Venting i don't think i can live being trans

[heliumgirl]

like there's definitely trans people that are in a worse situation than mine and they still live and are hopeful, but i don't know if i will ever be happy as a trans woman. i am 20 years old, on hrt (by myself) for almost a year and i still get urges of ctb for not being born female. recently these thoughts have intensified.

for many months i've cried that i lost my feminine childhood and teenage years. i've lost years of living high school as a girl. i've cried many times seeing other girls my age living their life as normal. i've cried just from seeing othee girls my age being beautiful and cute while i am this weird looking guy. i've cried many times for not having a uterus. i could go on and on. i've almost passed out multiple times because of the current genital that i have. and even if i do surgery — which would take years, money that i don't have, and a lot of suffering to get there (when i should just be born with it) — it will never be the same as the real thing. i don't think i will ever be satisfied as a trans woman even if i do everything i can in my transition.

i had to leave college because of dysphoria and social anxiety. i tried presenting myself as a woman but obviously i didn't pass, people looked at me, and seeing other girls my age living college life normally with other girls just hurt so much in my soul, i just can't live like that. i didn't even suffer any direct transphobia, other than people getting my pronouns wrong (obviously because i don't even look like a woman), some people even tried to respect me, even then it was still too much for me. now i stay at home everyday with my mom, like she didn't even kick me out or something i should be grateful for that, i do nothing everyday and now my entire family wants me to get help etc. and i do have a psychologist but it's not helping. my mom still deadnames me from time to time but she isn't transphobic on purpose, my dad on the other hand is a crazy fuck who wants me to get into a psych ward because "i don't leave home" — i do leave home sometimes but i do avoid it whenever i can because it hurts a lot to live as a non-passing trans woman and see other women living normally.

either way, i think even if i had a supporting family and complete transition (neither is completely true at the moment) it would never erase the fact that i was born male. i've lost many years living as someone i wasn't. and there are aspects of being born male that will never change. i will never live in a female body from birth. and i cannot stop thinking of ctb then these thoughts intensify.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Your story is impressive. I can't fully understand it, especially as an elderly person with no experience that I could even follow. But I understand that it must not be easy. In any case, you have a strength that you don't even know how great it is. Nature is indifferent to feelings. It doesn't care about us. We are just thrown here to die. It doesn't matter what kind of pain. What are the chances of each one faced with predatory behavior that is mandatory for survival? Many succumb in the first days of existence due to anomalies of all kinds. We are born attacked by predators such as bacteria, viruses, etc. If immunity is not sufficient, there is no chance. So, obviously, living is a guarantee of suffering of all kinds. I'm sorry for your situation. In truth, we are all victims of life. I am sorry for the terrible accident called life.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I understand how you feel, and I'll admit I'm a little jealous of you, that you started transitioning three years ahead of me, but it's weird. I thought transitioning would save me, or fix me, or be the light at the end of a tunnel, but that never came, and I still feel shit. It's hard for me to put a finger on if my reasons for wanting to kill myself are directly linked with me being transgender. I feel like in some way they have to be, but it's a difficult thing to think about.

But at the same time, it is kind of weird finally transitioning, because I don't know how it is for you, but at least for me, there's a steady road ahead of me, and things are only going in the right direction, but still, it doesn't change the fact that I want to die.

So, I can relate and understand where you're coming from, it's terrible and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[heliumgirl]

I understand how you feel, and I'll admit I'm a little jealous of you, that you started transitioning three years ahead of me, but it's weird. I thought transitioning would save me, or fix me, or be the light at the end of a tunnel, but that never came, and I still feel shit. It's hard for me to put a finger on if my reasons for wanting to kill myself are directly linked with me being transgender. I feel like in some way they have to be, but it's a difficult thing to think about.

But at the same time, it is kind of weird finally transitioning, because I don't know how it is for you, but at least for me, there's a steady road ahead of me, and things are only going in the right direction, but still, it doesn't change the fact that I want to die.

