Hi, long time lurker, first time poster.
I think I'm just about done. I don't know how much longer I can do this and I know I'm going to want out sooner rather than later. CPTSD due to 16 years of parental abuse, sexual assault/rape at 18, got into a relationship with an abusive alcoholic for 5 years. I finally had my life figured out the last few years, or so I thought. I went to school, got a degree in a good field I thought I enjoyed, and met the love of my life. We have two beautiful, amazing cats and a wonderful apartment.
I had a breakdown last year because I hated my job and the suppressed trauma floodgates opened, was hospitalized in the psych ward, and it's just been downhill ever since. I got a life-changing, incredibly rare medical diagnosis in December after feeling sick for all of 2024. I've undergone multiple major surgeries (one was almost 8 hours long) and repeated hospitalizations for complications since then. We don't know how long this is going to go on, but it's been over a year and a half of feeling like this for me. Every day I wake up and I'm scared I'm going to have to go to the ER because of a fever or infection or uncontrollable pain.
My boyfriend is so wonderful to me and would go to the ends of the earth just to see me smile. I love him so much and I wish I could be better for him. But the meds don't work, the therapy doesn't work, the intensive treatment doesn't work. I'm just exhausted. I can't keep doing this to him anymore. He deserves better than having to financially and emotionally support someone that's so broken. I love my cats so much too. They are one of the best things that have ever happened to me. It breaks my heart to know I need to leave him and them.
I know I'm too much for him. He says he has to watch what I say because my emotional regulation is so poor. I hate that I've put him in this position. He doesn't deserve to feel trapped with a black hole like me. I don't see my mental health getting any better. I've felt like this since I was 14. It ebbs and flows, but it's always there. I don't contribute anything to anyone's life in a positive manner. I don't have my own family. I just rely on my boyfriend's family and they're so good to me and also don't deserve to have to deal with this mess. I am a perpetual burden. And I want to remove myself from that role.
My question is regarding injection. As I said, I have severe, rare health issues - These require around the clock opioid therapy. Since I'm "responsible" and don't misuse, my doctor trusts me to give me a month's supply at one time. I have huge bottles of oxycodone and oxycontin waiting for me at the pharmacy (like, enough to kill an elephant). And my brain won't stop thinking about buying needles and syringes and just getting it done in a peaceful manner while I have the chance. I can crush the pills into water and be gone just like that.
I just can't do it anymore. I really want out. So I'm exploring my options for if and or when the time comes. If anyone has any advice on how to approach this situation: Dosage, whatever, so I can make a good, successful plan, I would really appreciate it. I also have Klonopin if that's helpful at all.
Thank you.
I think I'm just about done. I don't know how much longer I can do this and I know I'm going to want out sooner rather than later. CPTSD due to 16 years of parental abuse, sexual assault/rape at 18, got into a relationship with an abusive alcoholic for 5 years. I finally had my life figured out the last few years, or so I thought. I went to school, got a degree in a good field I thought I enjoyed, and met the love of my life. We have two beautiful, amazing cats and a wonderful apartment.
I had a breakdown last year because I hated my job and the suppressed trauma floodgates opened, was hospitalized in the psych ward, and it's just been downhill ever since. I got a life-changing, incredibly rare medical diagnosis in December after feeling sick for all of 2024. I've undergone multiple major surgeries (one was almost 8 hours long) and repeated hospitalizations for complications since then. We don't know how long this is going to go on, but it's been over a year and a half of feeling like this for me. Every day I wake up and I'm scared I'm going to have to go to the ER because of a fever or infection or uncontrollable pain.
My boyfriend is so wonderful to me and would go to the ends of the earth just to see me smile. I love him so much and I wish I could be better for him. But the meds don't work, the therapy doesn't work, the intensive treatment doesn't work. I'm just exhausted. I can't keep doing this to him anymore. He deserves better than having to financially and emotionally support someone that's so broken. I love my cats so much too. They are one of the best things that have ever happened to me. It breaks my heart to know I need to leave him and them.
I know I'm too much for him. He says he has to watch what I say because my emotional regulation is so poor. I hate that I've put him in this position. He doesn't deserve to feel trapped with a black hole like me. I don't see my mental health getting any better. I've felt like this since I was 14. It ebbs and flows, but it's always there. I don't contribute anything to anyone's life in a positive manner. I don't have my own family. I just rely on my boyfriend's family and they're so good to me and also don't deserve to have to deal with this mess. I am a perpetual burden. And I want to remove myself from that role.
My question is regarding injection. As I said, I have severe, rare health issues - These require around the clock opioid therapy. Since I'm "responsible" and don't misuse, my doctor trusts me to give me a month's supply at one time. I have huge bottles of oxycodone and oxycontin waiting for me at the pharmacy (like, enough to kill an elephant). And my brain won't stop thinking about buying needles and syringes and just getting it done in a peaceful manner while I have the chance. I can crush the pills into water and be gone just like that.
I just can't do it anymore. I really want out. So I'm exploring my options for if and or when the time comes. If anyone has any advice on how to approach this situation: Dosage, whatever, so I can make a good, successful plan, I would really appreciate it. I also have Klonopin if that's helpful at all.
Thank you.
