Help I dont know how to escape, please help with suggestions

[jay_y]

I'm a very unfortunate human, one that should've never been born at all. I'm only 20 and my life and my has been destroyed by psychiatrists in only 1,5 years.
I was a healthy 18 years old, polydrugged by psychiatrists for some situational panic attacks with high tachycardia(3 meds at the same time). I am abnormally sensitive to these chemicals. The smalles doses have a high effect on me and I develope physical dependence in a blink of an eye. I suffered on the treatment(physical pain, hallucinations, burning etc) on top of that my body developed dependence quickly to the "treatment". When I tried to stop the antipsychotic after a few weeks I entered hell. I thought I won't come alive. The withdrawal traumatised me, I went back to reach for help to get off the rest of the drugs. Psychiatrists didn't help me, wanted only to give me more meds, telling me withdrawal is not real, and threatened me with psych ward. I tried on my own for more than a year to taper slowly the rest of the drugs, as advised by many online forums. I got better and better, I started loving life like I never did before, even though I was suffering so much in the whole process. I thought patience and time would help me. Nobody told me that in my poor country I won't have the resources to taper the last med safely, that being Xanax, a drug which is illegal in many countries. I jumped too early off the drug at the end, on a dose that is considered quite small, because I felt I wasn't able to taper correctly anymore, having a lot of weird reactions to the medication. I tried Diazepam but I got akathisia, tried water titration but it was so so hard with the short half life. I was advised online by some people to just drop it faster for my healing to begin because my dose was quite low. My mother wanted me free from the torture, other family members as well. It was Christmas. I was so overwhelmed as it was my second Christmas where I couldn't participate. I stupidly gave in, not knowing what came next could be possible. What happened after the jump should've not happen. I didn't know something like this is possible. Something very very wrong happened to my brain. My whole body seems to burts with inflammation from every cell, I'm am in complete agony for the past almost 2 months, and I started to go mentally insane from the physical pain that no painkiller can reduce. I am tortured alive everyday in complete physical and mental agony. I lost everything I got back in the months prior. My dear poor mom is not able to calm me down. I became an agressive monster, a small girl acting like a monster, begging my mom to end me. No mother should hear this. But I can't control myself anymore. I did my fight for her especially, I don't want to part ways with her but my suffering is beyond human limits. I would want to stay forever in her warm embrace, but my body and brain doesnt let me. Even she told me that my pain resembles those of cancer patients on their last days when medication is not enough. More drugs will only harm me more, there's no cure than time for withdrawal but I just can't anymore with the intensity of my physical torture . I am mentally so worn out that I started yelling and hitting myself. I look like a perfect canditate for psych wards where theyll pump me with antipsychotics because my acting resembles mania. On top of that Ive aleardy stayed home for almost 2 years, right? No way the medication could cause so big pain that I want to end everything right, I must lie and be insane right? Small doses could never do this, right? I have never found someone online like me from withdrawals so I have no way proving them this. Nobody understands how great my body torture is. I can't pass a single more day like this. My body is squizzing me alive with spasms, constractions, bone, muscle pain, burning, acid feeling in blood vessels, electricity, that is so deep that is beyond comprehension. I am bursting with rage screaming and hitting myself. My mom massages me over and over and it does nothing. Heat makes everything worse as my body has high inflammation everywhere. Topical creams barely do something for 5-10 minutes. Orals as well. I have no relief for it, I cannot relax in bed, I'm tense and in pain that is beyond human condition. I can't sleep. I am exhausted. I am in a hell I never imagined possible on this earth. Many psych med injured people recover, but my intensity of symptoms is abnormal, I cant last anymore like this and I cannot live knowing this kind of thing is possible on earth. Every memory, every little thing makes my heart bleed as I can't reach them anymore. I aleardy started to have a life review. My heart aches over and over as I don't want to part ways with my mom, she's the most pure soul there could be, but I cannot let myslef be tortured in a psych ward because their meds won't stop the pain, I'm sensitive to low doses of drugs and I cannot have more agony. I wish I could be the one sitting next to her at the end of her life, spending years in her warm embrace. I want to be her little timid girl, she raised alone forever. But her warm embrace is not able to calm me anymore, and my heart aches and aches even more. I want to be alive for her but I can't I can't. Why would God give me this? I can't sleep, I cant breathe, I speak weirdly, my head, eyes, stomach, intestines, every limb and bone is exploding with inflammation, pain, burning, I cant tolerate sounds, lights, foods, supplements, car movement, my own hormones, other people and so many other symptoms and inhumane sensations and I mentally lost myself. These 2 past months seemed like an eternity. I have to do something before is too late, I already can't control myself anymore and I don't know how I'll mange to escape but I have to try, before I am lost completely. Before jumping the medication I was full of hope and power, knowing I have a family to support me in this journey. But the unknown happened and I'm suffering more than I ever found someone online from these withdrawals. It's torture, torture, torture. I want to be with mom, I would want to be more than a human to her, to have unlimited powers but I can't, I'm just a human. I'm destroying her soul, I am everything she has, but I can't I can't anymore. Big pharma and psychiatry destroyed a young adult, full of dreams and love, who only wanted to make her mother happy. I only needed a heart med to stop my panic attacks but instead they destroyed my brain. I fighted for almost 2 years only to be tortured by fate in a inhumane way at the end. I want my life back but I can't have it anymore. I have no power left to fight and my brain screams at me telling me it wants to rest.

