I failed my hanging attempt and now I am in panic because it should have happened today, can anyone help me

[Terrible_Life]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

 

[soul2realm]

I am sorry for your pain. I went through a similar ordeal a while back, haven't been able to try again. But so much want to!
All I can say is hang in there it will happen eventually but till that time do something about your anxiety. You can always post here or if you feel message me as well. People on this site are kind and can feel like friends. Hope it will help with your anxiety.
PS: The serenity you felt, I went through thay as well, its unexplainable, alomost like a new sense opening up.
Loads of love and blessings.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I am sorry for your pain. I went through a similar ordeal a while back, haven't been able to try again. But so much want to!
All I can say is hang in there it will happen eventually but till that time do something about your anxiety. You can always post here or if you feel message me as well. People on this site are kind and can feel like friends. Hope it will help with your anxiety.
PS: The serenity you felt, I went through thay as well, its unexplainable, alomost like a new sense opening up.
Loads of love and blessings.

that was a kind reply thank you :)
When you attempted was there also this huge anxiety a fear which was so overwhelming?
I kinda feel traumatized from what happened today it needed some hours until I realized what happened today :(
I wish I could know how all those people who succeed with hanging how they felt before their attempt while staying on the chair. From what I experienced it feels so unreal to see hanging videos where they just do it.
I must work on a concept …. I must find a way to succeed only alternative to ctb would be a horrible life

 

[Exhausted546]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

I know that strange feeling op. Although when I attempted FSH at home, the noose stayed around my neck for a few seconds before I impulsively kicked the chair. By pure chance, the rope was low enough that when it tightened,it also lowered me down just enough for my feet to hit the floor.

I fixed my fsh home set up and my test run proved it'd be extremely deadly and efficient but opted to do it in the woods instead

Nonetheless, it felt weird to pretend nothing ever happened. When by all accords, I'm already supposed to be dead rn. Hell the nooses (1 for the home FSH setup and 1 for the tree FSH setup) are still in my backpack a meter away from me and have been for 7-10 days.

I'll likely ctb when I move out to my own apartment in 2ish months tho unless something good enough happens in my life to somehow make me reconsider

But yeah,it's surreal. Although I got over it after a few hours. I guess the fact that I tried partial hanging 3x last month kinda desensitized me

 

[soul2realm]

that was a kind reply thank you :)
When you attempted was there also this huge anxiety a fear which was so overwhelming?
I kinda feel traumatized from what happened today it needed some hours until I realized what happened today :(
I wish I could know how all those people who succeed with hanging how they felt before their attempt while staying on the chair. From what I experienced it feels so unreal to see hanging videos where they just do it.
I must work on a concept …. I must find a way to succeed only alternative to ctb would be a horrible life

Of course!! It was nerve raking. What you went through today even some of the best military personnel dont encounter during their duty. But the thing is I am glad you are here to talk about it. I wa so scared after mine that I changed my method altogether.

 

[fadedghost]

Hi everyone,

today I wanted to end this horrible suffering. I wanted to ctb by hanging.
I was on the ladder with the Noose on my neck but I was so extremely anxious my body was shaking. I told myself this must happen so I pressed my body down to constrict the carotids but again I was so damn afraid like I was never before in my life. I stopped and then I took off the noose and gave up… then after that I had just short time to rebuild everything I mean bringing everything in order. While doing that it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. Then my family came back home and this felt absolutely weird in my thoughts I was like wow just a little more braveness and right now I wouldn't be here with this annoying family.
Now I am in panic it's not like i could attempt every day unfortunately this needs to be planned and then I need a lie so I have the house for myself but my main point from this horrible story is:
man damn committing suicide is (at least in my case) absolutely horrible. You stay there with the fucking noose on your neck and you don't know what'll happen after you let yourself fall. All the happiness that was there whenever you thought about ctb because it'll end your problems this is gone. In that moment my body was shaking although I drank alcohol.
What I find fascinating looking back at it is the fact how fast I could just act as if nothing happened. I mean that after this traumatic event took place my first thought was just oh yeah my family will come back soon so I should take off the rope from the beam etc so I won't end up in psych ward.

Now I regret it that I didn't succeed I absolutely regret it just the thought knowing what horrible inhumane suffering awaits me tomorrow in this "house" or better said prison . Tomorrow my ocd my anxiety it'll be horrible and the endless fucking circle will go on and on.

