I can't rely on anyone

[ffulwa]

23 years of my life I've been failed my medical professionals. Kidnapped by my grandmother as a baby and only given a weekly visit to my parents. Everyone treated this BPD behaviour as normal. Had to live 22 years stuck in that panopticon of a house, watched by cameras, no locks in sight. not a bit of psychological help given, no one even cared to ask. Just had to be a tranny and have a severe medical deformity from underbite too, right? had to be told for decades that doctors could do nothing, forced to undergo two hellish lefort 3s only to continue seeing my disgusting male face shining through. No one listened to my opinion, they just had no problem seeing everything go awry for months and only bothered to tell me when the reop was already scheduled.
How many supposed professionals with decades of experience have I reached out to for help over my life? why haven't they even started to help me? what did I give up all this control FOR?

Well, I'm tired of it all. I have a million dollars in liquid assets and made my career off building fault tolerant systems for FAANG companies. The entire system let someone as destructive and talented as me grow up with no help and then decided it was a good idea to take away the little bits of comfort I clawed for in one fell swoop by taking away my meds for months, making me reoperate and forcing me back into that hell of a household now with my entire family watching me 24/7? only to now tell me that the first two weeks are pointing to a failure and need of a re-op again entirely because you all were too conservative to let me exercise my mouth and the solution to that is somehow continuing to afford me nothing for another 5 days?

I'm killing myself on wednesday and there's nothing that can stop me anymore. It's already too late to try to stop me unless you want a fuckton of lost shareholder value from me being a bit too prepared for people taking control away from me. Next week I'll go away peacefully and we can all forget just another individual lost through no one in particular's fault.

If anyone is interested in helping me out in at least letting me spread my message, I'll be in Foz do Iguaçu, Paraná, Brazil, feel free to meet me in one of the big parks or drop your phone number for me to contact you directly. You'll know me when you see me.
btw i could probably also NOT kill myself if anyone gaf even as I'm this depressed. I go dissociative during the day and I literally just have no safety net
tried to match on tinder literally just to have someone on speed dial in case things got bad and guess what
2/7 matches told me explicitly to kill myself, the other 5 didnt bother to initiate and i dont have the motivation to do it
its literally everyone, i dont blame them, i cant blame individuals anymore
i could peacefully solve all my problems if people just gave me a year to stop controlling me, you all failed, can I do my own shit for once?

 

[GoSan1]

Your situation sounds terrible ngl.

If theres one thing I learned, its that you cant really trust anyone in this world.
I only tell Jesus my problems, cause at least he wont use it against me.

Hoping and praying things get better for you, I really do.

 

[ffulwa]

woke up a little more in control of myself, but still so continually dissapointed by the imcopetence of everyone around me. I'm certain now that by my consult monday I will be asked to reop almost entirely out of spite, despite all the problems pointed to by the doctor in this week of recovery coming from over cautiousness and them giving me literally 0 room to improve my condition. I ignored all his recommendations and told him very clearly that I don't trust these professionals who've betrayed me for 20 years, then just lived mostly like normal during today, talked with friends, ate by chewing food, etc. ended up clearing my throat and mouth of a ton of dried blood, and went to sleep with a good amount of pain, to be honest, but after a couple hours of sleep I feel like im 50x more healthy now than I was before the consult simply because I got room to breathe for once.
besides that, I've tried using tinder to build a minimal support network here in Foz and being selective and honest about my condition just meant I went from 10 matches in a day to getting explicitly told to kill myself by 3 then afaik shadowbanned since my payment also got declined because of one damn thing I could have cleared up in 5m but instead the support which I explicitly warned about my condition and lack of support network just blocked my payment account and all methods, making it impossible for me to pay for even essentials on my payment account. after filling out their confusing form and receiving a response that basically said "idk whats wrong try again lol" after more than 24h I just had to contact support, explain my situation and have to listen to them repeat to me that I should fill out the form that didn't work and wait 48h. I told them I can't do that, and I'll have to endanger myself by searching for less safe methods of getting a support network going and that I'd be pursuing public and legal recourse and even still nothing is being done. Guess they'll just wait for me to kill myself, duh, otherwise who cares about bad PR
anyways I'm going to a bar in a couple hours, picking up some rando who will definitely take advantage for me and just add another occasion to the pile of evidence that everyone will allow someone mentally ill to just ruin their lives no questions asked because it's easier to take away their autonomy and wash your hands when they die than to try to understand the problem...

woke up a little more in control of myself, but still so continually dissapointed by the imcopetence of everyone around me. I'm certain now that by my consult monday I will be asked to reop almost entirely out of spite, despite all the problems pointed to by the doctor in this week of recovery coming from over cautiousness and them giving me literally 0 room to improve my condition. I ignored all his recommendations and told him very clearly that I don't trust these professionals who've betrayed me for 20 years, then just lived mostly like normal during today, talked with friends, ate by chewing food, etc. ended up clearing my throat and mouth of a ton of dried blood, and went to sleep with a good amount of pain, to be honest, but after a couple hours of sleep I feel like im 50x more healthy now than I was before the consult simply because I got room to breathe for once.
besides that, I've tried using tinder to build a minimal support network here in Foz and being selective and honest about my condition just meant I went from 10 matches in a day to getting explicitly told to kill myself by 3 then afaik shadowbanned since my payment also got declined because of one damn thing I could have cleared up in 5m but instead the support which I explicitly warned about my condition and lack of support network just blocked my payment account and all methods, making it impossible for me to pay for even essentials on my payment account. after filling out their confusing form and receiving a response that basically said "idk whats wrong try again lol" after more than 24h I just had to contact support, explain my situation and have to listen to them repeat to me that I should fill out the form that didn't work and wait 48h. I told them I can't do that, and I'll have to endanger myself by searching for less safe methods of getting a support network going and that I'd be pursuing public and legal recourse and even still nothing is being done. Guess they'll just wait for me to kill myself, duh, otherwise who cares about bad PR
anyways I'm going to a bar in a couple hours, picking up some rando who will definitely take advantage for me and just add another occasion to the pile of evidence that everyone will allow someone mentally ill to just ruin their lives no questions asked because it's easier to take away their autonomy and wash your hands when they die than to try to understand the problem...

right now I still plan on living out of spite, but frankly if I get admitted or similar that all changes very, very quickly. Even aside from that, every single experience I'm having right now just means I'm gonna need an extra week or two of complete social detox to try to at least claw back a little bit of my sympathy to the people around me. at some point pushing me further and further to isolation has got to have significant consequences right? either way it's like I said, at some point I'll just be a villainous individual, and everyone will wash their hands of everything that was done because I couldn't continue being the teacher's pet after so much torture...