Venting I can’t think of an amusing title

[lastsunset]

I wanna do it now. It feels like if I don't do it now I won't do it the upcoming few weeks and then in 3 months I will be back where I am right now. I hate that my dad has the keys to my apartment. I hate that there is no way to peacefully go. I hate my short form addiction and the fact that I can't even focus on reading methods because my brain is literally fried. I hate that if you don't participate in society and stay home you lose your fucking mind but if you go out and get a job you can and most probably will lose your mind too because you're a slave to the system & routine and become a walking zombie. I hate that I gave away my SN to my dad to "protect myself" months ago. I hate that everything is so expensive. I hate the current ways of dating. I hate that in all my past relationships or flings I've mostly been wanted for my body and the only one that actually cared I dumped because I was young stupid and manic.

As I'm typing this it's the first time I cried in about 5 days because my dad showed up at my door unannounced. I just wanna go back to feeling nothing. If I feel nothing for long enough and hopefully eventually get bored with youtube, I will be researching exit bag method. I don't know where to buy that stuff and íf I can even buy Nitrogen without a license or something.

I feel very trapped in my reality and my body and my only escape is dreaming. I just sleep as much as I can. Hopefully soon for forever. Just wish my mind would stop going back and forth and make a decision instead of this paralysis.

Spoiler: More things i guess

[/SPOILER
I just want this pain to stop. Its been 6 years. Im so fucking tired
I dont wanna listen to my roommates having the time of their lives.
Living with complete fucking strangers.
My dad also has a lovely way of words. "You should be grateful people worry about you"
and (sarcastically): "oh well thank you for the warm welcome and your hospitality" because I wouldn't let him in.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER DAUGHTER. I WOULD GLADLY FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF THROUGH THE HEAD IF I HAD ACCESS TO A GUN AND BUY YOU ANOTHER DAUGHTER IF I COULD.

But I can't. All you get is this pathetic lump of nothingness.
It wasn't my decision to come into this world even though you try to brainwash me with your spiritual bullshit that "my soul chose to come into this body", if I chose to come into this body, then why am I doing nothing with it?

Anyways im yapping and i have a feeling nobody cares and I typed too much for anyone to care to respond. If it even matters I dont know I dont know anything anymore im just lonely and getting more derealized as the days go by]

 

[boyafraid]

I'm very sorry that you're going though all this at the moment. The kind of things your dad said remind me of what my own parents say sometimes. They are the "someone else has it worse than you, so you should be grateful" kind. I relate to not wanting to work too because of the system, and the way it's set up. Finding a job right now is hard at least in my experience. Working and while having depression is hard af too. Sorry if this is not the best thing to say lol. I try to reply to a bunch of posts on here but sometimes I don't know the best words to say.

 

[Sleeper System]

Everyone has to work. Nobody likes it.
Never in history was there a time where regular folks had it easy and could just live without worries.
It sucks. Enough of a reason to want to ctb if you ask me.
Cost of living is too much and pay is too low.
How are we supposed to be ok?

 

[lastsunset]

I'm very sorry that you're going though all this at the moment. The kind of things your dad said remind me of what my own parents say sometimes. They are the "someone else has it worse than you, so you should be grateful" kind. I relate to not wanting to work too because of the system, and the way it's set up. Finding a job right now is hard at least in my experience. Working and while having depression is hard af too. Sorry if this is not the best thing to say lol. I try to reply to a bunch of posts on here but sometimes I don't know the best words to say.

I really appreciate your response, thanks. Makes me feel less alone. Don't worry about saying the right thing, saying something is already enough. I also like to respond to ppl here even though my own life is a mess :)
And about the dad thing, yeah it sucks. I think my dad has been the start of me constantly comparing myself. And as they say it is really the thief of joy. Just annoying that its so unconscious, feels like I can't "heal" it with therapy or pills. And my dad also isn't a bad person but sometimes the way he says stuff is really hurtful so I almost feel bad that it makes me feel bad, cause he doesnt mean it like that. Idk maybe im just overthinking lol

Everyone has to work. Nobody likes it.
Never in history was there a time where regular folks had it easy and could just live without worries.
It sucks. Enough of a reason to want to ctb if you ask me.
Cost of living is too much and pay is too low.
How are we supposed to be ok?

Actually I live of benefits. In my country its fairly "easy" to get benefits if you're mentally ill. But if you're on benefits, you're like typically pretty hated or more so judged by a big part of the population because they say we're living off their taxes. Which is fair I guess. I think a lot of people also abuse this system and fake a mental illness to not have to work and because of those people we get hated even more.

Thing is I am so fkin privileged and I have doubts all the time if I'm actually mentally ill or that I'm just a pos. Like idk I guess you'd call it imposter syndrome but then with sickness. At this point in time I think I dont deserve to live the way I do. Like I basically have 0 external worries. Still I just lie in bed all day and do nothing to feel better even though I have all the freedom to do whatever I want.

This is going to sound crazy and super super entitled, but I think I actually became more depressed because I am living in like the most fortunate scenario you could imagine. But that leaves absolutely no sense of urgency. I'm not needed anywhere. I won't starve if I don't get up and do something. I won't have to live on the streets. I don't have to study and find a job. I want to tho. I really want to but I dont do it. I dont know why.

Okay I just realized how much I've typed and maybe this makes you feel even worse bc in just complaining about things which I dont even have the right to complain about

Im sorry and I hope you're okay