Venting I don’t want to just EXIST

[spicerymer]

I've come out the worst depressive episode so far, which was from December to around a month ago. So yeh, I'm not depressed anymore but fuck me I still feel so fucking pathetic. I am now just this sorry excuse of a human life, stuck in a meaningless existence that consists of the most unfulfilling tasks, except I have no goal? Surely tasks are to achieve something but I am just doing things because that's what existing is. I go to the gym, I go to work I come home and go for a walk for my 'mental health' so that I don't want to kill myself every day and yeh I don't think about killing myself as much but I'm not exactly enjoying myself just living in this cycle of being. I am so embarrassed and I am so uninspired. I cringe at the thought of people looking at me and thinking what I already know to be true- that I really am just such a waste of space. My poor mum must be so exhausted of having to deal with such an embarrassment for a child. I am such a failure and I don't want to be alive if this is all I amount to. This can't be it