16thsatirist
predisposition? kinda silly
- May 31, 2025
- 30
i barely remember anything good from my life, or anything bad.
i don't remember much of anything, honestly. a few core memories, but it strains me to try and think of them. i don't remember anything from my ex, i don't remember my childhood, i can barely even think about who i am as a person. and honestly? i prefer it that way.
when i do ctb, i don't think i'd like to leave peacefully. i struggled through my whole life, i struggle every single day, and i may continue to in the future. i want to go in pain, i want every single part of my body aching and screaming, every nerve pinched, every muscle cramping, every sore bleeding. i don't want the experience that i had to feel like it amounted to nothing, i want to feel that final struggle before it all stops.
realistically, maybe being in peace may be nice, but i want a reminder of why i'm doing this in the first place, and i want it shoved in my face. if i just go peacefully, it'll feel like i just let what i worked so hard in the past to avoid take me with no struggle at all.
as someone who wants to ctb, i wish i didn't have to. i wish i didn't want to. but i do, and treatment resistance is the worst feeling i've felt in a while.
maybe this is just my own weird worldview, but i hope someone can somewhat relate.
i don't remember much of anything, honestly. a few core memories, but it strains me to try and think of them. i don't remember anything from my ex, i don't remember my childhood, i can barely even think about who i am as a person. and honestly? i prefer it that way.
when i do ctb, i don't think i'd like to leave peacefully. i struggled through my whole life, i struggle every single day, and i may continue to in the future. i want to go in pain, i want every single part of my body aching and screaming, every nerve pinched, every muscle cramping, every sore bleeding. i don't want the experience that i had to feel like it amounted to nothing, i want to feel that final struggle before it all stops.
realistically, maybe being in peace may be nice, but i want a reminder of why i'm doing this in the first place, and i want it shoved in my face. if i just go peacefully, it'll feel like i just let what i worked so hard in the past to avoid take me with no struggle at all.
as someone who wants to ctb, i wish i didn't have to. i wish i didn't want to. but i do, and treatment resistance is the worst feeling i've felt in a while.
maybe this is just my own weird worldview, but i hope someone can somewhat relate.
