Discussion I don't understand the need to love & find love

[vira]

i guess this will be my little spot to talk about my thoughts. i am open to discussion and a light, differing opinion for flavor.

now, for me personally, i have never been one to believe in religion. more specifically, i am not one to believe in a god or creator. i think that our universe came from nothing, became something, and continues to be something, until it becomes nothing again. i just find a creator to be too close to what a human would want to exist.

back to the topic.

i struggle to understand the desire for connection and closeness with others. i try to empathize with people's situations, dealing with love and separation, but i dont think i will ever quite understand it.

what i dont understand? why would someone choose to be close with another person, knowing that their connection will result in separation. assuming that the two forge their bonds for a long while, eventually one will leave the other, right? whether from natural causes, or a falling out, it will happen eventually. i feel like these connections set eachother up for failure, for pain, for the opposite reasons they are created. and if we assume that we will pass before our loved ones, we are willingly putting them in a hurtful situation. isnt that against the goal?

i also find emotional validation a negative concept, which relates to my next question. emotions, at least from my perspective, are the main cause of mistakes, especially in reasoning. we can use a logical fallacy as an example:

- strawman: misrepresenting another's argument to validate your own. what reason would you have to invalidate an argument, without using logic, if not from a personal, emotional bias? how i see it, it can be caused by almost all emotions. happiness will result in overconfidence, anger will result in an unreasonable opposition- just to oppose, and so on.

i see that emotion connection makes people happy, that's reasonable. what i find odd, is placing your reasoning in jeopardy to feel what is most likely a fleeting emotion. lets use marriage as an example:



40-50%?! if we are aware that divorce causes significant distress, and we are also aware that ~45% of married couples (in the US, so, i guess you guys in europe/asia/australia/africa/etcetcetc may be luckier) end in divorce, why bother? it seems like a low reward, high risk situation. even more, the joy you receive in return doesn't even improve your judgement. what's the point?

judgement dictates everything controllable in our lives. i find that a very important aspect of my life, and i just cant understand why someone would willingly sacrifice that.

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

The need is to find allies with whom your goals and values align. This is both rational perspective, and we're also wired to seek this out anyway. Problem is, there is mismatch between this need for personal alliances and what the human societies can give us and the terms on which they give us.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To clarify, I've never had a romantic relationship- although, I did really want one when I was younger. I have had a best friend though. I would even have described them as a soul mate for a time.

I suppose people crave that because it does make life so much more enjoyable for the time it lasts. There is something almost exciting about sharing a mutual experience you both enjoy. Even if it's having a nice meal or enjoying a walk in the countryside. I suppose, being a social species- we probably do have a need to connect to others.

You could maybe compare it to a lesser degree as to- why did you or I post our thoughts on a public forum? Why wasn't it enough to keep them in our own minds or, write them in a diary? I think we look to others to see if how we experience the world is similar to them.

We also look to them for help. When we're struggling to cope in life. A partnership is maybe just a more guaranteed way to have that person have your back, while you have theirs. Although- like you say- with divorce rates so high- it's risky.

I think we vary individually too. I get the sense that some people struggle to be alone more than others. For them- they'll even seemingly accept a bad or problematic relationship rather than have no one.

Plus, we're maybe fooled by hope. I'm not sure all that many couples get together really believing they will eventually break up. If all is going wonderfully to begin with- it may be hard to imagine things turning sour.

Do you live life according to statistics? I won't go for that career- it's so unlikely I'll succeed. I won't eat that food- it's linked to horrible diseases. I won't gamble at all. The odds are so poor. I think we tend to follow our heart more. We'll pursue a stupid career maybe- because we may fear the thought of not doing so and regretting that choice.

Say you get chatting to someone on a long train journey. It turns out you share multiple intetests and aspirations. You also find one another attractive. If they offer you their number and the chance to keep in touch- do you simply refuse it? Because attachments lead to suffering? I think we're more keen to follow pleasure- as a species.

I think if the experience is good enough, we will also risk some hurt just to have it sometimes. Plus- we're considering a future event at some point. You may have months, years, decades of a happier life with this person- before one of you dies. That seems worth it I think- for some.

My God parents had something like an 11 year age gap. My God Mum knew she was very likely to lose her husband and have many years to live as a widow but- she accepted that and still thought it worth it.

If you've had losses in life- do you wish those things had never existed to begin with? I've lost multiple family members via death. Some were extremely painful. I'm still grateful for the memories I have with them though.

That said- I'm not personally looking for close relationships now. Partly because I doubt they would alter my ideation so- that's something that would either worry them or, I'd have to mask. The loss side to it is also something I don't personally want to experience again. Even the loss of friendships hurt. Mostly though, I don't have the degree of need I used to have to connect to people.

 

[MephiticShadow]

Have you never done something for the thrill of it? To feel more alive just for a second? People jump out of planes, ride motorbikes, etc etc....the arrogance of our species is the little voice in our heads saying all those other people get divorced but ours is better and will work out? Like foreversleep said, the power of hope. The comfort to hide from the world in another's arms, the escapism of sex on demand potentially. Same as addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling. Just another distraction to escape reality. If life really is just a series of moments, those moments can be desperately addictive
Filling up the time until we can be gone

 

[doneforlife]

View attachment 196413

i guess this will be my little spot to talk about my thoughts. i am open to discussion and a light, differing opinion for flavor.

now, for me personally, i have never been one to believe in religion. more specifically, i am not one to believe in a god or creator. i think that our universe came from nothing, became something, and continues to be something, until it becomes nothing again. i just find a creator to be too close to what a human would want to exist.

back to the topic.

i struggle to understand the desire for connection and closeness with others. i try to empathize with people's situations, dealing with love and separation, but i dont think i will ever quite understand it.

what i dont understand? why would someone choose to be close with another person, knowing that their connection will result in separation. assuming that the two forge their bonds for a long while, eventually one will leave the other, right? whether from natural causes, or a falling out, it will happen eventually. i feel like these connections set eachother up for failure, for pain, for the opposite reasons they are created. and if we assume that we will pass before our loved ones, we are willingly putting them in a hurtful situation. isnt that against the goal?

i also find emotional validation a negative concept, which relates to my next question. emotions, at least from my perspective, are the main cause of mistakes, especially in reasoning. we can use a logical fallacy as an example:

- strawman: misrepresenting another's argument to validate your own. what reason would you have to invalidate an argument, without using logic, if not from a personal, emotional bias? how i see it, it can be caused by almost all emotions. happiness will result in overconfidence, anger will result in an unreasonable opposition- just to oppose, and so on.

i see that emotion connection makes people happy, that's reasonable. what i find odd, is placing your reasoning in jeopardy to feel what is most likely a fleeting emotion. lets use marriage as an example:

View attachment 196417

40-50%?! if we are aware that divorce causes significant distress, and we are also aware that ~45% of married couples (in the US, so, i guess you guys in europe/asia/australia/africa/etcetcetc may be luckier) end in divorce, why bother? it seems like a low reward, high risk situation. even more, the joy you receive in return doesn't even improve your judgement. what's the point?

judgement dictates everything controllable in our lives. i find that a very important aspect of my life, and i just cant understand why someone would willingly sacrifice that.

The point is transformation. As a human being nothing transforms you the way a human interaction can (not only human , could be an animal) . Bonding with a living being and experiencing their company, the journey, their loss has the power to transform you, shake you , change you. And if spirituality is to be believed we are all here trying to use this birth for liberation and liberation comes from undergoing experiences. The pathway to the end of desires is paved via these experiences and transformation. It's sad that we have ultimately made the world a place where everything is superficial and there is no depth.