Hello, I'm posting here because I feel this is one of the few places people would understand what I'm feeling, and the reasons I had to do so...
Note/Disclaimer: What I'm going to write here, I'm not doing so to offend anyone, to make anyone uncomfortable and so on. If anything, the only person I'll be insulting is myself and nobody else. Also, I will mentioning some things referenced to the spectrum, but I don't mean any offense to those people, I swear upon God's name.
I remember the first time I truly wanted to die was when I was 16, at the time, everything I knew was crumbling down, as people showed, both in words and actions, that I wasn't worth anything to them, and they always reminded me of the fact.
I was bullied in high school for years, I remember being insulted from A to Z, being treated like garbage, people pushing me around, throwing my backpack in the trash, pushing me from the stairs once or twice, mocking how I talked, the things I liked, my ideals, only asking me for help (like giving them my lunch, homework and so on), and they would ignore me and ostracize me a lot. I tried to choke myself with a belt in 2.013, and only because my mother talked to the authorities it somewhat stopped...
After high school, I thought I would finally have a chance to be happy and make connections with people, and I somehow did... Sadly, it wouldn't last at all. Because I made of the worst mistakes of my life.
A faculty teacher from my first college career (ended up flunking out), thought I could have Asperger's Syndrome, so I went to a place to get treatment, and told everyone I used to know about it... (Bad mistake, I know, but at the time I didn't).
That choice cost me everything.
People started to treat me in an overly kind way, they stopped taking me seriously, they stopped reaching out (unless it had to do with college stuff or if they happened to be there when I arrived), I got pitying stares, forced smiles, people telling me they were my friends or they wanted to, only for those words to be a lie... A few years ago, I found out via brain scan that my brain doesn't have the structure someone from the spectrum would have, and that I was misdiagnosed, as my true diagnosis was Severe Social Anxiety, Major Depression Disorder and perhaps some OCD traits.
Plus, I ended up making another mistake far worse than it... I probably manipulated people by telling them I was feeling suicidal...
It doesn't matter that I never had any bad intentions while doing so, because in the end, only the final results and actions of that are everything that matters.
I can't even imagine the burden I put on their shoulders, how they could've processed that information in their minds, the stress and discomfort it would have caused...
Because of those two mistakes, right now, I'm almost friendless.
People have snapped on me, sometimes they hated me so much that they bullied me as punishment, or they ended up ignoring/ghosting me for no apparent reason until I got the message and moved on... It didn't matter if I tried to fix things, or if I tried to ignore them, because in the end I always end up losing.
I think it's because... I'm not a good person at all.
What am I supposed to think? That everyone else is wrong and I'm right? That this world is filled with demons, and I'm one of the few "saints" left? Sorry but, I'm not that prideful or arrogant to believe that... As the answer is far more simple than that.
I've always been the common denominator.
Elementary School, Middle School, High School, Two College Careers and various internet sites/servers/forums later, and I always ended up having a conflict with someone else, I would end up with someone hating me or snapping at me, or I would end up being ghosted/ignored as punishment.
I'm done. I'm done... I've tried everything I could think about...
Pills, therapy, asking for help and support, even a bit of exercise every once in a while, but nothing worked...
Also... I'm studying a college career that I won't be able to work in if I keep being depressed so, a lot of invested money would've gone in vain...
I made my family suffer a lot with my mistakes... I made my family spend money in all those psychology appointments and pills, in that failed career, in so many things... As I'm just a parasite that takes, takes and takes, and I can't even work to gather enough money to pay them back.
Which is why... I think I'm ready to Catch the Bus.
First I thought about taking a swan dive off a bridge but, I realized I could end up killing innocent people or creating a chain reaction that would cause lots of car crashes so, that's out of the question, I refuse to die like that as innocents could be harmed.
My current plan is... Taking a taxi to a lonely place, drink an entire bottle of Spiron/Risperidone (leftover from a treatment, I think it still has 20-25 ML left), to then slit both my left and right wrists using a Gillete razor sheet, to then fall asleep and wait until I bleed out and die (since I don't have access to aspirines, but they would make things easier).
I already made two suicide letters, one for my mom and family, and the other for everyone else (teachers, classmates and friends), I rewrote them to ensure I didn't say anything selfish or manipulative, I didn't left any desires except for asking for certain songs to be played at my funeral, I apologized for everything I've ever done, I recognized that some people hurt me, but said I truly forgive them this time and so on.
As much as I don't want to hurt anyone else... Like Roxas from Kingdom Hearts said: "no one would miss me."
Also, if I ended up doing it, I would delete this account beforehand, since I don't want this site to get in trouble because of me.
What few friends I have I'm sure they will probably move on easily, and while I don't want to hurt my family... I have reached my limit...
