Story I just booked a driving-lesson when I will probably be killing myself in late 2023/early 2024

[ChildrensITV]

I haven't showered in a week. At one point, I thought I was mending somewhat - not back to my childhood happiness, but back to being able to shower. That was wrong. So to try to get me into barely functioning, as opposed to bedridden, I booked some driving-lessons. Thank goodness I have savings. Too bad they are depleting. So I just booked some. And I will be trying to shower to today - my face is literally crusting over from grease - and then I will go to the gym.

I remarked on this on this website a few days ago: "it's weird to be doing certain things when you're suicidal". A replier hit the nail on the head: "it's because you don't know if you're going or not".

It's weird. I could get to my 10th driving-lesson, pass the practical test, but then realize there is nothing else keeping me here - no mental health, no job, no girlfriend, no money to buy a car even, no home, no hair, no looks, no youth - Nothing - and then still CTB. But at least I would have tried right up until the end.

 

[Larysa]

I think it's admirable to keep trying up until the (possible) end.

 

[juxtajuno]

at least you're trying! even if things don't work out in the end it'll still be nice to go out knowing you gave it your all. at least, that's how i think of it.

 

[ChildrensITV]

thanks @juxtajuno @Larysa

 

[SVEN]

Got to put in the time between now and whenever one way or another. Why not try to make the effort to pretend to make a go of things even if you change your mind at some indefinite point in the future.