i don’t know what to do with my life

[iwantdeath6969]

i was watching a video about psychological horror, and it made me think about how my own life terrifies me. i have bpd and have been doing really badly with it, i have screaming breakdowns pretty often and in general hate myself more than i can even explain. my entire life is devoted to trying to hurt myself more, and i hurt myself physically as much as i possibly can. i want to ctb so badly not just out of sadness and hopelessness but also just genuine pure hatred towards myself, as a lot of other people on here probably also feel.

a lot of things have been happening in my family's lives, a lot of loss over the past year or two (one of it being a ctb as well), so i feel like i should wait a while now so that my family isn't hurt even more. i also don't want to hurt my partner. i don't want to wait but i feel like i should for at least a few months so they aren't going through so much at once.

i just have no idea how to keep living when i'm torturing myself so much. i dont want to stop, which is why i want to ctb so bad, but if i have to be alive i don't know how to change my lifestyle. it isn't sustainable to live the way i do, and i really don't know how to change my mindset when i feel like i deserve this so much, and i enjoy doing this to myself. has anyone ever figured out how to live a better life? or does anyone have any advice for me? anything is appreciated

 

[Mirrory Me]

Maybe it would be good to think that where did you learn the habit of being cruel to yourself, and dealing with it rationally.

For example, you were punished when you were little, and you wanted to punish yourself to make it look like you were sorry.

 

[aSilentVoice]

I'm sorry about what you're going through @iwantdeath6969 . That's selfless and compassionate of you to be thinking of your family and partner while you are in so much pain. I don't have BPD, but have sometimes punished myself through self-sabotaging behavior and have felt like I don't deserve to be happy or successful. I used to think that hating and shaming myself was the most effective way to get me to change. I thought if i "went easy" on myself, that i would be lazy and my faults would get worse. But I have found that being kind to myself has actually worked better. Treating myself like I would a loved one instead of how a pirate captain treats his crew.

Some things that have helped me - working on forgiving myself, stop ruminating, connecting with others, taking a magnesium supplement my doctor recommended (Life Extension Neuro-Mag Magnesium L-Threonate on Amazon if you're interested), exercising, getting more omega-3 in my diet (fish and chia seeds are a good sources or taking a supplement) going outside and getting some sun and/or taking a vitamin D supplement, getting enough and good quality sleep, staying hydrated, eating a variety a foods, doing things (hobbies) that make me happy, not withdrawing when I'm depressed, limiting how much I listen to music that makes me feel negatively, taking breaks from social media, and sometimes actively focusing on others and how I can help them or make their day better.

Therapists can be hit or miss. 2 of the ones I saw, really helped me. Medications can also be mixed. The 2 I'm currently on help, but I have to keep the doses low or I get really bad nightmares.

A movie recommendation - A Silent Voice (it might still be on Netflix)
A book recommendation - The Depression Cure : The 6 - Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs by Ilardi

I hope this helps and doesn't come across as preachy or overwhelming. I sometimes pick 1-3 areas to work on at a time. Wishing you the best.