I'm a stranger in my own family and I have no friends. I feel like I'm on the passenger seat in my own life. I get so caught up thinking about the future or the past, and procrastinating, that I can't actually concentrate or move on with things and be productive, because deep down I'm afraid to even try. I overthink about everything. Any attention I get I confuse it for love and being cared for, but in the end it never works out. I never feel worthy of love and I constantly self sabotage myself. I only ever got validation and reassurance through academic results, my only achievement in life has been getting a degree in a field I am not passionate about. I wish I pursued arts, I wish I wrote poetry, I wish I played the guitar but I am not good in any of those. I should have killed myself right after graduating but I was in a relationship at that time.
I have good support around me, in fact I can't blame anyone but myself for the way I am today. My parents were strict but I never lacked anything as a child. Except love, my father showed love through fear. I was always scared of him as a child, I don't even know why. He always felt so imposing. I had a completely different life outside of home. No matter how good I did academically, I was never good enough. I wasn't religious, I wasn't listening to his orders. My mother was and still is very loving but she had effectively no power in our family. I wish I treated her better. I have no relationship with my brother, we just exist in each others life. I wish I could hug him and tell him how proud I am of him.
Every week I go to my psychologist appointment and lie. Actually I don't really lie, I just never tell her the truth. There is something that would make me want to live. I want to feel loved, the same way I felt loved and cared for by a girl that is no longer in my life. I don't think I love her anymore, yet I find myself looking for her in every person that shows me any affection.
I am tired of writing now.
I wish I could just end this misery. I am tired of living, I am really tired. I don't want to wake up anymore.
I have good support around me, in fact I can't blame anyone but myself for the way I am today. My parents were strict but I never lacked anything as a child. Except love, my father showed love through fear. I was always scared of him as a child, I don't even know why. He always felt so imposing. I had a completely different life outside of home. No matter how good I did academically, I was never good enough. I wasn't religious, I wasn't listening to his orders. My mother was and still is very loving but she had effectively no power in our family. I wish I treated her better. I have no relationship with my brother, we just exist in each others life. I wish I could hug him and tell him how proud I am of him.
Every week I go to my psychologist appointment and lie. Actually I don't really lie, I just never tell her the truth. There is something that would make me want to live. I want to feel loved, the same way I felt loved and cared for by a girl that is no longer in my life. I don't think I love her anymore, yet I find myself looking for her in every person that shows me any affection.
I am tired of writing now.
I wish I could just end this misery. I am tired of living, I am really tired. I don't want to wake up anymore.
