Venting I have a suicide pact with my boyfriend but I hope he never goes through with his part

[cececinderella]

So, my boyfriend and I have had a suicide pact ever since we were first friends, about a year or so into our friendship. We were both suicidal, and his ideation became less of a worry after we got together. Initially, in the beginning, I hoped that if I CTB, that he would too, just like we promised. Now, 2 years later, I want him to live. For the most part. If he doesn't want to, then I doubt that's something I can change on my own, and I won't make him change his mind if it's what he truly wants. If I CTB, I don't want him following me unless he wholeheartedly has thought about it and wants to go through with it. However, after multiple honest conversations, I think that if I successfully CTB, he will too, regardless of what is happening in his life and if he's even genuinely suicidal or not. Just like we promised.
I'm scared to actually tell him that if I CTB that I don't want him going with me unless he truly wants to and it's not just an emotional moment in the process of mourning. I don't know what to expect if I do tell him. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Ariii]

I think you should talk to him, Especially after a two year time period. I think how you worded it is pretty decent already, that you only want him following if that's what he wholeheartedly agrees on, but if he has any doubts, to not rely on the pact for the ultimate decision. Best of luck to the two of you!!