Venting I hate this feeling

[Ilovemycats]

I love my father, I really do. But at the same time it's just confusing- One moment he is laughing with me and my mom being silly and making jokes, and the other he is having a argument with my mom- Their relationship is so fucking bipolar it makes me insane at times. He made it also cristal clear that he doesn't support/care about me going to therapy, he thinks that i'm just faking it or that it isn't that serious at all.

When I heard it for the first time I was reasonably upset, but honestly I've accepted the fact that he won't ever care about it. But it brings me to an other problem-

My philosophy teacher..- I can't deny that I've been seeing him more and more as a father figure. It's stupid because i'm not even sure that he'll ever care about me on that type of level- But he actually cares, he even gave me advice based on his personal experience and told me to contact him when i'm about to ctb. He even teared up, which seemed so alien to me because why would he of all people care about me dying or living..

I've been wanting to talk with him more often, but i'm too much of a coward to ask, sometimes I linger around the school for a moment to catch him alone and talk to him which usually end up with me ultimately going home because he is busy or my friends get in the way, and to be honest i'm too embarrassed to admit to my friends that I want to speak with him alone. I can't help but feel like i'm bothering him as well, like it's not his job to entertain conversations with mentally ill students- And he probably wants to go home as soon as possible.. (i can't stop feeling that way even when he reassured me that it's fine..)

I kinda hate feeling this way because I do have a real father who partly cares about me.. And I fear making my teacher uncomfortable when I do admit having such perspective on him..

I have no idea what to do about this to be honest, I've been even avoiding him as much as possible but it doesn't work so I kinda gave up on that..
。・゜゜(ノД`)

 

[nopurposeinanything]

I love my father, I really do. But at the same time it's just confusing- One moment he is laughing with me and my mom being silly and making jokes, and the other he is having a argument with my mom- Their relationship is so fucking bipolar it makes me insane at times. He made it also cristal clear that he doesn't support/care about me going to therapy, he thinks that i'm just faking it or that it isn't that serious at all.

When I heard it for the first time I was reasonably upset, but honestly I've accepted the fact that he won't ever care about it. But it brings me to an other problem-

My philosophy teacher..- I can't deny that I've been seeing him more and more as a father figure. It's stupid because i'm not even sure that he'll ever care about me on that type of level- But he actually cares, he even gave me advice based on his personal experience and told me to contact him when i'm about to ctb. He even teared up, which seemed so alien to me because why would he of all people care about me dying or living..

I've been wanting to talk with him more often, but i'm too much of a coward to ask, sometimes I linger around the school for a moment to catch him alone and talk to him which usually end up with me ultimately going home because he is busy or my friends get in the way, and to be honest i'm too embarrassed to admit to my friends that I want to speak with him alone. I can't help but feel like i'm bothering him as well, like it's not his job to entertain conversations with mentally ill students- And he probably wants to go home as soon as possible.. (i can't stop feeling that way even when he reassured me that it's fine..)

I kinda hate feeling this way because I do have a real father who partly cares about me.. And I fear making my teacher uncomfortable when I do admit having such perspective on him..

I have no idea what to do about this to be honest, I've been even avoiding him as much as possible but it doesn't work so I kinda gave up on that..
。・゜゜(ノД`)

off topic, but stormbringer pfp. and i wish the best for you

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's understandable you would feel like this about someone who has shown you compassion. My Mum died in my childhood so, I've had quite a few mother figures in life. A few were teachers.

I think, if he's offered- he likely does mean it- that you can approach him with problems. It sounds as if you're already being cautious about it- which seems sensible. To not overburden him or become dependent on him.

But, if you think it might help- why not try? You could ask him whether it would be ok to talk to him at some point and, when would be the most convenient so that you ensure it isn't disturbing him.

It's not always disloyalty if our parents can't really understand or support us to seek it elsewhere- I feel. My Dad doesn't have much time for mental illness or therapy. It was a friend's Mum who urged me to give it a try- because, she could see the mess I was in. It's disappointing when our parents don't see it or, downplay it but- it's just how it is sometimes. I think it's good you're taking the initiative to try to make things better. Asking for a bit of help is a good step. I hope it helps.