So, I can relate and understand where you're coming from, it's terrible and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

thank you for commenting, and i am also sorry that you need to go through this. i will say i do feel kinda bad that i managed to begin transition quite early and still feel so, so bad, even when some people transition much later and are still happy. worse thing for me is that the pain and dysphoria i feel is not only on the puberty changes, but intrinsic to me and how I was born (as i explain later). i think even if i began transitioning at 12 or something i'd still be sad that i wasn't born female, that i wasn't a cis girl.

i also thought that transitioning would fix everything. but honestly i think it just got worse. because in the beginning i was very hopeful and happy that i was beginning HRT and i also thought that it would make me super happy in my transition. then i began HRT and noticed the pain that I feel is not only the external physical dysphoria, there's so much more than that. obviously it's cool that i am growing boobs and whatever but what really hurts me the most is something that I cannot ever change: I was born male, I lost multiple years of my life living as a man, when I could've been living as a girl, with female friends, experiencing female puberty, menstruation, just everything that a cis girl experiences in life from childhood to teenage years and so on. I could go on and on about this, mentioning every single thing that I wish I could experience and never will. i didn't even mention transphobia or the pain that is seeing other cis girls living normally. either way, i just wanted to be born as a girl and live life as a girl, forever. and now i have a history of being a man, of having a male body, that i can never change. even with many steps that i can still do in my transition (laser, surgery, etc.), due to everything i've mentioned, i question if i will really truly be happy as a woman after all this. honestly in the beginning, along with HRT, i thought that surgery could be what would make me truly happy, but after i noticed all the differences there are between cis female genitalia and the one created from surgery (+ the amount of time, money, and just suffering in general, needed to get there), i lost hope.

edit: i focused on the dysphoria aspect here but i could even make an entire thread on all the shit my dad did (and still does) to me just because i was born male. my two main reasons for ctb currently are definitely the dysphoria of not being born female, along with all the shit my dad does. in some way both are related, because i am pretty sure i wouldn't have suffered the things i suffered from my dad if i was born female. but that's something i try to avoid thinking about.

 

[CookieNiji]

like there's definitely trans people that are in a worse situation than mine and they still live and are hopeful, but i don't know if i will ever be happy as a trans woman. i am 20 years old, on hrt (by myself) for almost a year and i still get urges of ctb for not being born female. recently these thoughts have intensified.

for many months i've cried that i lost my feminine childhood and teenage years. i've lost years of living high school as a girl. i've cried many times seeing other girls my age living their life as normal. i've cried just from seeing othee girls my age being beautiful and cute while i am this weird looking guy. i've cried many times for not having a uterus. i could go on and on. i've almost passed out multiple times because of the current genital that i have. and even if i do surgery — which would take years, money that i don't have, and a lot of suffering to get there (when i should just be born with it) — it will never be the same as the real thing. i don't think i will ever be satisfied as a trans woman even if i do everything i can in my transition.

i had to leave college because of dysphoria and social anxiety. i tried presenting myself as a woman but obviously i didn't pass, people looked at me, and seeing other girls my age living college life normally with other girls just hurt so much in my soul, i just can't live like that. i didn't even suffer any direct transphobia, other than people getting my pronouns wrong (obviously because i don't even look like a woman), some people even tried to respect me, even then it was still too much for me. now i stay at home everyday with my mom, like she didn't even kick me out or something i should be grateful for that, i do nothing everyday and now my entire family wants me to get help etc. and i do have a psychologist but it's not helping. my mom still deadnames me from time to time but she isn't transphobic on purpose, my dad on the other hand is a crazy fuck who wants me to get into a psych ward because "i don't leave home" — i do leave home sometimes but i do avoid it whenever i can because it hurts a lot to live as a non-passing trans woman and see other women living normally.

either way, i think even if i had a supporting family and complete transition (neither is completely true at the moment) it would never erase the fact that i was born male. i've lost many years living as someone i wasn't. and there are aspects of being born male that will never change. i will never live in a female body from birth. and i cannot stop thinking of ctb then these thoughts intensify.

Very few words that means a lot ... I feel you
I never imagined transitioning, that for sure wouldn't be accepted in my family, but I always dreamt about being born female ... My english is very limited so I won't be able to express as much as you, but I feel you and I admire you and your strong will for taking this step forward