Venting I just cant

[xeno112007]

My father think I am lazy. I am lazy but he thinks its intentional like I really want to waste my parent's money and I really want to just be a parasite by sucking thier blood. They wont understand me. I want to die soon because I cant handle the hurt I am giving to father and hurt I am getting. He thinks just scolding and humiliating me will make me better but it wont. it arent gonna work I didnt become disciplined for these days so I wont now. There maybe a chance I will be changed but it arent worth the suffering I may get by becoming a parasite, a undisciplined creature So I better die. My father thinks that I am seeking pleasure but its not I would scold myself with bad shurls in my mind so I can be disciplined but it didnt work. My father thinks I am just someone who loves themself and dont want to hurt themself and even at being productive they care for themself like they dont want to do something they hate but in reality I just cant do it. So I decided to ctb but I fear what if his strictness continue and I maybe unable to come here and unable to ctb soon. Of course this strict discipline method will fail because I am undisciplined afterall. I didnt become disciplined and consistent still now and wont ever. Because even if my dad push it still needs my effort and dad wont support everytime so this is useless since there will be still suffering even though its slightly less by my parents parents constant humiliation by which I may work its still isnt much to consider so the suffering is same so I better die which is correct option here and option I want. I wish my parents just accept my ctb and just allow and support if not help.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey. I've seen you post often these days and saying you were planning to die real soon, but I'm a bit loss on your exact motives or situation sorry... I don't think I read it.
However just from this I'd like to say that I share those feelings of guilt and shame over the lack of discipline, perceived laziness, feeling like hopeless leech that will forever remain that way, so might as well die before it gets too out of hand. Been feeling like that for 5+ years now, so I didn't really follow through those thoughts, didn't die, but got quite close some times.

One thing that helped me a bit was realising that discipline, and specially motivation, aren't intrinsic things you must or should have just like that. You cannot brute force them. And that if you are suicidally depressed, there is only so much you can ask of yourself. You kinda have to accept that.
You can't think of yourself as both perfectly Ok, capable, with a duty and must of being disciplined, and also irreparably broken to a point that's never going to happen, and so you should die. It's a no win scenario, and a perception of the situation that can only take you down if you keep following it. And I get the urge to do so... but still. You end up caught in cycles.

Like I said I don't know your situation, sorry about your dad and the stress he's clearly inflicting on you and the lack of understanding. I hope you get some easier days your way for the time being and that you can refocus your attention elsewhere than just the strict trying to "get disciplined", cos that not a way out viable for you now and you can see that, but I think you could also look elsewhere other than death. In any case big hugs to you <3

 

[xeno112007]

Hey. I've seen you post often these days and saying you were planning to die real soon, but I'm a bit loss on your exact motives or situation sorry... I don't think I read it.
However just from this I'd like to say that I share those feelings of guilt and shame over the lack of discipline, perceived laziness, feeling like hopeless leech that will forever remain that way, so might as well die before it gets too out of hand. Been feeling like that for 5+ years now, so I didn't really follow through those thoughts, didn't die, but got quite close some times.

One thing that helped me a bit was realising that discipline, and specially motivation, aren't intrinsic things you must or should have just like that. You cannot brute force them. And that if you are suicidally depressed, there is only so much you can ask of yourself. You kinda have to accept that.
You can't think of yourself as both perfectly Ok, capable, with a duty and must of being disciplined, and also irreparably broken to a point that's never going to happen, and so you should die. It's a no win scenario, and a perception of the situation that can only take you down if you keep following it. And I get the urge to do so... but still. You end up caught in cycles.

Like I said I don't know your situation, sorry about your dad and the stress he's clearly inflicting on you and the lack of understanding. I hope you get some easier days your way for the time being and that you can refocus your attention elsewhere than just the strict trying to "get disciplined", cos that not a way out viable for you now and you can see that, but I think you could also look elsewhere other than death. In any case big hugs to you <3

Nah its just cant.Many are disciplined but I am not and even if it is something that cant be forced then its just ok for me to die since its inevitable that I will suffer if its not under people control I will just die. Because both case I wont be disciplined and cant have good life is a possibility a high possibility so I will just die which isnt worth the positive thing that may happen. thanks for caring though.

 

[getoutgirl]

When I say you can't force it I don't mean it's out of people's control. Just that I think you currently have a narrow and overly focused view on discipline, probably forced by your family's expectation, which I get, and you are also suicidally depressed and pretty set on following that slide to the bottom. All I'm saying is that even if it seems that binary, death either way, discipline no discipline, a bit of perspective could be of some help to you rn. And just help in general. Don't know how you feel about that hopelessness aside, but that's what I think. hugs again <3

 

[xeno112007]

When I say you can force it I don't mean it's out of people's control. Just that I think you currently have a narrow and overly focused view on discipline, probably forced by your family's expectation, which I get, and you are also suicidally depressed and pretty set on following that slide to the bottom. All I'm saying is that even if it seems that binary, death either way, discipline no discipline, a bit of perspective could be of some help to you rn. And just help in general. Don't know how you feel about that hopelessness aside, but that's what I think. hugs again <3

Oh I understand you ask me to not focus on discipline right but its not simple what you are telling me is to ignore pain and its hard to do it which requires discipline so its also not possible. Which comes to the first problem of not having discipline and that leads to death.thanks.hugs.

