I feel like I want to be evil

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Sometimes I feel like being an evil person. Doing things you're not supposed to do and not facing any negative consequences of it. Empathy, sensitivity and being a caring person makes me feel sad. I don't like feeling sad. How can rich people seem to enjoy life knowing all the suffering they are actively causing and ignoring? I want to feel that ignorant bliss too.

Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. There is no saving me. Sometimes I feel like I wanna kill my siblings just to see how heartbroken my parents will be. Sometimes I feel like I want to be a ruthless dictator that is worse than Hitler, just to cement my name in history. Sometimes, I feel like I want to be Heisenberg from Breaking Bad, he did it for himself and he liked it. Sometimes, I feel like I want to be Big Jack Horner from Puss In Boots 2, he looks so happy being an asshole. Sometimes, I want to be like the killer from Se7en, having the ability to no longer feel guilty.

Even though, I am just a loser whose even afraid of holding a knife. There is no hope for me. I'm better off dead.

P/S: There is a reason I am posting on the recovery thread. I want help. I don't want to be this evil version of me that keeps popping up in my head. I don't know what to do. I think my ego is too big for me to get help. I'm a lost man.

 

[m4rius]

I want to be careless, not exactly evil. Just that nothing ever gets to you, ever.

It's so funny how human psychology varies. On one side you can be a really empathetic person and even change someone's life and feel great about it. Then there's this other side that can easily be corrupted, where you drop your empathy and you wish the worst on those that you deem to deserve said suffering, sometimes even going as far as to be the one actually behind their suffering as the perpetrator - or at least fantasizing it. Causing suffering of magnitudes that is incomprehensible, truly unspeakable acts.

I think it speaks volumes that there's hope in us getting better and becoming better humans, just that some have entirely different thresholds and needs.

 

[Mirrory Me]

It sounds like you want to be stronger (or that you're bored). Do something that makes you happy instead of doing something that you think will make other people happy.