already answered these in previous posts, some mostly rhetorical questions:

You say you have no one but you mentioned your family, what's going on there?
Can you talk to your family about this?
Can you see any way of surviving without your partner? Do you have any goals/hobbies/dreams aside from that?
If you want to, sharing details about what made her break up with you may make some people here have advice for that (or look stuff up online).
Not sure how old you are, is this your first relationship/break up? Maybe search for others online and see how they got through it.

My general impression is that this seems rushed and that your mind may be clouded by emotions at the moment. Is there anything you can do to calm down and stay calm for long periods of time? As you probably know, our decision making can get impaired during emotional moments, pain, etc. For me meditation and exercise/healthy habits have helped stay more rational than before.

I'm not happy with the quality of this post and I feel sort of brain-dead at the moment, but just wanted to throw it out until someone else can write something better/you find something else online/etc.

Best regards.

the family stuff is really complicated and i dont really feel like i can explain the entire thing but i am not the favourite child and im mostly (at least in my eyes) seen as a burden and something to deal with. there has been no real care for how rapidly ive stopped caring about myself visibly or anything else. the best way i can put it is everything wrong with me or wrong that i do is seen as a burden or chore instead of a concern or warning. although they often say otherwise i still pretty firmly believe they do not really care about me and will deal with me as long as they have to without looking like a horrible person to anybody around them. i of course could be wrong because i would classify myself as unreliable since i have gone through/am going through so much to the point where i likely am overly pessimistic or dismissive. that should answer both 1 and 2. to answer 2 more actually, i am horribly terrified of them and what they will make me do. i was groomed when i was young and developed a porn addiction and was not allowed to do use a phone, computer, anything at all for a little over a year. and the other side of my family is (i believe) severely mentally ill, he has done a lot of stuff but the probably most outlandish thing is trying to do one of those scam brain scans where they claim to know everthing about you and your thoughts and stuff (i am like 101% certain that is not a thing and is an entire scam). i am honestly scared that even if they do care about me and love me that i risk losing access to everything which would mean i dont really have anybody to talk to, any way to cope, any way to make money, any way to do really anything (and ctb would also be off the table then too since i would be unable to order anything).

i dont really know if i see a way of surviving without her, i have gone htrough a number of breakups (i think 6 or 7 (this isnt a joke)) and this is immedietly not the worst because there was a breakup where somebody pretty much controlled my entire life and changed me so much as a person then cheated on me and acted as if it didnt matter. i mostly blame that for being one of the things to ruin me mentally and my life as a whole so much. that was different though because i had a good number of friends then and i could always talk to people and everything. this time i dont have a single person to talk to that isnt her and its honestly eating me alive ive pretty much just been waking up and watching youtube because im too fatigued to do anything else and i cant really think properly. part of the breakup was how i never showed my face and didnt talk much at all which was because i hate how i sound and look and havent worked on that much at all because i put it off so much and i feel like i can never work on it without being judged by my family if they see me. there was some other stuff but pretty much all of it was he misunderingstanding things i said which is okay im not great with words and i dont blame her. the last thing was just we are a different timezone and its hard for us to talk since we both are busy sometimes and it was making her unhappy.

im not going to say my age because idk i dont feel like its a thing worthwhile but i am under the age of 20 and im an adult.



honestly, youre right. it is rushed and i sort of thought so too a bit after, im extremely impulsive and dramatic and i hate it. my mind very much is clouded by emotions and has been pretty much since then. i think i mentioned above what helps me calm down but music (depends on it but a lot of like trance, ambient, whatever whatever (i like a lot of sienna sleep, latex fruit, boards of canada, aphex twin, etc)), watching youtube, working (depends what it is but it really can get me laser focused sometimes to where i think of nothing else aside from that and it can help), most things that have me thinking about something and doesnt give me a chance to think for myself. yea i know that you get sort of impaired when you go through emotional things i mostly assumed it was just trauma though and idk if i would call this trauma. i never really have done meditation ever in my life i always thought it was religious stuff and im not religious so i pushed it away. exercise sometimes helps but it also lets me be alone and think which i hate because it never goes well, i pace around my house a lot and i always just get worse and worse and worse but i cant stop myself.


i hope this answers stuff you asked im not sure if it did a good job im sorry if it didnt

What you are going through is actually pretty normal as most of us have or will go through it. Unfortunately, its the way of this existence. But that doesn't mean you start taking all the blame!
Life is hard and situations can be quite perplexing. But take a step back and just breathe... a long much needed breath.
Close your eyes for a moment and try to just be still. Now open them.
You are not the problem, but problems have come up in your life. -- Solve it as an algebraic equation or at least give it a shot.
To be loved, cared for is a built-in human trait, everyone craves it so why not you.
But when the time is not our side, it can be helpful to try and stay in control. Even better if we can just give without any expectations for its return. (Heck, even Superman got his heart broken many times)
You are not a liar --- PERIOD.
So you lied a few times, big deal. People in this world commit heinous crimes and roam without a spur of guilt on their faces. The fact that you are evaluating yourself and soul says so much about you.
Do you think, a baby bird starts flying on the very first day, a toddler starts walking or a world class athlete wins trophy in their first attempt?
You have to fall first in order to stand tall later!
And I am sure you will stand up.

honestly this really helped, i guess i never really took breaks or time to just relax i feel like i always have to think about something or do something. i appreciate you saying im not the problem, i really struggle with that even though im not superstitious its hard for me to not think im cursed or something because i feel like its always me and it hurts to see all the good things happen to people who have been horrible to me. not that i want things to go wrong for them, i believe everybody should get better. it jsut feels a bit backwards to see people do something bad to you then good things happen to them and bad things happen to you.

its not that i dont crave love, im nto sure if thats what youre trying to say if not im sorry. i do, a lot, probably more than i should. but i dont feel loved at all, i wish i was loved and cared for. i just hope that maybe if things pick up in the future that i can be loved again by somebody or more than just one person.

i do try to stay in control but sometimes it can be hard, sometimes it feels like i have no control over what is going on in my life at all. its honestly sad because i should have all the opportunities in the world, i was born into a family where money isnt really a problem, not rich by any means but definetely dont struggle. i dont get any of the benefits of that though, i have to buy almost everything myself and all the benefits you would hear about how they can try new things and never have to struggle with the beginning is sadly not true for me. its hard to have control when you dont really have anything. i cant be in control of a friendgroup or list of friends i dont have, i cant be in control over finances i barely have, i cant be in control of how people look at me when i keep to myself mostly. i would love to be in control, i dont like having too much control because that gets to be stressful but it really sucks having or at least feeling like you have no control.

