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orpheus_

orpheus_

Member
Apr 26, 2024
37
I've been only trying to "recover" and stay on this earth for one person who needs me. We used to be (a kind of?) lovers, now... Probably more like just friends. But they were the only person I ever really mattered to. They are disabled in many ways, mostly due to mental health issues; need help with many things and don't easily trust other people. For me life is hard, but since getting on antidepressants I've been functional and able to do basic things. I am their only hope. Quite ironically, just some dumb suicidal college student. But still someone. Someone they can trust. I hoped they would find their way to being independent, but over time I saw there's no chance. They have nobody besides me, and can't live by themselves because of severe disabilities. I see.. that their situation is getting worse and worse. Their mental and physical health is worsening, trapping them in a place they can't get out of. And I know they want to live, but not a life like that. I know they will most likely CTB soon. We have talked about it a few times, and I know they are able to do it and have already had one failed attempt. I have seen that option for a few moths now, but now.. I feel like it will happen in the coming weeks. Maybe even days. Maybe we won't even see each other again because right now we're both in our family homes, far away, their parents don't allow me to visit and they cannot leave the house by themselves because of severe phobias.

I don't know if it will even be worth living when they're gone. Life feels pointless anyway. I've been only holding on because I knew my friend wanted a good life. Someone close, someone who could help them. It's just that I want to be useful to someone.

I've been trying to recover for the past months, just for them, to get better so I wouldn't spontaneously CTB one day. Trying to make my life bearable, so I can be more useful, more productive. Taking meds. Going to therapy. Trying to have a life, going to college, even. But it all feels like one huge lie, a facade I've been only keeping up for them. Because deep inside I know nothing matters, and life is either deeply painful for me, or deeply boring. Like my brain is simply not made to run that program called consciousness.

At the same time through these last months I regained that small bit of wanting to live, something that... Just wants to see this world. Do things. I don't know how since I still logically know life is just meaningless suffering, but I guess that little animal in me just doesn't really want to die anymore. But still it's not enough to keep it all together, and the only reason why I'm not proceeding with my CTB plan is my friend and the fact they need me. Because for every other person, I'm easily replaceable. Maybe they would even be relieved if I disappeared. And I cannot live for myself, that's just too much effort for nothing. What would be good for me personally is a peaceful death, in my apartment, high on benzos with warm light on and my favorite music in the background. Probably painful, too, but I'm desensitized to pain anyways.

I feel sorry for my friend and I probably shouldn't focus so much for myself. It's just... I see they have no option other than death. I'm already hopeless and I know they are too. I see their fears limit them so much that they will simply not overcome their problems. And it's fucking tragic, because I know they want to live. To be happy, to go on walks through the woods, to feel the cold air, to eat their favorite food and just have a calm, stable life. For me all of that doesn't matter. I have everything, yet I'm miserable for no reason. I wish I could give them my life.

I just don't know if it will be worth it staying in this world when my friend dies. Probably not. I will be useless. But there's still that dumb little animal in me that doesn't want to die. Is it survival instinct? Or something that I accidentally brought to life when trying to get better? I'm seriously thinking about going off meds, so maybe it will be easier to end it when I need to.

I don't even know if I should post it in suicide discussion or recovery section because I can't decide. Well. In the end I probably will be trying to live because of that goddamn dumb little animal inside who's afraid of death.
 
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