I gonna quit college....I am so relieved

[noname223]

WTF just happpened...

Today I had my seminar. Social anxiety was very high. Could barely speak a word. They must consider me weird. Then I thought maybe I could go to my self-help group again. Last time an interesting new woman joined. (she looks pretty beautiful) She also had psychosis as I learned today. Maybe it...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I am 5 weeks into college and the consequences are devastating...

I had a 1 year hiatus. I felt so much better. My suicidality decreased so much. I had some success in dating. Now I am attending college since 5 weeks again and my mental health deteriorated so much. I am making progress by handing in papers. (but I use AI) I already invested so much mental...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Had a meltdown towards my dad....I think I gonna quit college

The mental pain has to get really severe so that I get angry towards someone. I am pretty peaceful. But my dad pressured me to go to college. I told him the last two days that I consider to quit. I barely can cope with the pain anymore. I am way way too ill for college. Last year I almost...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I drifted farther and farther away. My brain could not cope with it anymore. I sort of hallucinated and thought every woman I talked with was interested in me. Even a lecturer. It is not an easy decision. But it is obvious it is the right decision. It probably was stupid to attend college again.

After 5 weeks I am more and more at the end of the rope. I would have deteriorated further and further. I lost my appetitite again. I am waking up early in the morning and cannot sleep. I have to take addictive sleep medication to sleep. Increasingly more. I have strong suicidal thoughts again. I am overwhelmed by the pain. I had an emergency call with a friend it took 1 hour. I come closer and closer to a suicidal crisis. Any maybe I am already in one. In my self-help group I met a woman. But on Mondy the facade slipped and I openly talked how I felt. Monday was disastrous. I think she might fear I will never be able to work and that I am too dependent on my parents. I am not sure whether I could do damage repair. On Monday I will probably announce I change to a remote college. (I hope noone will ask me what I did the last two semesters beforehand. Nothing. Lol. I had two clinic stays because of suicidality.) If she dodges me because of that it will break my heart. But if I continue college it will destabilize me more and more. And thus far I can manage the paranoia somewhat.

However, I noticed more and more my life hinges on woman. And that is part of my paranoia. When I am in severe mental torment (aka college) I am fantasizing either about suicide or love. Something that could save me. I only survived 5 semesters of college because I vented almost daily on here how much I want to kill myself. Or I had love delusions with random women. I think this is unhealthy. On my hiatus I was also less paranoid with women. I am becoming increasingly paranoid again. And after my love delusions I become even more suicidal. I ordered SN. I almost took the SN. If I gonna continue college all of this will happen again. Maybe with a different outcome.

It is insane how much pain this was. Why have I actually done this? My dad wanted it. The society expects it. And my therapist suggested it.

Primarily I am very relieved. And the thought of quitting college is like lifting an insane weight from my shoulders. If it ruins my chance with the woman of that self-help group it will make me pretty suicidal I guess. She will consider me a loser likely. Even from the dating perspective. If I continue college my paranoia will become worse and worse. My suicidality will become worse and worse. And as on Monday I won't be able to hide it. If this happens the chemistry master student has to ship/couple me with a different female friend of her.

I had to do 6 more semesters. I never would be able to pull that off. This is probably from a psychological perspective impossible. Even if one tortured me. I have bipolar, psychosis, social anxiety and autism. I am a mental wreck. All of it is a complete mind fuck.

 

[Moroze]

I actually just stopped attending college and no one asked me if I was okay they just all demanded I do assignments and cooperate with my group. It's fucked up how I could be dead and my university would just keep emailing me about where's my college work and why am I not contributing to group work. I can't even hold a part-time job. I never worked. My mum considers people who don't work or do anything with their lives as embarrassing outcasted failures. Once she said that people who were homeless moved to be homeless somewhere else and she said that at least they will be closer to a job. Fantasizing about suicide and love is something I deeply relate too. For me the ideal scenario would be dying with someone I love. I actually met someone I loved here on SS, but he ended up ghosting me after agreeing to a suicide pact. I have psychosis as well, so fuck, I know how awful it can get

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm sorry if I tried motivating you a bit too hard last time you commented on this. You have to put your mental health first and choose what is best for you. Aside all that social espectation there is very much a life out there worth living without college. I don't think any of that would make you a "loser". There is a lot going through your mind right now, which makes sense, so try to acknowledge that and take it as easy as you are able to. Which probably won't be very easy, but still, you decide for yourself and for your betterment. hugs

 

[broken_stoic]

This sounds unbelievably rough, but I'm glad you are prioritizing taking care of yourself. I'm glad you caught yourself before something really terrible might have happened. It looks like you have tried all kinds of troubleshooting, and you know yourself and your limits best. I'm glad this is bringing you relief.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

It is insane how much pain this was. Why have I actually done this? My dad wanted it. The society expects it. And my therapist suggested it.

Dad, society, and therapist are all important voices, but ultimately it's your life and your decision. I think it's better when people call their own shots. College isn't for everyone. My guess, as a stranger from a million miles away, is that you probably made the right decision. Maybe later you will try it again, or not.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

College was something that wrecked my psyche as well. Like I let everyone down, and I would never prosper as a human being. I would be stuck forever being an undergrad on a dead end job and, well, It's kind of where I am right now.

I can barely think about it without feeling my whole being melt into shame. I just...I gave up, and nobody cared, yet everyone cared for the wrong reasons. I just need to lie down now...

 

[noname223]

On the one hand I feel like a huge weight was liften from my body. I feel really relieved. At the same time I am disappointed by myself, I feel like a let down and loser.

But there is no sense in postponing all of that. My suicidality and pain only grew stronger. The latter I wait the worse does it get.