if you mean liar in the traditional sense, then yea i would argee im not. but people dont really think that way, people think very black and white and hate when they dont have something to be mad at. they will (and have) put me on the same tier as those people as much as i disagree with it. its not that ive lied a few times to be honest ive lied a lot for a long time, ive been lying about almost everything including random things i have no reason to lie about its just second nature for the longest time. pretty much since elementary school. it honestly feels nice being here and being able to not lie because i dont have to impress or get the interest of anybody. i just get to talk to people because they already probably view me as just like them, a random normal person.

i do agree with "The fact that you are evaluating yourself and soul says so much about you." though. i really agree with that, i kind of feel weird giving myself props but i have said that to myself before. i know im not at rock rock rock bottom because i know im wrong and that im failing and i know everything starts with me. i know i have to get better and i try although i dont do a good job at it. i really have tried and i want to try even more because i think theres no reason not to try.

"You have to fall first in order to stand tall later!" i agree. but to me its felt like i have fallen over and over again further and further for over a decade. at some pointi have to stand back up, right? but what if i said that 4 years ago, then it kept happening. by now would i think there is no such thing as standing tall? of course it doesnt just come out of thin air you have to work for it and take the opportunity but it really has felt like there is no chance still. but i dont trust myself to think that because ive seen so much negative that to me thats the only future. i know that the future is not only negative unless i make it negative. but what are the chances i try and succeed versus failing again. i dont really know, thats partially what scares me.

"And I am sure you will stand up." this really means a lot. its hard to believe in, to be honest, but i will try to stand back up. if i dont try i know the only option is falling further down and theres no reason not to take the chance and try to stand back up.

seriously, thank you. i really dont think ive heard somebody believe in me in idk how long tbh but it really has been a long time.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Glad to see others on here also came in to comment.

i never really have done meditation ever in my life i always thought it was religious stuff and im not religious so i pushed it away

Yeah, an amount of it is linked to religions. Here is my introduction without any direct religion, iirc https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meditation-megathread-pin-this.187169 , where I link resources going over the what/why/how of it. Also maybe try some music meditation since you like music, maybe throw in some "skychology", etc, if you don't want to sit still right away. If you're interested in it you can start doing it in whatever way that feels best for you.

 

[blissful]

I'd say firstly- don't feel embarassed about the way you feel or for talking about this. It sounds like you went through a very lonely start, not having people to relate to, to finding someone you could. It's pretty understandable you would be feeling cut adrift and lost at sea now that they've somewhat pulled away.

I went through something slightly similar- although, plutonically rather than romantically and it felt almost heart breaking at the time. Which probably sounds even more dramatic than your situation.

It's also understandable that at the moment, you're viewing your life through their lense almost. That you need to 'improve' or change to impress them and, get them back. Again, I don't think that's unexpected in your situation. This person means so much to you.

I doubt many people at all would encourage you to die at this stage although- we may understand why you want to. It's also not all together healthy to mould yourself into something you hope someone else might love though. Partly because it isn't always sustainable. Even if they take you back but especially if they don't- you're back to feeling nothing is worth it again. It's always quite risking pinning so much on another.

There again, I imagine where you are, it's almost impossible to want to make positive changes purely for yourself. It may turn out that you start making changes with her still in mind but then, start to feel better about doing them for you anyway. So, it may be good initial motivation to encourage you into action.

It's a cliche but, sometimes time does help. I do tend to think you must be so distraught at the moment though- it's hard to feel positive/ enthusiastic about anything.

Sometimes it helps me to acknowledge it's understandable I feel shit after a negative experience. Maybe it isn't strictly something we have to go through- because we can choose to CTB but, it's likely we will feel kind of awful for a while after something like this happens.

You mentioned lying a lot. Did you lie to her?

"Even if they take you back but especially if they don't- you're back to feeling nothing is worth it again. It's always quite risking pinning so much on another." i entirely agree to be honest. thats something i dont know if i want to or even can afford to risk at all. we are still friends we just arent dating so i still have somebody just not somebody love wise. i know its not healthy to mould myself into something else just for a hope that they would take me back, i agree to be honest. i just feel a bit hopeless and that i dont have many other options.

i can agree time can help but i think, and i could be wrong. it usually is because there are lots of other things to focus on and do. i dont really have those, i have goals but i dont really have anything i can do about them, i dont have people i can talk to that arent her, i have a million things to do and work on for myself that i dont really have time to just take time off to do this random thing or that random thing.

i personally know that its understandable for me to be feel like shit but i also feel like i probably am being unreasonable about it. of course we can choose to ctb but i really dont want to. i dont believe i have anything that is permanent like some people on here where there is a lot less action they can take to be better. if i had a 100% path to where i could have a good set of friends, be able to work happily and provide for myself, lots of therapy to work on/get rid of my mental issues, maybe a partner. i would take it every single time, i really dont like the idea of giving up, i havent given up after years and years and years of stuff going wrong and getting worse. i have a really hard time getting to that point. i literally havent even gotten to the point of swapping anything i have for xmr to be able to buy sn (although to me that is something i would do right before i buy it) but i have gotten to the point where i have the links and everything for it. i have a very very very hard time getting to that point. i dont know what happens after i die. im not religious but i overthink a lot, what if reincarnation is real and i die and in the next life im in a much much much worse scenario. its probably the hardest choice for me to make because it really is a point of no return. and i mean the way i would be treated if i bought that stuff and it was found would be the worst thing ever, not something i could bear personally.

i didnt really lie to her, i lied about a few things but it was almost all just random stupid things that were not important at all. like i lied to her once about how i wasnt hungry while we were talking mainly bc i jsut wanted to keep talking with her and i was hungry but i didnt really care that much. she was probably the person i lied the least to at all. mainly because she knew me a lot more and we related on a lot of things so i never felt a reason to lie.