Guys ya'll should know this:
I have no friends whom I can tell all this, I have a family from which I distanced myself completely and I have no therapist. I take no meds nothing. Others here on sasu at least have their benzos or other stuff against their horrible anxiety, panic attacks, ocd etc but I have nothing all I can do is write about my suffering or smoke a cigarette against my anxiety.

i am so sorry you are going through this

therapy and meds are effective for some depressed people... just in case you don't know...

yep, attempting is incredibly hard and agonizing to do. i have felt that way when attempting before...

 

[hienapospolita]

totally, try going to a shink, maby with meds life will be pleasent and satisfactionary

 

[madameviolette]

I always admired people who have enough willpower to choose this method because I'd never be able to suffocate myself to death. I'd instinctively claw at my skin or something.

 

[Chabrychek]

Im not surprised you panicked. For me, hanging is too brutal and harsh. I prefer to use the sn, although I am afraid that would also make me panic. I admire that you even tried. If you would like to talk, you can write to me. Take care

 

[kufajoy]

I feel you ;)
Failed 3 attempt myself even with bezo. Hope you feel better.

 

[dalemar]

I hope you get better soon.
Hanging sounds as a very difficult method regarding SI.

 

[fkyou]

Same thing happens to me..the body reacts how it wants no matter how euphoric you feel about dying before that..

 

[lpdsvm]

I think when you are doing new things it takes time to get used to them. Building up pain tolerance etc. It's similar to a phobia of heights. You do it slowly one step at a time and no need to do the final thing right away.
I would try and research it deeply to make sure I can get it done with minimal discomfort.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Thank you all for your kind messages
Imagine you had an attempt the day before but you have absolutely nobody with whom you can talk about what happened and yeah it definitely had some traumatic aspects yesterday. So instead I must endure my terrible family now which I don't want so I am just in my room alone starring the wall and regretting not do finish the job
I don't want to leave my bed any more After that what happened yesterday it took me a long sleep to completely understand what happened yesterday. I was even thinking few minutes ago I should just go to the damn forest tonight and do it but unfortunately doing it outside is too risky for me.
Idk if I will have another chance to do it at home because I must prepare this again carefully and find a lie so the house will be empty for me…

 

[Terrible_Life]

I think when you are doing new things it takes time to get used to them. Building up pain tolerance etc. It's similar to a phobia of heights. You do it slowly one step at a time and no need to do the final thing right away.
I would try and research it deeply to make sure I can get it done with minimal discomfort.

I researched a lot about full hanging but I think my problem was and still is that I am in a rush.
I don't have much time left. Soon my parents wanna kick me out then I am there lost alone mentally ill fully dependent on help loosing my anchor point. I am too afraid of doing it in the woods

I feel you ;)
Failed 3 attempt myself even with bezo. Hope you feel better.

Oh I am so sorry:(
Did you also tried hanging?
Did you also got so afraid like never before in your life I mean whole body shaking , even yelling at yourself to please stop?
After your attempt didn't you also felt so fooled I mean with that that the other day you woke up and everything was still the same suffering pain and nightmare and you wished you succeeded?

 

[kufajoy]

I researched a lot about full hanging but I think my problem was and still is that I am in a rush.
I don't have much time left. Soon my parents wanna kick me out then I am there lost alone mentally ill fully dependent on help loosing my anchor point. I am too afraid of doing it in the woods

Oh I am so sorry:(
Did you also tried hanging?
Did you also got so afraid like never before in your life I mean whole body shaking , even yelling at yourself to please stop?
After your attempt didn't you also felt so fooled I mean with that that the other day you woke up and everything was still the same suffering pain and nightmare and you wished you succeeded?

Yeah my first attempt was partial hanging. It was going peaceful until I started to feel blackout. It was like less then 10 seconds when I pulled out the rope. Maybe if I could keep another 10 seconds I would go unconscious and didn't had to feel guilty and suffer. But Si kicked in ;)

I felt the same feeling everyday at 9pm the exact time when I did that for weeks.

 

[Exhausted546]

I always admired people who have enough willpower to choose this method because I'd never be able to suffocate myself to death. I'd instinctively claw at my skin or something.

From failed attempts, I believe you don't suffocate to death, you lose consciousness before that happens. In fact I'd go as far as to say that the unsuccessful attempts are the ones where the person didn't set it up properly to the point they'd suffocate instead of losing consciousness

Thank you all for your kind messages
Imagine you had an attempt the day before but you have absolutely nobody with whom you can talk about what happened and yeah it definitely had some traumatic aspects yesterday. So instead I must endure my terrible family now which I don't want so I am just in my room alone starring the wall and regretting not do finish the job
I don't want to leave my bed any more After that what happened yesterday it took me a long sleep to completely understand what happened yesterday. I was even thinking few minutes ago I should just go to the damn forest tonight and do it but unfortunately doing it outside is too risky for me.
Idk if I will have another chance to do it at home because I must prepare this again carefully and find a lie so the house will be empty for me…

Why is it risky outside of you don't mind me asking?

