I dont want to die but i also dont want to exist

[Celica45]

I've always been pretty suicidal, but I feel like I'll never be able to go though with it because I have such a big fear of dying, and I have people who care about me. But god, I really don't want to exist.

I've had dreams and aspersions, but they'll never come to fruition, I feel like I'm just wasting away, I lose interest in everything I enjoy very quickly, I'm very bi polar, I have psychosis and feel like I'm crazy. I just want to disappear, I don't want to be here at all. Nothing feels interesting to me. The only thing I'm good at is being told what to do, but I doubt anyone wants to take care of me the rest of their life.

I don't know how to get better, I've been going to therapy for over 7 years and I'm still just as depressed. Therapy giving me tools to handle emotions better still doesn't work when I'm just soo tired and don't care enough to use them.

At this point I really don't know what to do, I feel trapped here just wasting away because others care about me when I don't even want to be here.

 

[smokingfish99]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I relate to that feeling of not wanting to die but also not wanting to exist, it's a cruel predicament. I'm guessing you've tried many medications for how you feel?

 

[[redacted]]

I'm in the same spot. I actually don't want to die, but I don't see an alternative.

 

[Celica45]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I relate to that feeling of not wanting to die but also not wanting to exist, it's a cruel predicament. I'm guessing you've tried many medications for how you feel?

yeah, I've tried adlest 7-8 or something like that. I've had kinda bad experiences with them except for one, which is remeron, that one doesn't give me any side affect but it only helps a small amount. I've tried smoking but that just made me feel worse, haven't tried any other drugs but im not sure if i wanna go into that territory. It's a cruel predicament indeed, thanks for replying.