"it's likely we will feel kind of awful for a while after something like this happens." yea, i do, and i will. but how long will that last? i can take dealing with this on my own for a bit (probably) but for longer? i dont know, maybe i cant. normally this wouldnt even be a risk at all it would be a non issue because they have friends they can talk to or play with or go out with or anything. i sort of just have to ignore it or sit by myself to talk about it or think about it. i guess the exception is here because i know she doesnt know what this is at all and i feel safe talking about this here without being judged or anything.

thank you for your reply. i really like the way you talk honestly, its really thought provoking and nice. you assess both ideas and talk about things as if we were just having a 1-1 conversation even though were not. its really nice, thank you.

Glad to see others on here also came in to comment.

Yeah, an amount of it is linked to religions. Here is my introduction without any religion, iirc https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meditation-megathread-pin-this.187169 , where I link resources going over the what/why/how of it. Also maybe try some music meditation since you like music, maybe throw in some "skychology", etc, if you don't want to sit still right away. If you're interested in it you can start doing it in whatever way that feels best for you.

i will take a look at this. i never really knew it wasnt all like 1000000% religious lol. i always thought it was either a scam/pseudo "science" or just religious so i think it might take me a bit to really understand it. i will give it a try though. ive never heard of music meditation, i literally would just listen to songs that make me feel peaceful whenever i really really needed it or long public appearances.

i already mentioned this in my other thread but this still is #1 for me for making me feel peaceful/calm. i have no idea if music meditation is something different though or if it just means music that makes you feel calm.



is there anything you would say or recommend at all that isnt mentioned in your post, for somebody who doesnt really know anything about meditation.

 

[Forever Sleep]

"Even if they take you back but especially if they don't- you're back to feeling nothing is worth it again. It's always quite risking pinning so much on another." i entirely agree to be honest. thats something i dont know if i want to or even can afford to risk at all. we are still friends we just arent dating so i still have somebody just not somebody love wise. i know its not healthy to mould myself into something else just for a hope that they would take me back, i agree to be honest. i just feel a bit hopeless and that i dont have many other options.

i can agree time can help but i think, and i could be wrong. it usually is because there are lots of other things to focus on and do. i dont really have those, i have goals but i dont really have anything i can do about them, i dont have people i can talk to that arent her, i have a million things to do and work on for myself that i dont really have time to just take time off to do this random thing or that random thing.

i personally know that its understandable for me to be feel like shit but i also feel like i probably am being unreasonable about it. of course we can choose to ctb but i really dont want to. i dont believe i have anything that is permanent like some people on here where there is a lot less action they can take to be better. if i had a 100% path to where i could have a good set of friends, be able to work happily and provide for myself, lots of therapy to work on/get rid of my mental issues, maybe a partner. i would take it every single time, i really dont like the idea of giving up, i havent given up after years and years and years of stuff going wrong and getting worse. i have a really hard time getting to that point. i literally havent even gotten to the point of swapping anything i have for xmr to be able to buy sn (although to me that is something i would do right before i buy it) but i have gotten to the point where i have the links and everything for it. i have a very very very hard time getting to that point. i dont know what happens after i die. im not religious but i overthink a lot, what if reincarnation is real and i die and in the next life im in a much much much worse scenario. its probably the hardest choice for me to make because it really is a point of no return. and i mean the way i would be treated if i bought that stuff and it was found would be the worst thing ever, not something i could bear personally.

i didnt really lie to her, i lied about a few things but it was almost all just random stupid things that were not important at all. like i lied to her once about how i wasnt hungry while we were talking mainly bc i jsut wanted to keep talking with her and i was hungry but i didnt really care that much. she was probably the person i lied the least to at all. mainly because she knew me a lot more and we related on a lot of things so i never felt a reason to lie.

"it's likely we will feel kind of awful for a while after something like this happens." yea, i do, and i will. but how long will that last? i can take dealing with this on my own for a bit (probably) but for longer? i dont know, maybe i cant. normally this wouldnt even be a risk at all it would be a non issue because they have friends they can talk to or play with or go out with or anything. i sort of just have to ignore it or sit by myself to talk about it or think about it. i guess the exception is here because i know she doesnt know what this is at all and i feel safe talking about this here without being judged or anything.

thank you for your reply. i really like the way you talk honestly, its really thought provoking and nice. you assess both ideas and talk about things as if we were just having a 1-1 conversation even though were not. its really nice, thank you.

You're by no means alone in wanting to improve for someone else. I literally spent years doing it- even though I swore to myself I wouldn't! But yeah- it's not the most sustainable goal. But, it can be good initially I think- it's better than nothing anyway.

Someone's either lucky or well organised to have everything in their life sorted out. Also- a breakup or loss can be so devastating that none of those other things then seem all that important. So, I wouldn't assume other people necessarily have it easier- not that you are.

It's also largely down to us- if we realise our lives have become too fixated in one direction- that we are in danger of losing everything if we then lose that one thing. A friend again also criticised me for putting all my eggs in one (creative career) basket and ultimately- they're right. I'm pretty screwed now that it isn't as fulfilling as it was.

Ultimately though- at any stage in life, we can make changes. They don't have to be huge. We don't even have to be utterly invested in them either. It sounds like you do have one or two goals/ interests still. It's a shame that you've partly lost her to discuss them with- although it does sound like she'll still be there as a friend. It's not the same as real life I realise but- you could share stuff here- while being conscious of not doxxing yourself of course.

But really- even small steps count I think. Check out a website, look at any fees of something you're interested in. Look at reviews. It's bound not to feel great at the start but, it's just doing something. I've found in the past- just having those ideas practically swirling around did eventually lead to me following them.

Truthfully though, things aren't all that certain for a lot of people. I suppose if we know we need more stability- again- we have to do things to try and find it.

Regarding SN- it maybe depends on you. I've had SN sitting in a cupboard for over two years now. I don't feel like I can use it until specific things happen in my life. So, I think you can secure a method without necessarily using it. But- it depends on the person. If you can be impulsive, it may not be the best thing to do to buy it. It's kind if tricky though. I partly bought it when I did because I predicted it would become much harder to get- which it has. So, it's a tricky choice really.

I would call that more a fib rather than a malicious lie and, for pretty sweet reasons too. That you were enjoying the conversation so much. We can sometimes lie out of awkwardness or shyness sometimes too which- while isn't great, I don't tend to see as something deliberately unkind or misleading.

