I might have given up depression to be a narcissist

[Housefly]

Warning: major delulu solulu

Life updates and personal discoveries as I navigate being someone who suffers. I haven't been depressed for a while but I have channeled my mania into cdramas (I'm literally obsessed, don't send help).

Specifically in the area of purpose and what that means for me. As it stands I don't have any large goal that I'm working towards, never have and I thought I was deficient as a human and worthless as a society member.

Turns out I am those things but now I've discovered adaptive narcissism. Except for me it's a hybrid type of narc where I am the main character entitled to all the good in the world yet not doing egregious things to get it... kind of.

I've realized that I always felt entitled deep down even if I didn't say it. I do deserve to be happy if not comfortable. No I will not do anything I don't want to do even if that means inconveniencing others.
I noticed this about myself for a while now that I can't be forced to do anything. I literally won't do it even if it's beneficial to me in the long run, if I don't want to do it now I just will not do it. Won't engage with it, won't think about it. Very rarely I was demanded to do something in didn't want to do and I did it so shittily I was actually proud of myself.

Very few people "owe me" in this life and I will squeeze that for everything it's worth. My parents, chill dudes. They owe me everything. Down to their bleeding hearts, if I want their eyeballs I should have it because they owe me. This is the path they chose as parents. And I think that's just so cool that I can demand everything from them, and the most they should expect from me is a smile of satisfaction. Obviously I'm being hyperbolic in my "eyeballs". Even if I don't actually get it, it's mine to have and me not taking it is an act of benevolence on my part. Delusional? Absolutely. Wrong? Nope.

At the same time, I have no allegiance to them. Or anyone. I owe nobody anything, if the well dries up I will leave. I can see how selfish and grimy this behavior is, I would hate this person and I do but it is what it is. I didn't choose this life, the game is rigged and at the end of the day everyone is trying to get to the same goal as me. The method might be different but as long as I'm within the law I'm down to make myself EXTREMELY comfortable.

Is this the grandiose part of the narcissism? I don't really think that highly of myself, in fact I'm quite average in my suckyness.

... after writing all this I might just be a shameless narac. I thought it was a personal joke. What a way to find out lol. Anyway, this works for me.

After my parents pass I will revisit the suicide topic because by then I will have nobody to owe me boohoo. Anyway this was eye slantening, quite the side eye adventure.

I'm a bad person, don't be like me. Go find actual purpose, this only works for me because I don't really want anything and I don't take up much resources. I live in a prison of my own making and I'm very comfortable - outside is scary - doom and gloom - blah blah. Bye

 

[prettysurethistime]

I can't say much else other than I'm where you are. Oscillating between being owed something and wanting to be the person in your last paragraph. But my prison is an icy fortress and would take too much energy to knock down.

I don't really want it to be this way but when you spend your adult life believing you're unreliable, irresponsible and clearly a bad violent person, after being forced to accept a criminal caution for assault after being assaulted by police officers and it ruining any chance of being the useful person I'd like to be, because I'll always have to talk about this crime I was manipulated into taking responsibility for, that didn't actually happen. It means, on paper, I'm not allowed to adopt or get a job working with children or vulnerable adults. I've never worked because of it. I'm still with my partner, whose behaviour and emotions were the catalyst for the entire days events, who has refused to ever try and get help for it. And I don't want to be.


I don't think I'll get to be able to wait until my parents have passed.