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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

I have finally found my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
5,796
I just don't. I like to fantasise about death a lot but I don't think that I have the courage or endurance to actually kill myself. With every passing moment, I feel a desperate urge to be dead as I can feel more and more responsibilities piling up on me. Gradually, my parents want me to be more responsible and to be more active. Gradually, society wants me to be responsible and to be a wage slave. I can't take it anymore. I'm going insane from having to tackle with so much. Due to my autism, I'm extremely sensitive to suffering, pain and pressure so I can't handle much on my plate. My head feels dizzy from just washing the dishes.

I need to kill myself sooner or later as I'm going to go insane from all of the responsibilities piling up on me. I hate that life requires so much effort. Because I get worn down easily from having to deal with life related shit, I know that I'm also going to get worn down easily from having to deal with a suicide attempt.

In truth, the most comfortable thing for me to do is to avoid suicide and avoid responsibilities as much as I can. However, I can't avoid responsibilities if I don't die. I need to go against my "path of least resistance" mindset if I'm going to actually kill myself but... I just can't. I hate this. I'm forced to survive against my will because I don't have the courage to end it all.

I'm going insane. I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown soon from having to deal with so much in life. I get extreme headaches almost everyday from just being stressed at the thought of dealing with being an adult. I don't know how to go from passive suicidality to active suicidality. I don't want to be forced to survive through my life for as long as possible. I want it to end early so that I can be freed from the cruel fate of being a human. I think that it's unethical to force me to stay alive when I get so easily overwhelmed at life.

I wish I had the courage to end it all but I know I don't and that makes me so depressed and stressed
 
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tsykoais

tsykoais

i can't drown my demons they know how to swim
Apr 9, 2023
132
I wish I had the courage to end it all but I know I don't and that makes me so depressed and stressed
it truly sucks, being so tired yet not being able to sleep when you didn't ask to be woken up in the first place. sending you love <3
 
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drag201

drag201

Member
Oct 15, 2023
76
This is exactly what I've been feeling! You worded it perfectly. I don't have the courage to do it either. I have the resources and knowledge but everytime I think about it it fills me with anxiety and stress. But not as much as living does, I relate to being so sensitive about all these responsibilities pile on you and just feeling cornered by everything. I don't wanna deal with any of them either. But I know I can't just continue to be alive and avoid them, the only way I can avoid all of life is well, by ending it. But I can't. I don't know whats holding me back. Best wishes to you, and I hope you're doing well.
 
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C

CantDoIt

Elementalist
Jul 18, 2024
874
I am going thru the same thing. I know I won't be happy but I can't stop prolonging my existence. I have a lot of fear of dying but living is 100 percent going to be worse. I hate it so much.
 
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Wolf Girl

Wolf Girl

Your friendly neighborhood suicidal wolf girl
Jun 12, 2024
275
I'm a 32yo autist with a job. It makes me want to die too. I'm super sorry you're going through this. Any chance of getting on disability and into government housing? Idk what it's like where you live.
 
grungy自殺

grungy自殺

Better to cease
Jan 9, 2024
152
I'm pretty much in concordance with this


Though in my case although i have moments where i don;t think about death in ways that would make me think that ctb is the answer,

The majority of the time unconsciously (or at least when i'm pretty distracted from the harshness of life making me more miserable and constantly hearing those pro lifers preaching with platitudinous advice about life being too amazing to die and should you believe what you got because you have the power to make your choice)

I often have the deep seated belief that it's unbearable to go on if the problems that i have are barely fixed and i'm at an age where it's futile to do so because of vicious stigma as most of my issues are mainly from my upbringing and my whole adolescence years (ages 13 -19) and most people would judge me among the lines of me being pathetic because these issues are childish shit and i'm an adult


I really get so sick of it, and it pushes me to a point where i would want to imagine what would it be like when i'm dead so i'll don't have to face reality anymore

It's hard to ease my nerves on the depression that i'm having that there's reasons to do it and reasons maybe not to do it, but since i keep on getting mood swings of myself in my interpersonal relationships with others in my head. I would think that ending it would solve that issue on hand.

In ways to enforce me that it's the way, I've set a date for my ctb and that itself comforts me that during times when i'm impulsively thinking about seriously wanting to kill myself, i would vent it in a certain private spot that no one would hear and know what kind of things i'll be saying (such as me lamenting my depression and loneliness about my hatred on existing) this way i'll have complete reassurance that although i'll wont die at this moment, i will die at a later date that i'll feel at least satisfied with the time i've spent living in this world and the overall wisdom i've gained from it (even though i don't really see the value of existing, for myself)
 
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