I'm glad it helped a little to 'talk'. I hope you find your way through this. It can take a long time I think sometimes but then, it's likely different for everyone.

 

[blissful]

You're by no means alone in wanting to improve for someone else. I literally spent years doing it- even though I swore to myself I wouldn't! But yeah- it's not the most sustainable goal. But, it can be good initially I think- it's better than nothing anyway.

Someone's either lucky or well organised to have everything in their life sorted out. Also- a breakup or loss can be so devastating that none of those other things then seem all that important. So, I wouldn't assume other people necessarily have it easier- not that you are.

It's also largely down to us- if we realise our lives have become too fixated in one direction- that we are in danger of losing everything if we then lose that one thing. A friend again also criticised me for putting all my eggs in one (creative career) basket and ultimately- they're right. I'm pretty screwed now that it isn't as fulfilling as it was.

Ultimately though- at any stage in life, we can make changes. They don't have to be huge. We don't even have to be utterly invested in them either. It sounds like you do have one or two goals/ interests still. It's a shame that you've partly lost her to discuss them with- although it does sound like she'll still be there as a friend. It's not the same as real life I realise but- you could share stuff here- while being conscious of not doxxing yourself of course.

But really- even small steps count I think. Check out a website, look at any fees of something you're interested in. Look at reviews. It's bound not to feel great at the start but, it's just doing something. I've found in the past- just having those ideas practically swirling around did eventually lead to me following them.

Truthfully though, things aren't all that certain for a lot of people. I suppose if we know we need more stability- again- we have to do things to try and find it.

Regarding SN- it maybe depends on you. I've had SN sitting in a cupboard for over two years now. I don't feel like I can use it until specific things happen in my life. So, I think you can secure a method without necessarily using it. But- it depends on the person. If you can be impulsive, it may not be the best thing to do to buy it. It's kind if tricky though. I partly bought it when I did because I predicted it would become much harder to get- which it has. So, it's a tricky choice really.

I would call that more a fib rather than a malicious lie and, for pretty sweet reasons too. That you were enjoying the conversation so much. We can sometimes lie out of awkwardness or shyness sometimes too which- while isn't great, I don't tend to see as something deliberately unkind or misleading.

I'm glad it helped a little to 'talk'. I hope you find your way through this. It can take a long time I think sometimes but then, it's likely different for everyone.

"You're by no means alone in wanting to improve for someone else. I literally spent years doing it- even though I swore to myself I wouldn't! But yeah- it's not the most sustainable goal." i hope this doesnt come off wrong but im genuinely so glad you can relate. my conversations with people my whole life have been plagued with people saying "awww that must suck" or giving advice when they dont understand at all what i was saying. i would rather somebody say "honestly i dont really know what that is all about but if theres anything i can help with please let me know" i say that myself because i think its honestly the best answer you can give when you dont understand. i literally stopped bringing so much stuff up because of people not understanding or relating at all and giving pseudo or just stupid advice. im not glad that it happened to you i do feel bad and im glad its a spent and not spending, but i am glad you at least can actually give an informed opinion on it. and honestly your probably right, it probably would make me much much much worse by constantly trying to chase and change myself just for a chance of her coming back.

"So, I wouldn't assume other people necessarily have it easier- not that you are." oh no yea i dont. ive been very much against the idea that rich people or people with no mental disorders or whatever have it "easy" because i think everybody goes through their own things. if i was rich and always had to be scared that i was a target and could get stabed or shot or kidnapped or anything at any point it would eat me alive. of course not everybody has that but i am very much aware and surprised most people arent aware that everybody has their own problems and just because somebody has less or doesnt have exactly what you have doesnt mean they have a worryfree or easy life. although i do believe personally if i had those things i listed i would deal with this a lot better. and thank you for clarrifying you dont think that im assuming that, i am very much bad with reading stuff like that lol so i appreciate you being clear with what you meant.

"A friend again also criticised me for putting all my eggs in one (creative career) basket and ultimately- they're right. I'm pretty screwed now that it isn't as fulfilling as it was." sadly i can relate to this. i do a good amount of coding and used to do a lot of web development and python/go and then dropped python and go and my friend told me i was making a really big mistake. sure enough a week or two ago i saw a career listening for a fellowship at anthropic that pretty much matches what i know how to do entire aside from the fact it has nothing to do with web development and one of the needs is "Fluent in Python programming" which i never got to that point. i honestly dont think i would have gotten that job but the pay from that position would have changed my life i think it was like 250k a year or something, genuinely life changing (although the likelyhood of getting the job at a competitive company like anthropic in a competitive space like tech was probably near impossible). really do regret dropping it but its on me and i cant really blame anybody but myself for it as much as it sucks. although for you i assume it is much harder since creative careers are a lot less broad than software engineering is. im wishing the best for you whether you decide to stick with that path or not.

i do have some goals and interests still but i think i probably have way too much to work on and do that i cant really do those interests i dont think. one of them is content creation i really like the idea of being able to make content or stuff i remember making youtube videos like 8 or 9 years ago and streaming on twitch like 7 years ago or something. i also really like music but i dont know if i would like making music im not sure. i mentioned it above but i love coding too i find it really fun and web development lets the artistic side of me shine. i love photography too although i almost never get to do it. "It's not the same as real life I realise but- you could share stuff here- while being conscious of not doxxing yourself of course." maybe i can im not sure tbh. i feel like those would be too at risk of being self promotion but maybe i could show some cool things i make for random small passion project site/elements if i ever have the time to do it, i feel like any photography would be way too risky for doxxing myself since well im not going to travel just to take a picture.

"Check out a website, look at any fees of something you're interested in. Look at reviews. It's bound not to feel great at the start but, it's just doing something." i dont really know what you mean by this. could you maybe explain a bit what you mean? sorry if its really obvious i genuinely am not understanding, could just be me though.

"So, I think you can secure a method without necessarily using it." i really dont know how long stuff like that lasts tbh. i was going to get sn and metoclopramide but i have no idea the "shelf life" of either of them. "If you can be impulsive, it may not be the best thing to do to buy it." i partially am but i really dont want for if i ever choose to ctb for it not to be for sale anymore at all. not to mention having to hide that from my family i have no idea how i would even do that because my life would be over if they found supplies for ctb. at least it would be a problem until i move out but i have no idea when i will be able to do that. i also dont really know how big a 70g bag or whatever it would come in would be. i assume it cant be that big. but it also matters on how you store it. "It's kind if tricky though. I partly bought it when I did because I predicted it would become much harder to get- which it has." exact reason why i want to get all the supplies sooner rather than later, i feel like its too much of a risk to believe "itll be for sale still until im ready!" which could be a week down the line, a month, two months, a year, 10 years, who knows.

