After reading your this and previous post, I'm not gonna tell you how to feel, And I'm neither a medical professional so I'm not diagnosing, but
Your wish to CTB is You wanting your suffering to end, as far as I have seen in your posts.
It is always the Rapists Fault as many might have told you, and I agree It's always the Rapists Fault, You're not at fault I know you said in your previous post you don't wanna hear anything about it, I apologise but you know
As you also show the signs of Low Self esteem and Also have a low sense of self. You wanna put all on yourself, while you are hurting you still think about helping other people I don't think you're useless or at fault, but it is more than that.
This situation of yours, This sounds like a Trauma Bond,
"Carnes defined trauma bonding as
"dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation" and considered it one of nine possible reactions to a traumatic situation."
[ Additional context to know : The term trauma bonding was coined by Patrick Carnes, PhD, CAS in 1997. Carnes is a specialist in addiction therapy and the founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). He shared the theory of trauma bonding in a presentation called "Trauma Bonds, Why People Bond To Those That Hurt Them." ]"
This is taken from : [
Link to the article. ]
"A true trauma bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, and otherwise tries to make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person. "
"A trauma bond can form when a person abuses another person physically, emotionally and/or sexually, says John Tholen, Ph.D."
"It can also occur through psychological abuse, too.
Two infamous examples of trauma bonding are the 1973 hostage crisis at a Swedish bank that led to the term Stockholm Syndrome and the 1974 Patty Hearst kidnapping, says Dr. Tholen.
In the first example, an escaped convict held four bank employees hostage in Stockholm, Sweden. Upon being rescued six days later, the hostages had sympathized with their captor and displayed negative feelings toward the police who were there to help them.
The next year, Patty Hearst, heir to the Hearst newspaper empire, was abducted from her home by members of the Symbionese Liberation Army (SLA). Over the course of her two-month-long abduction, Hearst was blindfolded, held in isolation and sexually abused, according to The Crime Museum in Washington, D.C. By the end of her kidnapping, Hearst had changed her name, taken part in a bank robbery with her captors, claimed to support SLA and their efforts and denied that she was being brainwashed."
[This is taken from : [
Link to the article.]]
"What are the signs of trauma bonding?
1. Denial of red flags
"One common theme is for the victims to deny the red flags or not acknowledge the bad elements of the relationship," says Duke.
"And usually, other people in their lives are seeing it."
In your case you denying to report him while many people telling you to report him, and trying to rationalise it by saying "he's young and has a life you don't want to take from him"
2. Isolation and secrecy
"Additionally, Duke says that trauma bonding can lead to isolation, as the person experiencing abuse may withdraw and separate from friends and family."
3. Justification of an abuser's actions
"Another major sign of trauma bonding is justifying an abuser's actions. If you're experiencing abuse, this can be a way to self-soothe and reconcile with your situation."
"You have to rationalize that dissonance when you're in a relationship like this," points out Duke.
This may take the form of making excuses for the abusive behavior, such as thinking about the stress the abuser is under or focusing on the good moments in the relationship."
This is taken from : [
Link to the article.]
This, you are literally pushing your comfort away and taking blame, he is the rapist, it's all his fault. Again I'm sorry as you mentioned in your post you don't wanna hear anything about this but, that's just what is happening.
Here's another list from a different article,
"So, what are signs of trauma bonding? They include the following:
1. An abuse victim covers up or makes excuses to others for an abuser's behavior
2. An abuse victim lies to friends or family about the abuse
3. A victim doesn't feel comfortable with or able to leave the abusive situation
4. An abuse victim thinks the abuse is their fault
5. The abuse follows a cycle (i.e., the abuser tries to make up for an abusive incident)
6. The abuser promises they'll change but they never do
7. The abuser controls the victim (i.e., manipulation or gaslighting)
8. The abuser isolates the victim from friends and family
9. The abuser gets friends and family on their side
10. The victim continues to trust the abuser"
"Trauma bonding can occur in any situation of abuse, no matter how long or short an amount of time it lasts."
"There are many types of abusive situations in which trauma bonding can occur, and emotional attachments are common in abusive situations.
Trauma bonds are nothing to be ashamed of, as they result from our brains looking for survival methods. Also referred to as paradoxical attachment, this phenomenon can occur due to a wide variety of situations.
Here are the
most common ones:
-Domestic abuse
-Incest
-Kidnapping
-
Sexual abuse
-Cults
-Elder abuse
-Human trafficking"
[This is taken from : [
Link to the article.] ]
You can see, so many of the 10 points in all of your posts, and for this one we can literally see number 4 and 5.
This weird sense of love you describe towards him, is a Trauma response, as far as I can see and I believe you can see it too now. You saying you love him and can't leave him is this, literally a Trauma Bond.
I know going to Authorities is hard, but please please at least report him Anonymously or something.
After what he did to you, I'm sorry for putting that I know it's triggering and you're worried about you hurting him? It's his own fault. Trauma makes it extremely hard and uncomfortable for you. But you have to break away from it.
You saying your world revolve around your ex, going back to him is again a Trauma Bond response. You need to learn to put blame on others too.
And here we can see trauma bonding, can be result of Sexual Abuse. I'm again saying I'm no professional, but all these things line up almost perfectly in your case.
"Trauma bonds have severe detrimental effects on the victim. Some long-term impacts of trauma bonding include remaining in abusive relationships, adverse mental health outcomes like low self-esteem and negative self-image, an increased likelihood of depression and bipolar disorder, and perpetuating a generational cycle of abuse.