Sorry if the tag is not correct, it's my first time using the site. Thanks for everything in advance.
Note/Disclaimer: What I'm going to write here, I'm not doing so to offend anyone, to make anyone uncomfortable and so on. If anything, the only person I'll be insulting is myself and nobody else. Also, I will mentioning some things referenced to the spectrum, but I don't mean any offense to those people, I swear upon God's name.
I remember the first time I truly wanted to die was when I was 16, at the time, everything I knew was crumbling down, as people showed, both in words and actions, that I wasn't worth anything to them, and they always reminded me of the fact.
I was bullied in high school for years, I remember being insulted from A to Z, being treated like garbage, people pushing me around, throwing my backpack in the trash, pushing me from the stairs once or twice, mocking how I talked, the things I liked, my ideals, only asking me for help (like giving them my lunch, homework and so on), and they would ignore me and ostracize me a lot. I tried to choke myself with a belt in 2.013, and only because my mother talked to the authorities it somewhat stopped...
After high school, I thought I would finally have a chance to be happy and make connections with people, and I somehow did... Sadly, it wouldn't last at all. Because I made of the worst mistakes of my life.
A faculty teacher from my first college career (ended up flunking out), thought I could have Asperger's Syndrome, so I went to a place to get treatment, and told everyone I used to know about it... (Bad mistake, I know, but at the time I didn't).
That choice cost me everything.
People started to treat me in an overly kind way, they stopped taking me seriously, they stopped reaching out (unless it had to do with college stuff or if they happened to be there when I arrived), I got pitying stares, forced smiles, people telling me they were my friends or they wanted to, only for those words to be a lie... A few years ago, I found out via brain scan that my brain doesn't have the structure someone from the spectrum would have, and that I was misdiagnosed, as my true diagnosis was Severe Social Anxiety, Major Depression Disorder and perhaps some OCD traits.
Plus, I ended up making another mistake far worse than it... I probably manipulated people by telling them I was feeling suicidal...
It doesn't matter that I never had any bad intentions while doing so, because in the end, only the final results and actions of that are everything that matters.
I can't even imagine the burden I put on their shoulders, how they could've processed that information in their minds, the stress and discomfort it would have caused...
Because of those two mistakes, right now, I'm almost friendless.
People have snapped on me, sometimes they hated me so much that they bullied me as punishment, or they ended up ignoring/ghosting me for no apparent reason until I got the message and moved on... It didn't matter if I tried to fix things, or if I tried to ignore them, because in the end I always end up losing.
I think it's because... I'm not a good person at all.
What am I supposed to think? That everyone else is wrong and I'm right? That this world is filled with demons, and I'm one of the few "saints" left? Sorry but, I'm not that prideful or arrogant to believe that... As the answer is far more simple than that.
I've always been the common denominator.
Elementary School, Middle School, High School, Two College Careers and various internet sites/servers/forums later, and I always ended up having a conflict with someone else, I would end up with someone hating me or snapping at me, or I would end up being ghosted/ignored as punishment.
I'm done. I'm done... I've tried everything I could think about...
Pills, therapy, asking for help and support, even a bit of exercise every once in a while, but nothing worked...
Also... I'm studying a college career that I won't be able to work in if I keep being depressed so, a lot of invested money would've gone in vain...
I made my family suffer a lot with my mistakes... I made my family spend money in all those psychology appointments and pills, in that failed career, in so many things... As I'm just a parasite that takes, takes and takes, and I can't even work to gather enough money to pay them back.
Which is why... I think I'm ready to Catch the Bus.
First I thought about taking a swan dive off a bridge but, I realized I could end up killing innocent people or creating a chain reaction that would cause lots of car crashes so, that's out of the question, I refuse to die like that as innocents could be harmed.
My current plan is... Taking a taxi to a lonely place, drink an entire bottle of Spiron/Risperidone (leftover from a treatment, I think it still has 20-25 ML left), to then slit both my left and right wrists using a Gillete razor sheet, to then fall asleep and wait until I bleed out and die (since I don't have access to aspirines, but they would make things easier).
I already made two suicide letters, one for my mom and family, and the other for everyone else (teachers, classmates and friends), I rewrote them to ensure I didn't say anything selfish or manipulative, I didn't left any desires except for asking for certain songs to be played at my funeral, I apologized for everything I've ever done, I recognized that some people hurt me, but said I truly forgive them this time and so on.
As much as I don't want to hurt anyone else... Like Roxas from Kingdom Hearts said: "no one would miss me."
Also, if I ended up doing it, I would delete this account beforehand, since I don't want this site to get in trouble because of me.
What few friends I have I'm sure they will probably move on easily, and while I don't want to hurt my family... I have reached my limit...
Sorry if the tag is not correct, it's my first time using the site. Thanks for everything in advance.