"I would call that more a fib rather than a malicious lie" thats what almost all of my "lies" are pretty much i sort of barely know how to talk normally anymore and when im talking talking i have a hard time with some things so i will just lie so it stops or so it makes sense. "We can sometimes lie out of awkwardness or shyness sometimes too which- while isn't great" i woul say thats why i lie mostly, i never really mean to lie for a specific reason or for any personal gain (outside of when i was in school i lied SO much to my teachers for my own gain). "I don't tend to see as something deliberately unkind or misleading." i dont either but i still honestly hate that i do it. i wish i was more comfortable with myself and comfortable talking to where i didnt feel like i had to and didnt subcontiously and naturally lie so much to fit in or keep a conversation going or to seem normal. it is one of the things i hate the most about myself to be honest.

"I hope you find your way through this." thank you, it genuinely probably means a lot more than you can know to hear this. really dont hear this enough from people anymore. "It can take a long time I think sometimes but then, it's likely different for everyone." i agree although it does sort of worry me because i dont have all the time in the world. i hope things can at the very least start to pick up and get better soon. thank you again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

"You're by no means alone in wanting to improve for someone else. I literally spent years doing it- even though I swore to myself I wouldn't! But yeah- it's not the most sustainable goal." i hope this doesnt come off wrong but im genuinely so glad you can relate. my conversations with people my whole life have been plagued with people saying "awww that must suck" or giving advice when they dont understand at all what i was saying. i would rather somebody say "honestly i dont really know what that is all about but if theres anything i can help with please let me know" i say that myself because i think its honestly the best answer you can give when you dont understand. i literally stopped bringing so much stuff up because of people not understanding or relating at all and giving pseudo or just stupid advice. im not glad that it happened to you i do feel bad and im glad its a spent and not spending, but i am glad you at least can actually give an informed opinion on it. and honestly your probably right, it probably would make me much much much worse by constantly trying to chase and change myself just for a chance of her coming back.

"So, I wouldn't assume other people necessarily have it easier- not that you are." oh no yea i dont. ive been very much against the idea that rich people or people with no mental disorders or whatever have it "easy" because i think everybody goes through their own things. if i was rich and always had to be scared that i was a target and could get stabed or shot or kidnapped or anything at any point it would eat me alive. of course not everybody has that but i am very much aware and surprised most people arent aware that everybody has their own problems and just because somebody has less or doesnt have exactly what you have doesnt mean they have a worryfree or easy life. although i do believe personally if i had those things i listed i would deal with this a lot better. and thank you for clarrifying you dont think that im assuming that, i am very much bad with reading stuff like that lol so i appreciate you being clear with what you meant.

"A friend again also criticised me for putting all my eggs in one (creative career) basket and ultimately- they're right. I'm pretty screwed now that it isn't as fulfilling as it was." sadly i can relate to this. i do a good amount of coding and used to do a lot of web development and python/go and then dropped python and go and my friend told me i was making a really big mistake. sure enough a week or two ago i saw a career listening for a fellowship at anthropic that pretty much matches what i know how to do entire aside from the fact it has nothing to do with web development and one of the needs is "Fluent in Python programming" which i never got to that point. i honestly dont think i would have gotten that job but the pay from that position would have changed my life i think it was like 250k a year or something, genuinely life changing (although the likelyhood of getting the job at a competitive company like anthropic in a competitive space like tech was probably near impossible). really do regret dropping it but its on me and i cant really blame anybody but myself for it as much as it sucks. although for you i assume it is much harder since creative careers are a lot less broad than software engineering is. im wishing the best for you whether you decide to stick with that path or not.

i do have some goals and interests still but i think i probably have way too much to work on and do that i cant really do those interests i dont think. one of them is content creation i really like the idea of being able to make content or stuff i remember making youtube videos like 8 or 9 years ago and streaming on twitch like 7 years ago or something. i also really like music but i dont know if i would like making music im not sure. i mentioned it above but i love coding too i find it really fun and web development lets the artistic side of me shine. i love photography too although i almost never get to do it. "It's not the same as real life I realise but- you could share stuff here- while being conscious of not doxxing yourself of course." maybe i can im not sure tbh. i feel like those would be too at risk of being self promotion but maybe i could show some cool things i make for random small passion project site/elements if i ever have the time to do it, i feel like any photography would be way too risky for doxxing myself since well im not going to travel just to take a picture.

"Check out a website, look at any fees of something you're interested in. Look at reviews. It's bound not to feel great at the start but, it's just doing something." i dont really know what you mean by this. could you maybe explain a bit what you mean? sorry if its really obvious i genuinely am not understanding, could just be me though.

"So, I think you can secure a method without necessarily using it." i really dont know how long stuff like that lasts tbh. i was going to get sn and metoclopramide but i have no idea the "shelf life" of either of them. "If you can be impulsive, it may not be the best thing to do to buy it." i partially am but i really dont want for if i ever choose to ctb for it not to be for sale anymore at all. not to mention having to hide that from my family i have no idea how i would even do that because my life would be over if they found supplies for ctb. at least it would be a problem until i move out but i have no idea when i will be able to do that. i also dont really know how big a 70g bag or whatever it would come in would be. i assume it cant be that big. but it also matters on how you store it. "It's kind if tricky though. I partly bought it when I did because I predicted it would become much harder to get- which it has." exact reason why i want to get all the supplies sooner rather than later, i feel like its too much of a risk to believe "itll be for sale still until im ready!" which could be a week down the line, a month, two months, a year, 10 years, who knows.