The problem is, I'm supervised by my parents, I live in a village, I'm disabled so I can't leave my house, I have little to no force to aquire any material. If I do something I have to be sure 100% I'm not failing as I aleardy have brain damage. How can I do this when I have almost no materials?? God I can't even leave this world. I want to escape fast but I don't know how???? And I'm losing my sanity as days pass because of this pain that only those on the death bed might feel.
Please help I don't know how to escape!!!

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Sounds like your life was ruined by drug dealing "therapists". I'm very sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this extreme torture and suffering in existing, I wish there's the option to just simply cease existing in peace and never suffer ever again. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you search for.

 

[ninonino1]

You are very severe and there aren't many as severe, but I was like you. It does get better, but that is small comfort when even trying to survive the next SECOND, let alone minute or hour or day, seems beyond impossible. Have you looked at "Living with akathisia" facebook group? Also, can you reinstate the benzo? It might help.

 

[jay_y]

Is not akathisia I'm fighting, I had that before and I woulve survived that, but I'm battling constant muscle contractions, and such an intense muscle, joint, bone pain that you see only in last stage cancer patiens. Nothing I do is stopping the pain. I don't know what happened, I never heard another case similar to mine. It's even worse the second month of withdrawal. Every day that passes is me more insane because I'm experiencing raw severe pain unmedicated. On top of that I feel like suffocating constantly. I'm in a poor country, in a poor family, and no matter how much my mother loves me she won't be able to bear me as I'm quickly losing my mind. I became a monster who spells ugly things to her, because of my constant suffering. She doesn't deserve this. And I don't know how to escape faster because no doctor will belive me because I had such low doses that this shouldn't have been possible. I will only be given psychiatric pills and become a vegetable in huge pain.

I don't understand how my case is even medically possible. I want to escape, my trauma is too much and this torture is not lessening. Its like my own body is destroying itself with excess inflammation from every pore and being raped every day.

I have a body of water somewhat close to me but I have to wait for a time frame when no one is home. Other people might see me as well because is an agriculture field. I would escape at night but its a small house and Im gonna be heard, and they wake up several times. But I could catch a few hours alone someday and hope the people in the field wont pay too much attention to me. The only thing is that the water is freezing cold at this time. And even in April or May it will be extremely cold because is a deep water canal. I hate cold water, I don't want to die like this, especially since this kind of temperature preserves the body. But what choice do I have????I don't even have access to my attic anymore, they put a huge wardrobe outside the entrance and I don't even know where the ladder is. I don't even have a rope. I can't even escape this what should I do.....I have to do it before they inject me with something and I won't be able to walk anymore.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

You're definitely not alone. I've been through something similar and I've heard many other anecdotes of people going through similar on podcasts on YouTube where they criticize psychiatry and go through patient stories and reports.
I was on Latuda some years ago, lowest dose possible, but I am also extremely sensitive to drugs (and everything rly) and it destroyed my life completely for I think around 6-9 months. I had to be supervised and cared for by my parents and mostly laid in bed day after day because the withdrawals took that long for me to subside. Doctors and whatever, didn't tell me about this risk or even knew about it, but online I found other people reporting the same for this drug.

Knowing what I know now, though, I wouldn't have quit it like I did, and you ideally want to taper it down, slowly, to the point where you actually want to compound the med yourself because even a few mg (in some patients) can make a big difference between feeling "okay" and feeling awful, and the lower you get the harder it gets, as taper from say 1000mg down to 500mg is easier, but say "10mg" to "5mg" is really hard, as meds generally don't go that low (depending on what you're taking, so take numbers with a grain of salt, just for illustrative purposes) because this risk isn't accounted for most of the time, and frankly, they assume you'll be on X drug for the rest of your life.

I honestly don't know what to do in your situation. Ideally find some healthcare practitioner that isn't plugged into the sickcare system, but actually looks at the patient as a whole and what the root causes are, but they can be hard, if not impossible to find where you live sadly, and then there's the whole cost involved as well.
Alternatively try to spread your story to some doctors online who work in a similar way and see if they could perhaps help you in some way, but there's also risk involved there, obviously, in more ways than one.