I killed my mum today

[hadenough]

My mum was elderly (91) and disabled with a low immunity. I had a cold last week so I stayed away because she had been hospitalised before with the slightest illness/virus. My sisters had been getting her dinner because she couldn't make it herself, but last Tuesday there was no one to cook for her, or should i say my sister couldn't come up until a bit later, so mum called me to see if i was ok. i was home alone and bored so instead of letting my sister come up later i came to make her dinner. over the last weekend she said she felt a bit unwell so i guess she caught my cold. this morning my sister called her and she said she was having difficulty breathing. later my brother called but couldn't get an answer. she was dead all because i infected her with my cold and she couldn't cope. that's what killed her, my fucking virus i gave to her because i was selfish alone and bored. i joined this site about 8 years ago but didn't cbt because it would have killed my mum, but hey now i've killed her with my vile bugs and there's nothing stopping me now. i don't even know why i'm posting this because i know people on this site are kind and will offer me comfort and say it wasn't my fault, but it was, i know it was. i don't want to be comforted and don't deserve it for what i've done, i guess i just wanted to vent and in some way explain why i'm gonna do what i have to do. that's all, thanks for listening, mr useless selfish shit is saying goodbye

 

[joegoes100]

I don't care what you say at all it is factually not your fault. Your mother had an already weakened immune system and it's currently winter. It was nearly inevitable. I know you wished to not be comforted but it is factually not your fault, anyone who went near her sick or not could've gave her something. I am here for you if you need to talk.

 

[haihaihai]

i know your mind is already made up, but you weren't trying to kill her, you didn't choose to get sick yourself. i hope you can find peace knowing your mother isn't suffering anymore.

 

[NPC45]

I'm really sorry for your loss. And I know it might mean nothing, but maybe you were meant to see your mum before she passed? You didn't kill her. But you did get to see her.

 

[dewasrite]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that an already difficult event is made harder to deal with when all that guilt is added. As others have pointed out, it is not your fault. Weak immunity, age, winter… you had an opportunity to spend some time with her and make her a meal. She called you and you were there for her. I feel like that is the important bit.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

So very sorry for your loss..... You didn't kill your mum

 

[madwoman]

I'm sorry for your loss and agree with all that was already said - it's not your fault. It's also natural to think it is - the guilt is hard but a couple things - what a beautiful thing you were there for her, that you spent time with her before - I think we'd all want that before we go, I know I wish I would. Also, I've blamed myself for both my parents death, my mom committed suicide and before she did I was terrible to her, & I wasn't there helping my dad with his cancer like I should have been. So I hold all of that guilt too and will need to make peace with it. I'm sorry for your loss, you aren't alone in your grief and guilt

 

[fuzzypeach]

you did not kill her, i hope you can find peace

 

[Seneca65AD]

Your guilt is completely understandable but, excuse my directness, completely misdirected. Elderly with compromised immune systems can die from any myriad of virus or bacteria. Compare the number of elderly dying in winter to those passing in summer - the difference is staggering.

It is almost impossible to attribute your mother's death to your illness. Secondly, you have to trace back when you caught the cold and then compare your contagious period to your mom's presumed incubation period. One of my staff lost her mom and dad to assumed COVID while they were both in senior care and subject to the usual preventative measures (i.e. masking, gowns, extra sterilization procedures, etc). Even when the authorities investigated why so many residents were dying in that particular home, nothing was ever found. All policies were followed and still the elderly died. Cause of death on the Death Certificates? Natural causes.

Thirdly, if your brother and sisters were so concerned about your mother's well being, they would have taken steps to ensure your mom did not have to reach out to you to get fed in a timely manner - assuming they are blaming you at all. For me, the age of 91 is not as important as the fact she could not make her own meals - that demonstrates more than just a compromised immune system. Perhaps your brother and sisters should have considered more formalized home-care. Look, I have no idea of your mom's personal circumstances, I am just throwing out various considerations to demonstrate you had zero to do with your mom's death.

Nothing I say will ease your guilt but the fact your mom reached out to you demonstrated the high-esteem in which she held you. I truly hope you can be at peace with what happened.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you don't want to accept it but- you didn't purposefully kill her. She presumably knew you were still poorly. She was an adult and made the choice to see you because she wanted to. Not to sound callous but I imagine at that age, she could have passed away the night before. You could even have been in the early stages of having a cold and unknowingly passed it on. We're so vulnerable to things- especially as we age. But, we all make choices all the time. You tried to shield her as much as you could but ultimately- I'm sure she wanted to see you too.