"I would call that more a fib rather than a malicious lie" thats what almost all of my "lies" are pretty much i sort of barely know how to talk normally anymore and when im talking talking i have a hard time with some things so i will just lie so it stops or so it makes sense. "We can sometimes lie out of awkwardness or shyness sometimes too which- while isn't great" i woul say thats why i lie mostly, i never really mean to lie for a specific reason or for any personal gain (outside of when i was in school i lied SO much to my teachers for my own gain). "I don't tend to see as something deliberately unkind or misleading." i dont either but i still honestly hate that i do it. i wish i was more comfortable with myself and comfortable talking to where i didnt feel like i had to and didnt subcontiously and naturally lie so much to fit in or keep a conversation going or to seem normal. it is one of the things i hate the most about myself to be honest.

"I hope you find your way through this." thank you, it genuinely probably means a lot more than you can know to hear this. really dont hear this enough from people anymore. "It can take a long time I think sometimes but then, it's likely different for everyone." i agree although it does sort of worry me because i dont have all the time in the world. i hope things can at the very least start to pick up and get better soon. thank you again.

My situation was slightly different in that I changed myself- mostly my appearance- in the hopes of attracting someone to begin with. Which, may not sound exactly major but, it was kind of dishonest to who I was. I went more feminine and tried a (failed) attempt to look attractive when I actually resented it that women complied to all that stuff. (Not that I'm criticizing women who want to do all that.) So- slightly different. Worse in some ways I think.

But, in terms of mindset, I believe I was similar. I'd relate everything I was doing back to them and my (ridiculous in my case) fantasy of being with them. It wasn't easy to drop all that but, in my case it was likely limerence- obsessive crushes on these people. So, I eventually figured out it was doing me more harm than good- so, I needed to.

The coding sounds interesting. You would obviously be behind if you now returned to it but then- if it's something you enjoy, could it help you to get a job you enjoy? Maybe not the top job but, a reasonable one?

I wouldn't risk sharing physical work here that is elsewhere on the internet- I think that could be too revealing. I meant more your dreams as it were. So- something like- I'm trying to get back into coding or learning an instrument or whatever- does anyone have any recommendations?

You can try to keep yourself accountable too. Sometimes it can help to have an ambition to do something and know you'll be telling others how you are getting on with it. So, maybe it encourages you to do it. Not sure really, it might help. A friend and I once agreed to spur one another on to do exercise. It worked for a while at least.

Probably the most popular content creators post regularly but, there are people I follow who are away for months/ years sometimes and, people are still keen to view their stuff when they come back. Even if you do stuff gradually, when you can- mightn't it be worth it? Or, are you a more all or nothing person? I can be that too, to be honest.

I just meant the website, courses etc. if you were considering trying to learn something new. Just simply requesting a college prospectus or looking online at related subjects I tend to see as a positive step forward towards something.

The bags for SN can be very small. I bought 100g I think it was- which is enough for 4 glasses of it. And it came in an A5 envelope. However, SN is a lot more on authorities radars now. I did end up with a welfare check nearly 6 months after purchase. I think there's always a risk now. Some sites still seem to be flying under the radar for now. It also depends where you live I think.

But yeah, I can understand that a check when you live with others has got to be frightening. It wasn't fun alone either. It's just a bit of a nightmare really for everyone. Mine is expiring now. It has a 2 year quoted shelf life. I think it may actually last longer if left unopened but, it's still really troubling.

I'm not sure how old you are. But, you may find you feel more at ease as you age. I was a very nervous youngster. I said some ridiculous things when I was young and nervous. I think sometimes as we age, we start to care less! Thankfully. So, that may naturally start to improve- hopefully.

That's something else I was kind of obsessed with when I was young- achieving certain things by certain ages. But then, you can find yourself in the situation where you simply haven't achieved those things. By my mid- late twenties, I felt so horribly stuck. In a retail job I hated while I tried to get a freelance career off the ground. And really- it was hopeless. It took an agent to point it out- which was kind if devastating but, eventually made me (necessarily) re-think my life.

I went back to uni to study something else (still creative.) It wasn't ideal- I was 10 years older than most there but, it turned out to be the right thing to do. Really- we have as much or little time as we choose to give outselves I think. It felt like it was a lot more to do with achievement and ambition when I was young. Now I'm older, it's more just getting through in a way that's comfortable and finding the lessor of the evils.

Sometimes we find ourselves hugely disadvantaged to others- whether that be just through bad luck or more unwise choices we make but then, it doesn't mean we can't compete at all. We may not be the best but, we may still achieve a reasonable amount. The more important thing for me was to feel happier in my job. So- in many ways it was stupid to pursue a creative career- and to switch fields so late but, I suspect I would have been even more miserable earlier- if I hadn't. Obviously- there needs to be some practicality to it too of course but, I often think it's worth trying to achieve the things we want.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Work on yourself for yourself, not for others. Others may come & go, we can't base our happiness or make life & death decisions based on something that comes & goes. Get yourself to a better & more solid place (mentally, emotionally, maybe spiritually) and and you'll be able to attract better relationships. There's no rush, you have the rest of your life to work on yourself & keep improving .

 

[blissful]

My situation was slightly different in that I changed myself- mostly my appearance- in the hopes of attracting someone to begin with. Which, may not sound exactly major but, it was kind of dishonest to who I was. I went more feminine and tried a (failed) attempt to look attractive when I actually resented it that women complied to all that stuff. (Not that I'm criticizing women who want to do all that.) So- slightly different. Worse in some ways I think.

But, in terms of mindset, I believe I was similar. I'd relate everything I was doing back to them and my (ridiculous in my case) fantasy of being with them. It wasn't easy to drop all that but, in my case it was likely limerence- obsessive crushes on these people. So, I eventually figured out it was doing me more harm than good- so, I needed to.

The coding sounds interesting. You would obviously be behind if you now returned to it but then- if it's something you enjoy, could it help you to get a job you enjoy? Maybe not the top job but, a reasonable one?

I wouldn't risk sharing physical work here that is elsewhere on the internet- I think that could be too revealing. I meant more your dreams as it were. So- something like- I'm trying to get back into coding or learning an instrument or whatever- does anyone have any recommendations?

You can try to keep yourself accountable too. Sometimes it can help to have an ambition to do something and know you'll be telling others how you are getting on with it. So, maybe it encourages you to do it. Not sure really, it might help. A friend and I once agreed to spur one another on to do exercise. It worked for a while at least.

Probably the most popular content creators post regularly but, there are people I follow who are away for months/ years sometimes and, people are still keen to view their stuff when they come back. Even if you do stuff gradually, when you can- mightn't it be worth it? Or, are you a more all or nothing person? I can be that too, to be honest.

