I did something horrible again, hurt my chances of recovery a lot with this. I masturbated too after a number of days of abstinence. I sort of don't fret too much on sexual pleasure. It seems to be the only cope that WORKS now. I mean, what else have i got when i am all by myself ( mostly ).
This isn't about that though.
I have just done some major fuck ups recently, made some real bad decisions and stuff. The regret from it all has piled up and it's gotten me frustrated to the point i literally felt like nothing good is supposed to happen anymore. I am not saying that in a literary sense, I actually felt like i was sort of getting fucked by destiny. I literally felt resentment towards god. Not a theist or atheist thing, i just like knowing someone's looking out for me at all times, it's hopeful. So i believe in god but the last few days have turned me against him. What makes me write about all this is a realization i just had a while ago, which cheered me up. It's nothing too motivating or anything but i just wanted speak it out in a personal note to myself.
I was sitting alone, it's nighttime, it's late. I was cursing my fate, dry eyes ready to be filled with tears, thinking that suicide has been my only option, always. All of a sudden i had a sudden thought of fighting this negativeness. Fighting this whiny, victim sort of persona that i was starting to develop. How i fought it is by realizing how i have dealt with worse decisions in my life, worse situations than this, face the repercussions and am still fucking here. I must be wanting something real bad from this life that i am still enduring this unfair loop i reckon. If i could bounce back from all the shit i have been through, how the fuck is this not gonna be dealt with? People have had it worse, I have had it worse. It's not really a zeal to want to prove destiny wrong, it's just utter optimism ( high dopamine ) that does not let me believe these thoughts wouldn't pass. Also, i am at my worse right now anyways, what could they possibly hit me with that could make me give a reaction.
SHIIIIT son
This isn't about that though.
I have just done some major fuck ups recently, made some real bad decisions and stuff. The regret from it all has piled up and it's gotten me frustrated to the point i literally felt like nothing good is supposed to happen anymore. I am not saying that in a literary sense, I actually felt like i was sort of getting fucked by destiny. I literally felt resentment towards god. Not a theist or atheist thing, i just like knowing someone's looking out for me at all times, it's hopeful. So i believe in god but the last few days have turned me against him. What makes me write about all this is a realization i just had a while ago, which cheered me up. It's nothing too motivating or anything but i just wanted speak it out in a personal note to myself.
I was sitting alone, it's nighttime, it's late. I was cursing my fate, dry eyes ready to be filled with tears, thinking that suicide has been my only option, always. All of a sudden i had a sudden thought of fighting this negativeness. Fighting this whiny, victim sort of persona that i was starting to develop. How i fought it is by realizing how i have dealt with worse decisions in my life, worse situations than this, face the repercussions and am still fucking here. I must be wanting something real bad from this life that i am still enduring this unfair loop i reckon. If i could bounce back from all the shit i have been through, how the fuck is this not gonna be dealt with? People have had it worse, I have had it worse. It's not really a zeal to want to prove destiny wrong, it's just utter optimism ( high dopamine ) that does not let me believe these thoughts wouldn't pass. Also, i am at my worse right now anyways, what could they possibly hit me with that could make me give a reaction.
SHIIIIT son
