I just can't do this alone.

[Eternal Disaster]

I cannot do this alone. I want someone to decide a method for me and just kill me if I fail. Yes, I cannot make decisions, I am scared to decide a method. All the decisions I have made till now they have gone horribly wrong. I feel so small in the case of CTB. So much to learn, so much to practice but without a mentor. Man I want someone to be with me as I die. If I think about hanging I can't find the perfect anchor. If I want to order something it can't get inside the campus without being checked. I don't have the courage to jump. I don't have a water body to drown otherwise I would have done it. I feel like crying but I cannot.

I cannot bear this torture anymore. The burden of this cursed existence is increasing. This shit is exhausting and I am feeling hopeless. This existence is truly a curse. I don't want to be alone during this entire process. It's just hopelessness everywhere in every thing just hopelessness. The future is horrible I don't want to see it and this present is suffocating. I am so much overwhelmed I cannot even breath properly. Everyday I live is another torture. I cannot kill myself all alone. I want my mom to come and take me wherever she is.

I want to look for a CTB partner but I am scared what if the person is wrong. And why should I not be scared when my entire life has been a suffering, when I have always been surrounded by these snakes and scorpions wearing a human mask.I am dying from inside but this fucking body is still here. Why am I so much dependent? I want to do this but not alone.

I feel so awful this feeling is unexplainable. I just can't take this all anymore.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

There's plenty of megathreads on this website with different methods. There's also a list of things to definitely not try. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I truly hope things get better for you. Sending hugs! I also kind of want someone to do it with, but I'm in Australia so I don't think many are.

 

[EternalShore]

Unfortunately for you, this place is pro-choice, not pro-sewer slide, so we are unable to tell or coerce you to do anything~ There's plenty of resources of what one can do or not do on this website, if you have the time to sift through them and choose something~ :)

I'm very sorry for how this world is treated you~ :( It is truly so cruel~ >_< It gives you a spark of hope just to crush it again and again~ >_< and as you described, yes, people are so untrustworthy and selfish here, just like snakes and scorpions~ >_< A partner could be reassuring in a dark time like that, but you have to really, really trust them beforehand as there have been some pretty bad things that have happened through systems like that! :(
I wish things could get better for you~ >_<

but I'm in Australia so I don't think many are.

there are quite a lot of members from Australia here~ :) altho, yes, much less than the US, and I understand that it is far more regulatory in regards to all this stuff there too~ >_<

 

[Nightfoot]

Suggesting specific methods is against the rules, but there are a number of resources devoted to methods you can read.

 

[kunikuzushi]

This existence really is cursed, and now we're trying to figure out how to die to find relief, to escape. It doesn't make sense. It really is unbearable. I relate to not being able to make decisions about ctb and not wanting to be alone in the process. I'm sorry you feel so hopeless about it all while you're suffering so much. I hope you can take the time to look at the resources here, and remember that we'll be here with you.