 

[lpdsvm]

Yeah my first attempt was partial hanging. It was going peaceful until I started to feel blackout. It was like less then 10 seconds when I pulled out the rope. Maybe if I could keep another 10 seconds I would go unconscious and didn't had to feel guilty and suffer. But Si kicked in ;)

I felt the same feeling everyday at 9pm the exact time when I did that for weeks.

OMG. It is so bad. Sorry. Partial is kinda weird. It needs more practice.
I didn't find people actually tried but here some: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/inducing-syncope-before-hanging.20752/

Partial Suspension - Siphon Effect?

Hello. I made an account on sactionedsuicide for the sole purpose of replying to a particular thread (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-hang-yourself.1183/) but this post is a bit wordy, so I figured I would post it alone instead. (Forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong section.)...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Maybe there were some people that succeeded.. I plan to do this but SN before everything is ready. Something like that.
I don't know when but when I do I will post about it in detail.
When the time comes: If it's from hanging there will be no follow up messages for the obvious reason. It will take 20 seconds. If I fail then I will keep on waiting for SN to kick in and comment what is happening to me.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Why is it risky outside of you don't mind me asking?

Because outside there can always be someone who just randomly went there for a walk . Also there'd be the possibility that after I've been found someone will make pictures and videos and I'll end up on a gore site.
I know many did it outside but I feel uncomfortable with it

Same thing happens to me..the body reacts how it wants no matter how euphoric you feel about dying before that..

Yes from now on I will practice hanging to the point where it's saved in my mind and I fully know the process so next time I can really just do it like those people in their hanging videos who also just do it.

Yeah my first attempt was partial hanging. It was going peaceful until I started to feel blackout. It was like less then 10 seconds when I pulled out the rope. Maybe if I could keep another 10 seconds I would go unconscious and didn't had to feel guilty and suffer. But Si kicked in ;)

I felt the same feeling everyday at 9pm the exact time when I did that for weeks.

I am so sorry:( did this event changed you , did it make you change the method?
May I also please ask; did you have huge pain on your neck while doing partial?

 

[Exhausted546]

Because outside there can always be someone who just randomly went there for a walk . Also there'd be the possibility that after I've been found someone will make pictures and videos and I'll end up on a gore site.
I know many did it outside but I feel uncomfortable with it

Yes from now on I will practice hanging to the point where it's saved in my mind and I fully know the process so next time I can really just do it like those people in their hanging videos who also just do it.

I am so sorry:( did this event changed you , did it make you change the method?
May I also please ask; did you have huge pain on your neck while doing partial?

Makes sense, I never thought of that honestly. Dying in the comfort of my own home seems like the best alternative

 

[Terrible_Life]

Makes sense, I never thought of that honestly. Dying in the comfort of my own home seems like the best alternative

Unfortunately I don't live alone so if I want to attempt again I must plan everything carefully again so that I'll have enough time alone at home.

 

[Terrible_Life]

i am so sorry you are going through this

therapy and meds are effective for some depressed people... just in case you don't know...

yep, attempting is incredibly hard and agonizing to do. i have felt that way when attempting before...

Did you also attempt with hanging as your method?
I am very angry about it how difficult it is for me to ctb because I have so many reasons to do it. Actually every new day is a pinch in the face , a reminder why I wanna ctb. I wrote so much about my suffering, I was so sure that it'd all happen by itself considering how horrible this mental pain is which I endure ….

I hope you get better soon.
Hanging sounds as a very difficult method regarding SI.

Yes it was very scary staying there on the ladder like 60-80cm above the ground knowing I must kick the ladder away and then I will hang there fully with my whole body weight on my neck. In that moment I couldn't think about my mental pain but only about the horrible pain that'll happen once I hang fully and also I had the fear what if I won't get unconscious after 15 sec what if it'll take much longer…I know this was stupid because the noose was perfectly placed and I'd have definitely lost consciousness after 15 sec but still in that moment I was occupied by irrationality

Same thing happens to me..the body reacts how it wants no matter how euphoric you feel about dying before that..

Yes unfortunately but I must ctb I suffer a lot the mental pain is absolutely unbearable.
My family is toxic and make everything much worse.
I should have died on Friday since then the suffering has increased. I thought it'd be less pain after the failed attempt but no seems like my subconscious is disappointed that I didn't use the possibility and free myself and now the mental pain got worse ….. only moment I feel little bit better is when I practice hanging and think about another attempt and how I'd plan it….