 

[fadedghost]

My mum was elderly (91) and disabled with a low immunity. I had a cold last week so I stayed away because she had been hospitalised before with the slightest illness/virus. My sisters had been getting her dinner because she couldn't make it herself, but last Tuesday there was no one to cook for her, or should i say my sister couldn't come up until a bit later, so mum called me to see if i was ok. i was home alone and bored so instead of letting my sister come up later i came to make her dinner. over the last weekend she said she felt a bit unwell so i guess she caught my cold. this morning my sister called her and she said she was having difficulty breathing. later my brother called but couldn't get an answer. she was dead all because i infected her with my cold and she couldn't cope. that's what killed her, my fucking virus i gave to her because i was selfish alone and bored. i joined this site about 8 years ago but didn't cbt because it would have killed my mum, but hey now i've killed her with my vile bugs and there's nothing stopping me now. i don't even know why i'm posting this because i know people on this site are kind and will offer me comfort and say it wasn't my fault, but it was, i know it was. i don't want to be comforted and don't deserve it for what i've done, i guess i just wanted to vent and in some way explain why i'm gonna do what i have to do. that's all, thanks for listening, mr useless selfish shit is saying goodbye

you absolutely don't know if this is true

she could have gotten the cold from someone else

i recently almost saw a relative of mine, but had to cancel. had i seen them, i would have traveled first.

the relative ended up getting very sick from a cold and ended up in the hospital

had i gone and seen the person, and they had gotten sick and ended up in the hospital after I had traveled, i absolutely would have thought it was my fault and I had given it to them... even though they were destined to get the cold some other way.

people can get colds from packages of food that have been touched by other people in the supermarket, people can get colds from mail that they receive, people can get colds from packages, sometimes others have asymptomatic infections and she could have gotten it from a different family member. it's possible she got it from you, but entirely possible she didn't. you can't know for sure.

if you want to ctb, it's your choice, but i don't think you can say that it was your cold, and she was also very old and if this recent infection hadn't gotten her, another might have soon after. she was lucky to have a child who cared about her.

 

[hadenough]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I really do appreciate it, and I don't want to appear ungrateful, but it really was my fault. I also found out today that someone else may also be to blame. My mum had a defibrillator fitted and the paramedics who came said they thought she died of a heart attack but that the defibrillator wasn't working. Several months ago she was in hospital and a doctor said he wanted to turn the defibrillator of, saying "you've had a good innings" - C**T. I told them that I did not give consent for this and I would come down on him like a ton of bricks if he did turn it off. I'm waiting for the cause of death to be released and then I am going to request her medical records from the hospital. If it says he did turn it off I am going to do everything I can to get him struck off before I go. I'll take someone with me. Reminds me of that old joke - "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad, not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus."

 

[hearthewind]

I think beyond a certain age, death is something like a blessing to most. Your mother is in a better place now.

 

[bluebus]

I am so sorry. Your mom was able to see you before she passed. For all anyone knows, she would have gotten sick regardless. I am sure she was at peace knowing that she was able to see you. She is in a better place. I hope you can find peace.

 

[rs929]

I am sorry for your loss.
It was obviously not your fault.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost a parent, and I know how painful it is. A lot of people have said this. You might not believe this right now but I hope you believe it one day. This is not your fault. Your mother was very elderly. She had a compromised immune system. It sounds like you really loved your mother, and that tells me she likely loved you too. She probably wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. She would want you to grieve her (it's only human) and then to live a happy life.

 

[february flyer]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It isn't your fault and I doubt she would blame you for it. She must've been happy to see you before she passed.

I hope if they do find that the doctor did turn off the defibrillator, the courts rule in your favor. Good luck and may your mother rest in peace.

 

[xlostie]

No matter how she passed, you would probably feel guilt. Most people do when they lose someone they love. If it hadn't been this, your mind would have found something else — not spending enough time, not being a better son/daughter, something you wish you'd done differently.
Please give yourself time before making any big decisions. When my mom died, for the first couple of weeks I blamed myself over something that, looking back, had nothing to do with her death. She had cancer, but my brain kept going to "what if I had done something differently?"
I think that's what grief does, it makes us desperate for a different outcome, so we search for reasons and blame ourselves, even when it isn't fair or true.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, well, that sucks. As much as this is vaguely relatable, sorry G-d piled that on.

Unfortunately I have a vague level of understanding that the implantable defibrillators can be like a kick in the chest, or with the first generations of hardware an unending series of kicks to the chest as might not be the most pleasant final experience.. so best of luck sorting that mess out, whether the hardware was still effective, whether there was informed consent, and whether the hardware had an 'okay, try once or twice but don't make it an unending series of spasms' mode that went unused or if it was the unfortunate older all or nothing type.

Anyway, just keeping it real, and that sense of 'maybe it was inevitable but sure dragged into feeling responsible for the inevitability' .. hopefully it did come in on the mail or something and it's just one of those awful things.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

WIth all my fiber and being, I don't think you killed your mom.

On the other hand, I know I killed my mom, at least sped up her death, because I was "forced" to give her medications, VERY powerful medications, contained within the Hospice "stat pack", that were kept in her house and were to be used (for pain relief ) when her situation started getting "bad".

 

[floatingair]

I'll tell you this.

Your mom is in a better place. You think she was enjoying her existence here? Even old, her mind is still like a 20 year old.

I think this world is a dream (there are many things that have led to me being sure of this). You could say, your mom's spirit or awareness or consciousness is in another dream, having fun. She could be doing whatever. Reality is infinite.

You are not your body, your the consciousness/awareness. Your siblings also have an awareness. I would keep on living for a couple months and maybe consider if you want to CTB then. It would definitely be very hard on them to lose you both.

Either way, everything will be fine.