I hate having bad thoughts about other people

[wildflowers1996]

I have really bad body dysmorphic disorder.

I hate the way I look so much.

My flaws are not imagined, because other people have pointed them out in the past.

Hating myself is bad enough.

But I'm so focused on appearance, I find my mind picking out flaws in other people.

I see someone I don't find attractive, and I feel extremely guilty for not finding them attractive.

Because I would be so hurt if I knew that they were thinking /I/ was ugly (which they probably are).

I know I can't really control my thoughts and I don't voice them.

And it's like I can't win. Because if I find someone beautiful, I feel guilty for that too. Because it's not fair on the people I don't find beautiful.

I don't know why I put so much value on beauty and I hate myself but it's all I've ever wanted. Instead, I was given a face I feel so, so uncomfortable with.

I think of all the ugly photos of me taken when I was a child in people's homes. Some are HIDEOUS to me. And I feel angry that cameras were ever invented and it feels like an assault on me that those photos were ever allowed to be taken and I will never be able to erase the ugliness. I hate cameras so much. I feel so upset with God for making me so ugly and then I hate myself for finding anyone else unattractive and my mind for picking out other people's flaws as well as my own

I resent people for thinking I'm ugly which is ridiculous because they can't control that and some of my ugliness was my own fault; I was so depressed I didn't look after myself or make the best of myself

Even if I was beautiful I'd feel guilty because it wouldn't be fair on those who aren't. I used to want to be the prettiest in the room before I realised that was selfish and narcissistic. I don't want to be the reason someone else feels insecure.
I wish everyone could be beautiful and happy with themselves.

ik I sound crazy lol

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your suffering!!

 

[derpyderpins]

ik I sound crazy lol

You don't sound crazy. Dysmorphia does not make you crazy. It does sound like you have a warped view not only of yourself, but others. All these ugly and beautiful people. . . theoretically most people should be average +/- a little. And, quite frankly, average people glow and look excellent all the time with a bit of work.

Even if you are ugly - which I feel like your brain is likely either making up or exaggerating - people aren't sitting there thinking about 'oh man @wildflowers1996 is so ugly.' Just like you, they're sitting there thinking about themselves and what people think of them.

It's perfectly natural to want to be the prettiest in the room. You can put yourself first without being a narcissist, as long as you don't personally treat people badly based on looks.

Sorry this is such a struggle :(

 

[_Gollum_]

I experience this too :\

 

[eatantz]

I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I relate to this very much, life is full of constant suffering. I hate when I judge someone based on their looks because I hate when people do this to me, I'm always battling my thoughts.