Venting I don't want to have these thoughts

[alivefornow]

I have a lot of hatred in my heart and it has consumed and ruined my life.

My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.

I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.

I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.

There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.

I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.

This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.

Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.

My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.

 

[justwannadip]

I have a lot of hatred in my heart and it has consumed and ruined my life.

My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.

I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.

I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.

There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.

I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.

This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.

Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.

My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.

Hey, I understand. The hardest thoughts, and for me the most painful ones, are the ones directed or focused on others. I too have had violent and controlling thoughts and desires that are very disturbing to me. It feels like kerosene being dumped into my chest and deep into the substructures of my brain.

After so much self-directed hate and pain, combined with the realization of there being no way out of this hell for me, my mind tries to pull me into the direction of making specific others related to my pain, suffer. Its awful. Mostly because its not who I am. But I can literally feel the magnetic pull towards these thoughts and urges, and I have to battle them a lot. Its bad enough to have to deal with self tormenting and suicidal thoughts all day, but when its directed at others, its much more terrifying and distressing. Resentfulness is the most toxic emotion I find. We didnt choose these thoughts or urges. I really wish my brain didn't constantly and intrusively torment me like this.

Anyways, I hope you find peace.

 

[lostintheloop]

I have a lot of hatred in my heart and it has consumed and ruined my life.

My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.

I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.

I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.

There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.

I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.

This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.

Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.

My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much . How awful these thoughts make you feel suggests you are still a good person and not a demon. You are fighting demons in your mind but have not become them. It takes strength, perseverance, selflessness and kindness to resist acting on those thoughts , you are absolutely not being weak or pathetic .
I'm sorry life has been so hard on you. I hope you find peace in whatever way is best for you

 

[Zhendou]

If you care at all that is a good indicator that you are not a bad person. Bad people do not care at all.

 

[JaegerCA]

I have a lot of hatred in my heart and it has consumed and ruined my life.

My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.

I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.

I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.

There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.

I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.

This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.

Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.

My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.

I know how you feel, and I feel the exact same way, honestly. Try a AI story maker, like NovelAI with some fan fiction stuff, like a character from a show, or comic, then make the person do godawful shit. Or write your own stories without ai, if you're more creative and have more time than I do. I find that satisfying. Try watching depressing af animes like CLANNAD, Little Busters, or School Days. That's what I do. What works for me might not work for you, but it might. If you wanna play some video games or share some stories, lmk.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

These are merely thoughts, nothing else. Thoughts does not make you a bad person or mean you would act on it. You evidently care and that shows you're a good person. A bad person wouldn't give a fuck about having such thoughts.

I had really, crazy morbid thoughts for years, and years.. I had some proper sick, fucked up fantasies. I had the same mindset and thought it would never go away. But it did.

It took a lot of hardwork and processing some shit, but I came out on the other side, and you can too. These things take a long time to deal with, and it may seem like forever, but remember you have been this way a long time, so it won't be overnight. It is incredibly difficult but so worth it.

Try to be kind to yourself. Everyone is entitled to their own private thoughts.

Try not to be so hard on yourself