I just meant the website, courses etc. if you were considering trying to learn something new. Just simply requesting a college prospectus or looking online at related subjects I tend to see as a positive step forward towards something.

The bags for SN can be very small. I bought 100g I think it was- which is enough for 4 glasses of it. And it came in an A5 envelope. However, SN is a lot more on authorities radars now. I did end up with a welfare check nearly 6 months after purchase. I think there's always a risk now. Some sites still seem to be flying under the radar for now. It also depends where you live I think.

But yeah, I can understand that a check when you live with others has got to be frightening. It wasn't fun alone either. It's just a bit of a nightmare really for everyone. Mine is expiring now. It has a 2 year quoted shelf life. I think it may actually last longer if left unopened but, it's still really troubling.

I'm not sure how old you are. But, you may find you feel more at ease as you age. I was a very nervous youngster. I said some ridiculous things when I was young and nervous. I think sometimes as we age, we start to care less! Thankfully. So, that may naturally start to improve- hopefully.

That's something else I was kind of obsessed with when I was young- achieving certain things by certain ages. But then, you can find yourself in the situation where you simply haven't achieved those things. By my mid- late twenties, I felt so horribly stuck. In a retail job I hated while I tried to get a freelance career off the ground. And really- it was hopeless. It took an agent to point it out- which was kind if devastating but, eventually made me (necessarily) re-think my life.

I went back to uni to study something else (still creative.) It wasn't ideal- I was 10 years older than most there but, it turned out to be the right thing to do. Really- we have as much or little time as we choose to give outselves I think. It felt like it was a lot more to do with achievement and ambition when I was young. Now I'm older, it's more just getting through in a way that's comfortable and finding the lessor of the evils.

Sometimes we find ourselves hugely disadvantaged to others- whether that be just through bad luck or more unwise choices we make but then, it doesn't mean we can't compete at all. We may not be the best but, we may still achieve a reasonable amount. The more important thing for me was to feel happier in my job. So- in many ways it was stupid to pursue a creative career- and to switch fields so late but, I suspect I would have been even more miserable earlier- if I hadn't. Obviously- there needs to be some practicality to it too of course but, I often think it's worth trying to achieve the things we want.

limerence? been there before, honestly i think theres very little worse things that arent like addictions or stuff than limerence. i was like that for a while and it messed me up so bad i hated it so much.

"I wouldn't risk sharing physical work here that is elsewhere on the internet" probably fair. i wasnt even thinking about that mainly because i dont share my stuff anywhere anyway lol but honestly i didnt even think that it was as risky as that, you make a good point.

"You can try to keep yourself accountable too." i will have to to be honest, i dont have anybody to do it for me or help me. i have so much to do and im going to have to keep myself accountable for all of it, i really dont know how ill do that yet to be honest ive been thinking about that and how to even do that because i have no idea truthfully.

"Even if you do stuff gradually, when you can- mightn't it be worth it?" maybe, time will only tell. thats also a very hard point to get to where people wait a very long time. most people cant do that because they dont have a connection with their followers, most are "just another video" there are very few people in the grand scheme of things that genuinely have people actively watching them for them and specifically choose to watch them and wait for them. i still think i should focus on the really important things like my health, income, mental health, etc first before going into stuff that is more passion unless i have a real plan of how to do content creation and make a good enough amount of money.

"However, SN is a lot more on authorities radars now. I did end up with a welfare check nearly 6 months after purchase." yea i didnt even think of this tbh. i was going to be buying not official from a known marketplace from a seller in the same country, not from an actual company. i am definitely paranoid about welfare checks or anything like that, although i would like to assume there are more important things going on especially right now.

"But yeah, I can understand that a check when you live with others has got to be frightening." i didnt even think about a welfare check i genuinely was just worried about family finding it. i feel like a welfare check would be so so so much worse though.

"So, that may naturally start to improve- hopefully." i hope so to be honest, im an adult <20 and i have constantly said i feel like im too young to know for sure if theres no chance but then again i feel like ive gone through so unbelievably far beyond what most people have dealt with my age especially growing up. although i dont know for sure. i really do hope it gets better the older i get if i get to that point.

"achieving certain things by certain ages." i hate that stuff. you will get to the point you want when you do, and even then a lot of the "goals" people have of wanting to be __ by __ or whatever are always so irresponsible. like those people who will say "oh i want to be rich by 22" yea chances are youll be horrible with your finances and lose it all and if you dont make it you will feel even worse and probably lose all momentum you might have had. i wish people just didnt put goals like that for themselves because it pretty much never ends well.

"Really- we have as much or little time as we choose to give outselves I think." this is usually true honestly. i see the same a lot, people will say they need to do this by __ and often times if you talk to them a bit its usually later or they need to get started by that time and they act or think that they need to be finished by then. i did this a lot but i dont personally think i do as much anymore, even for everything coming up for me i have said myself that i at least need to start doing better in the 6 months and thats the truth i dont need to be "perfect and better and the best version of myself" within 6 months, no, i just have to be better and still getting better. and everything is a lot "easier" to do when you dont cram yourself and give yourself the time you actually have instead of these fake deadlines.

"Sometimes we find ourselves hugely disadvantaged to others- whether that be just through bad luck or more unwise choices we make but then, it doesn't mean we can't compete at all. We may not be the best but, we may still achieve a reasonable amount." i relate to this a lot and the ending is also something i really needed to hear. it really feels like i have everything stacked against me and its so hard for me to actually make progress because i have so many things to do. i know that theres nothing i can change about that though and its just a matter of holding myself accountable and making sure i can actually work through all of it.

"So- in many ways it was stupid to pursue a creative career- and to switch fields so late but, I suspect I would have been even more miserable earlier- if I hadn't." i hope this isnt recieved the wrong way but i really hear this and see my breakup in it. it may seem stupid to let it go and accept the fact its over and cant change that, but in the end it would have made me much more miserable if i didnt realise that sooner and move on. i really hope this doesnt come across well, i just noticed that when reading it and thought i should say it. it really is a good way for me to view this whole thing. even though it probably wasnt your intention, thank you. that seriously helps a lot.