 

[getoutgirl]

Oook. You are very focused on discipline indeed. Which is not a bad thing I've also gone through that and you end up on these mindloops. Sorry if I'm annoying keeping up with this, but if you are gonna kill yourself in a couple days because of this, that'd be a shame, so might as well try some help.
Also I'm not telling you to ignore pain, I didn't say that. Nor do I think that's posible just like that, I wouldn't ask that.

I also struggle with discipline and motivation, cos I'm fking suicidal so every odd week I feel there is little point in anything, and so I can't focus much on long term goals. Dropped out of uni cos I couldn't keep up while I was dealing with this. Yadda yadda.
What I learned is that in order to get discipline, even the slightest, you can't start off at discipline.
The fact you are trying and failing at it means there is something else that's not right, and you should focus on that first. Cos discipline is not just like a muscle, or a thing you have or don't have, it requires other things for it to grow out of. You need a healthy mind, goals, a mind open to the posibility of improvement. It's a sum of parts that allows it. If you keep thinking of it as this simplistic one big unobtainable thing, separate from all the rest of elements in your mind and perception, you are dying. And you'd be dying while being wrong. which sucks. You need a more holistic view of it if you want to get out of that loop, focus more on the parts.

Now I'm the last person to get advice from in that, since like I said I really suck at it.
But I think one of your starting problems is you being really closed minded about the posibility of ever finding some goals and motivations, chasing them, developing a healthier mindset and learning some discipline while it. You seem really closed as a starters to that idea even.
I sincerely doubt your mind at 18 will remain the same forever. You might feel that, cos that's the only mind you have and it's what it's telling you. And I don't think it's something you can change like a switch in a moment, it'd take time. but still, you've got a huge room for improvement you are not even aware of, if you adjust your perspective about it, which starts by being open to that posibility.

I think I'm ranting at this point, wrote way too much, don't know if it'd be of any help.
If I can recommend something quite accesible, HealthyGamerGG has great videos on how discipline works. Here is one

Spoiler: video

Maybe that helps you break your idea of it.
I won't bother further. If these are really your last days on earth, might as well check it out. Like I said I really feel your pain, don't want to minimize it, but it still would be a shame if you died over this. whatever you do take it easy with yourself these days <3

 

[xeno112007]

Oook. You are very focused on discipline indeed. Which is not a bad thing I've also gone through that and you end up on these mindloops. Sorry if I'm annoying keeping up with this, but if you are gonna kill yourself in a couple days because of this, that'd be a shame, so might as well try some help.
Also I'm not telling you to ignore pain, I didn't say that. Nor do I think that's posible just like that, I wouldn't ask that.

I also struggle with discipline and motivation, cos I'm fking suicidal so every odd week I feel there is little point in anything, and so I can't focus much on long term goals. Dropped out of uni cos I couldn't keep up while I was dealing with this. Yadda yadda.
What I learned is that in order to get discipline, even the slightest, you can't start off at discipline.
The fact you are trying and failing at it means there is something else that's not right, and you should focus on that first. Cos discipline is not just like a muscle, or a thing you have or don't have, it requires other things for it to grow out of. You need a healthy mind, goals, a mind open to the posibility of improvement. It's a sum of parts that allows it. If you keep thinking of it as this simplistic one big unobtainable thing, separate from all the rest of elements in your mind and perception, you are dying. And you'd be dying while being wrong. which sucks. You need a more holistic view of it if you want to get out of that loop, focus more on the parts.

Now I'm the last person to get advice from in that, since like I said I really suck at it.
But I think one of your starting problems is you being really closed minded about the posibility of ever finding some goals and motivations, chasing them, developing a healthier mindset and learning some discipline while it. You seem really closed as a starters to that idea even.
I sincerely doubt your mind at 18 will remain the same forever. You might feel that, cos that's the only mind you have and it's what it's telling you. And I don't think it's something you can change like a switch in a moment, it'd take time. but still, you've got a huge room for improvement you are not even aware of, if you adjust your perspective about it, which starts by being open to that posibility.

I think I'm ranting at this point, wrote way too much, don't know if it'd be of any help.
If I can recommend something quite accesible, HealthyGamerGG has great videos on how discipline works. Here is one

Spoiler: video

Maybe that helps you break your idea of it.
I won't bother further. If these are really your last days on earth, might as well check it out. Like I said I really feel your pain, don't want to minimize it, but it still would be a shame if you died over this. whatever you do take it easy with yourself these days <3

thanks but pls understand my perspective. You think I have high chance of becoming disciplined. But it never changed till now how can I believe it may have probability of changing suddenly when I am same for years. thanks. Also I tried getting help by reading Atmoic habits,power of habits, cant hurt me and podcasts like andrew huberman about will power and tenacity. Then lot of self improvement which never worked. I once start a method for discipline and then give up in few weeks.