Victims who develop trauma bonds are often unable or unwilling to leave these relationships. Many abuse victims who experience trauma bonding return to the abusive relationship."
" Trauma bonding is used to solidify this type of relationship by rationalizing and/or minimizing a violent partner's behavior,
self-blame, and reporting love in the context of fear. "
"Owing to the debilitating psychological manipulation involved in the development of a trauma bond,
abused people tend to stay in abusive relationships, mainly because the perceived consequences of leaving the relationship seem far more negative than the consequences of staying in the abusive relationship"
These are from Wikipedia.
"The person being abused may feel conflicting feelings like shame, love, self-blame, terror, relief, anxiety, gratitude, and fear towards the perpetrator. They often feel responsible for the feelings of the person who is hurting them and may try to continually please or appease the abuser," says Kwong. This makes it even more difficult to break the bond."
[This is from : [
Link to the article.] ]
Again I'm not diagnosing but this seems too similar to your situation, I'm sorry if I'm assuming too much, with knowing only too little. But this Self-Blame you put on yourself and Humanising him and saying that you will "ruin his life" When in reality there is no one who ruined his life except he himself, Crying on phone and saying don't suicide to you is just him trying to soothe any amount of guilt he has or worse just manipulating you cause he knows that, you won't report him to police if he does this "Oh! I feel so bad" by him. And you trusting him that he won't do this again, you can read that the abused trust the abuser again and again in a Trauma Bond, and how will you know if he hurt any other women? Be it in past, or future, what if he does this often and has done it before. Hell he deserves hell for hurting you alone. You deserve to not be hurt like that, You saying I'm gonna CTB anyways doesn't make you any less of a full human. Or deserving of justice. You deserve justice.
If I'm being blunt and honest with you, If he had so much guilt he would've CTB. But rather than doing that he's here making excuse for his pathetic rapist self, Who shouldn't be alive. Or at least free.
I'm sorry when I'm saying this is literally you, I'm sorry if I'm telling you what to feel or sounding manipulative or telling you what it is, I'm just trying to put what I think is happening and has have happened to you as you can see all this applying to your situation.
This is from your post I'm not quoting all of your posts I will if you want me to, but doing this as an example, as you can see :
"He victimised himself, he believes that because he committed the act, the guilt of having done so is worse then the trauma of having it inflicted on you. I comforted him, I told him everything is going to be okay. I gave myself half of the blame to lighten his load, to make him feel better about it all."
This hit all, or so many nails on points, that him believing his "guilt" is more than your Trauma is bullshit. This him playing the victim. I personally see this as manipulative.
"1. Overidentifying with the abuser (I'm the only one who understands him etc.)
2. Feeling indebted to the abuser, need to be part of him
3. Feeling that the abuser needs me
4. protecting, minimising, explaining and denying the abuser's behaviour (rationalisation)
5. Content attitude: Allowing the abuser to be content and pleasing him to make him happy
6. Protecting the abuser, abandoning my needs for his needs
7. Wearing multiple hats/roles for the abuser without questioning it
8. Covering my own emotions in front of the abuser in order to not upset him
9. Desiring the abusers attention and affection so much that I'm ignoring my own psychological needs"
These 9 points are from a YouTube comment.
You can most glaringly see number 4, 5, 6, 8. And I'm sure you can see other things applying too.
"It's understandable to say nice things about the people you care about. You may miss them when they're not around and advocate for them when they need support.
But trauma bonding is different. The kindness and commitment you offer come at the expense of your well-being."
I highly suggest you read these articals and watch videos and see others experience at least online with Trauma Bonding to understand your situation. These are just some parts taken from these articals, and you should read these for yourself to understand your feelings, I highly highly suggest therapy. if you cannot go to therapy, I'm gonna sound cliché but you have to love yourself any amount, even starting from a little bit, and to rely on positive outside sources really real trusted family members etc, I know it's easier said then done, but self hate will only push you further down.
So sorry all this happened to you, you deserve so much better. You say your existence cause so much pain to others but you don't see the pain that you suffer which has lead you to this extreme self hate and even here again sorry for assuming, but your pain is valid.
Don't think you're pathetic for forming a Trauma Bond as
"It may be difficult to understand how someone in such a terrible situation like one of the above could have feelings of love, dependence, or concern for the person or people abusing them. While you may not understand it if you've never been in a situation yourself that involved cyclical abuse, it's pretty straightforward.
The bond forms out of the basic human need for attachment as a means of survival. From there, an abuse victim may become dependent on their abuser. Add in a cycle in which an abuser promises never to repeat the abuse and gains the victim's trust repeatedly, and you have a complex emotional situation that affects even people who seem very emotionally strong."
[This is taken from :
Link to the article.]
(Sorry if I didn't provide any link to some part or Wrongly quoted anything in any way, or linked the wrong article.
Majority of the things, I'm presenting are from real professionals. You can can see that by going into article, thus the source are presented. You are not alone who have suffered many have, this is not to undermine your pain but to show that you're not alone in your suffering.
I suggest you read this, [
Link to article.]
It has links for "next steps" it talks about positive self talk and self care.
Recognising this abuse and accepting it to not being your fault can be the first step.)
You are not to blame for your attachment towards your abuser, and that you can and I believe in you will heal from it. And to answer your question once again yes you deserve to be loved, you being abused by people is NOT your fault, and abuse shaping you in any way is neither. You are more than your Trauma and bad experiences.
I apologise if any of this sounded, that I was showing pity of anything like that I was not showing pity, It's just no one deserves to be going through anything like this.
I'm so sorry, that you have to go through any of it at all.
