I dont want to get better

[failedmind]

Quick vent, I guess. Idk who to talk to.

I've known since I was 10 that I would take my own life. I started self harming around the same age and it continued until I was 19. I somehow stopped for 4 years then relapsed last November, so I guess I'm 8 months clean now somehow. I genuinely thought I wouldn't make it past 18. I hate that I didn't go through with it earlier. I can't believe I held on to the hope that it gets better.

So, I'm 24 now and I'm moving out of my moms house in a week to be in my own space which I know I'll be able to carry out my plans since I'll be living alone. But my mom made me promise to get on some kind of medication and therapy because she's worried I'm going to CTB. She's my best friend and I understand her worries 100% but it just sucks.

Anyway, all this to say, I don't want to get better and I don't want to try. Why would I try meds and therapy when I'll be dead by the end of the year? I'm tired. I've tried. I've had enough.

 

[honorando]

I hope that you find peace.

 

[bunnybird666]

Best of luck to you and I hope everything goes smoothly :)
I feel very similar to you. I'm 19 right now and I've been suicidal/self-harming since I was 10 too. It feels like a part of who I am at this point. My mom pushed me into therapy and wanted me to try meds but I refused. I'm really going to try waiting until I've moved out to CTB because I don't want her to find me but it's hard. Again, I wish you best and that everything works out for you.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hugs. This is very relatable. I'm about ten years older than you and I'm frankly aghast at myself for not doing it sooner. I was much more selfish and impulsive then, now I worry too much about my family.

I also understand not wanting to get better. Noone understands what it's like to genuinely not want to be alive and to want to die, not just because of a fleeting bad time, but because it's part of your very make-up.

If you have never had any treatment at all I'd say it's worth at least one shot. And for your mom's sake, she can tell herself that at least you tried to get help.

Either way I hope you get your peace.

 

[wham311]

Also do not want to get better. Sometimes your life just isn't worth living and you don't really have a shot. It's logical to want to get out of here.

The problem is, it's likely you get stuck in limbo.. unable to ctb and unable to live. Then you're in trouble.