Work on yourself for yourself, not for others. Others may come & go, we can't base our happiness or make life & death decisions based on something that comes & goes. Get yourself to a better & more solid place (mentally, emotionally, maybe spiritually) and and you'll be able to attract better relationships .

i like that first sentence a lot. it really is an amazing way to think about it and phrase it. i shouldnt work on myself for the only reason being just for her to like me.

"Others may come & go, we can't base our happiness or make life & death decisions based on something that comes & goes." this is true! thank you for saying that i really was being extremely unrealistic and i think this is a really good way to think about things. i will 1000% try to apply this in the future to things i honestly never even thought of this.

"you'll be able to attract better relationships" i can only hope. i cant say what the future holds but i can at least hold out until its the present.

 

[Forever Sleep]

limerence? been there before, honestly i think theres very little worse things that arent like addictions or stuff than limerence. i was like that for a while and it messed me up so bad i hated it so much.

"I wouldn't risk sharing physical work here that is elsewhere on the internet" probably fair. i wasnt even thinking about that mainly because i dont share my stuff anywhere anyway lol but honestly i didnt even think that it was as risky as that, you make a good point.

"You can try to keep yourself accountable too." i will have to to be honest, i dont have anybody to do it for me or help me. i have so much to do and im going to have to keep myself accountable for all of it, i really dont know how ill do that yet to be honest ive been thinking about that and how to even do that because i have no idea truthfully.

"Even if you do stuff gradually, when you can- mightn't it be worth it?" maybe, time will only tell. thats also a very hard point to get to where people wait a very long time. most people cant do that because they dont have a connection with their followers, most are "just another video" there are very few people in the grand scheme of things that genuinely have people actively watching them for them and specifically choose to watch them and wait for them. i still think i should focus on the really important things like my health, income, mental health, etc first before going into stuff that is more passion unless i have a real plan of how to do content creation and make a good enough amount of money.

"However, SN is a lot more on authorities radars now. I did end up with a welfare check nearly 6 months after purchase." yea i didnt even think of this tbh. i was going to be buying not official from a known marketplace from a seller in the same country, not from an actual company. i am definitely paranoid about welfare checks or anything like that, although i would like to assume there are more important things going on especially right now.

"But yeah, I can understand that a check when you live with others has got to be frightening." i didnt even think about a welfare check i genuinely was just worried about family finding it. i feel like a welfare check would be so so so much worse though.

"So, that may naturally start to improve- hopefully." i hope so to be honest, im an adult <20 and i have constantly said i feel like im too young to know for sure if theres no chance but then again i feel like ive gone through so unbelievably far beyond what most people have dealt with my age especially growing up. although i dont know for sure. i really do hope it gets better the older i get if i get to that point.

"achieving certain things by certain ages." i hate that stuff. you will get to the point you want when you do, and even then a lot of the "goals" people have of wanting to be __ by __ or whatever are always so irresponsible. like those people who will say "oh i want to be rich by 22" yea chances are youll be horrible with your finances and lose it all and if you dont make it you will feel even worse and probably lose all momentum you might have had. i wish people just didnt put goals like that for themselves because it pretty much never ends well.

"Really- we have as much or little time as we choose to give outselves I think." this is usually true honestly. i see the same a lot, people will say they need to do this by __ and often times if you talk to them a bit its usually later or they need to get started by that time and they act or think that they need to be finished by then. i did this a lot but i dont personally think i do as much anymore, even for everything coming up for me i have said myself that i at least need to start doing better in the 6 months and thats the truth i dont need to be "perfect and better and the best version of myself" within 6 months, no, i just have to be better and still getting better. and everything is a lot "easier" to do when you dont cram yourself and give yourself the time you actually have instead of these fake deadlines.

"Sometimes we find ourselves hugely disadvantaged to others- whether that be just through bad luck or more unwise choices we make but then, it doesn't mean we can't compete at all. We may not be the best but, we may still achieve a reasonable amount." i relate to this a lot and the ending is also something i really needed to hear. it really feels like i have everything stacked against me and its so hard for me to actually make progress because i have so many things to do. i know that theres nothing i can change about that though and its just a matter of holding myself accountable and making sure i can actually work through all of it.

"So- in many ways it was stupid to pursue a creative career- and to switch fields so late but, I suspect I would have been even more miserable earlier- if I hadn't." i hope this isnt recieved the wrong way but i really hear this and see my breakup in it. it may seem stupid to let it go and accept the fact its over and cant change that, but in the end it would have made me much more miserable if i didnt realise that sooner and move on. i really hope this doesnt come across well, i just noticed that when reading it and thought i should say it. it really is a good way for me to view this whole thing. even though it probably wasnt your intention, thank you. that seriously helps a lot.

i like that first sentence a lot. it really is an amazing way to think about it and phrase it. i shouldnt work on myself for the only reason being just for her to like me.

"Others may come & go, we can't base our happiness or make life & death decisions based on something that comes & goes." this is true! thank you for saying that i really was being extremely unrealistic and i think this is a really good way to think about things. i will 1000% try to apply this in the future to things i honestly never even thought of this.

"you'll be able to attract better relationships" i can only hope. i cant say what the future holds but i can at least hold out until its the present.

It sounds as if you are being realistic over what you want to achieve and what you maybe need to proritise first. I really hope your efforts are rewarded and, don't be really hard on yourself if you have the odd bad day or regression. It's bound to be a mix of progress and falling back.

 

[blissful]

It sounds as if you are being realistic over what you want to achieve and what you maybe need to proritise first. I really hope your efforts are rewarded and, don't be really hard on yourself if you have the odd bad day or regression. It's bound to be a mix of progress and falling back.

thank you! i am trying to be realistic yea, i have if anything undervalued what i want/am for a while i never was an unrealistic as in i wanted more than i could get person. i hope they are too.

thank you! i will try not to be hard on myself i do definitely struggle with knowing how far to go in being honest with myself like when something goes wrong and its my fault i still am pretty bad with not taking too far and hating myself or being overly upset with myself instead of learning from it and analysing. i will try not to be though.

"It's bound to be a mix of progress and falling back." thank you for saying this! that is another thing im worried about honestly i really hope i can get it in my head that there will be fails and setbacks and that its okay and normal and that i shouldnt throw everything away just because of that. i will try, i really want to get better.

hopefully next post you see from me will be back in recovery section. i can only hope and try.