Venting I hate being a loser.

[SomedayorNexttime]

I don't like being a loser. I hate failure but I am failure.

I've been told a lot of times in my life that no one cares what I have to say. No matter what I do or what opinion I hold, no one cares, and it shows when I'm brushed over or interrupted or looked at strangely. Sidelined, ignored, brushed past and never invited to anything without a word said to me. And it drives me insane because it doesn't make any sense to me.

I have always been hopelessly unattractive and was reminded of this constantly. The only reason why it hasn't hurt me so much is because most things were said behind my back. I've only ever been told otherwise by my family, who has said otherwise plenty times more.

I have lame interests and fail to be good at or impressive at anything that matters. I don't have any hobbies because I wasn't good at anything. Never did well in art, never did well in any sciences I wanted to pursue, failed even when I tried my hardest. Went to one of the best high schools just to fail at every goal I set, got rejected from every college I applied to except for the worst one while all the people I knew went to better ones.

I am powerless. I have no friends, never got a job, have no money, have no car, have nothing to show for myself, likely have some kind of mental issue and so on. I cannot do anything with my life because I have nothing, and I am nothing. No job hired me and it's cost me a lot. Everything that has worked out for other people doesn't work for me, and it has even confused other people why things don't work out for me when I try to do things their way.

I feel like I've been cursed. I almost considered asking a witch to do witchcraft on me so I can have a good life. I don't know why I am the opposite of everything I aspired to be and why my life feels like a humiliation of some sort. I don't know why I keep meeting people that push back on everything I say or assume the worst, or why I can't voice these feelings without indifference or dismissal, or why my circumstances keep getting worse with time, or why I keep becoming a worse person with time.

I look back on how I used to love life. I envisioned myself being everything I wanted to be one day. I would have put lead in my head sooner if I saw how I'd end up. Everything keeps pointing to more hardship, more yelling in the household, more friendlessness, less money, no success, more disappointment in the family, getting worse and worse mentally, and no light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe I just made a lot of mistakes, but that doesn't make the reality any more likable. I still FAILED like the pathetic loser weirdo I am. I FAILED, and I have to get used to saying that. I am not the kind of person that belongs in society nor on earth, I add nothing to the world, and therefore I want my life to end for good. I loathe myself more than anyone I know and I don't believe I owe it to myself to experience this for another ten to fifty years. I just wish I could apologize for wasting people's time on me.

 

[NutORat]

So many of these feelings you described are very familiar to me. People say that with the right attitude you can turn your view of yourself around, and I still hope they're right, and it's possible.

I live in a pretty poor country, though I myself was "fortunate" to be born in a better family, with enough money and safety nets to still be alive somehow. What I'm getting at is, I once worked at the market in our city as a night guard, I was there only for a week, as backup for my friend's business, and.. I can't even describe in words how filthy and poor everything looks there.

And the people who work there, these folks with minimal to no education, with several kids, on a less than minimal salary, doing any kind of part time work and favors just to scrap by any little bit of extra cash, eating cheap shitty RTE food.. and they're living, you know? They don't give a shit how they look, or how others perceive them, they just go on with their lives, they keep struggling, fooling buyers, stealing shit, any way to keep living. And here's me, no real responsibilities, no job, no kids or pets or anything, and I can't even manage to do basic hygiene at times.

How is it that these people can do all that in much worse environment, think of having kids, even though they know they can't provide for them, and just.. live? They just don't think of these things, their heads aren't full of doubt or hatred of themselves, many whom I worked alongside were super confident and thought they were the coolest, hottest badasses in the world, kings and queens, even though they were anything but. Is it the level of intellect that's the main factor? Or that they just never had the time to internalize anything, they focused solely to surviving day to day?

I don't know. Maybe, if these people can "thrive" in their own way, think highly of themselves, I think we should be able to do so too.

 

[weni]

I feel guilty even trying to encourage you because it's just so much like me..haha.. Is this really a tunnel? It just like a cave with no way out. Whatever you decide to do, i'll support you

 

[enjoytheride]

We often place too much power over our self-perception in the hands of others. We seem wired to fall easily into the band wagon fallacy trap of thinking that what others or the crowd seem to believe is what ultimately matters or is truthful. The truth is that our value as human beings is inherent and not defined by how others see us - unless we believe them and care too much about what they think.

Social media have only made things worse, as we live with a feeling of being constantly in some parallel, metaverse with others where we are constantly compared to them and have to live up to some imaginary standards in order to be deemed worthy. I call this bullsh*t.

You know, most people on Earth do not have anything to show (if we are to take the hyper social alpinist perspective according to which being "important" in society is the ultimate and most precious goal) - no expensive cars, not high up in the social ladder, no PhDs or Nobel prizes. Yet, most people on Earth are valuable, decent, kind human beings. No, we don't need any external approval of our existence. You exist and that is good enough. I try to everyday shield myself from toxic hustler culture and appreciate that, at least for me, the best measure of success is being a decent, honest human being that aims at integrity.

Dear friend, try to see things this way as well - reclaim your power over yourself. Stop caring if and how others respond to you - f* what they think, when they have no clue or don't care about what you are going through. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the chance to restart everyday, just as the Sun rises every morning, casting darkness away, until things get into the right track. Life is not a race. Ideally, it's a journey of exploration each of us has to do for themselves, at their own pace. And what's really worth it during this journey, is stopping as often as possible to appreciate the views, to appreciate how far you have come, and to take a sip of tea, enjoying life just for the sake of it.

Best wishes!

PS: On the practical side, my advice would be to try to create a plan for yourself, focusing on yourself and your development, no matter how long it may take. Once you have your destination set, you can start carving your path towards it. Whenever things go south, whenever people disappoint you, you can return to your map and re-center yourself.