Starfire
just here to vent
- Nov 3, 2020
- 34
Seriously, i don't think I will ever get better. Especially now that I'm living with this constant guilt for messing up my life and everyone else's. I do stupid things. I make stupid decisions I know I'm not supposed to. I've messed up a lot of great friendships. I have been a burden to my family for as long as I can remember.
But it's ironic, they have made fair enough contribution to where I am right now. And now they try to pull me out of this grave I try to hand-dig myself, not knowing that they were the ones who once handed me the shovel. I dont really need that now. I hate them all equivalently, but I also love them too much to throw off the shovel and relieve them of the responsibility, at least.
They were the ones who gave me the head-start and part of me wants to blame everything on them. But also part of me wouldn't want them to live with the guilt all their life. I guess it's all part of this constant manics and lows.
My hand nails have been evidently showing, literally and metaphorically, the effects of this grave-hand-digging. But I think there's no stopping anytime soon.
I guess I'm back to giving up on happiness again. You have to know that not all things that hurt you now can really bring something good later, like how good things you experience now will ever bounce with such negativity after awhile.
So here I am. Once again saying that one's life isn't your responsibility if you can't save it. It'll never be your fault they chose that way.
I refuse to blame them. I've given up to. I have messed up my own life.
But it's ironic, they have made fair enough contribution to where I am right now. And now they try to pull me out of this grave I try to hand-dig myself, not knowing that they were the ones who once handed me the shovel. I dont really need that now. I hate them all equivalently, but I also love them too much to throw off the shovel and relieve them of the responsibility, at least.
They were the ones who gave me the head-start and part of me wants to blame everything on them. But also part of me wouldn't want them to live with the guilt all their life. I guess it's all part of this constant manics and lows.
My hand nails have been evidently showing, literally and metaphorically, the effects of this grave-hand-digging. But I think there's no stopping anytime soon.
I guess I'm back to giving up on happiness again. You have to know that not all things that hurt you now can really bring something good later, like how good things you experience now will ever bounce with such negativity after awhile.
So here I am. Once again saying that one's life isn't your responsibility if you can't save it. It'll never be your fault they chose that way.
I refuse to blame them. I've given up to. I have messed up my own life.
Last edited:
