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floating_cloud

floating_cloud

fading
May 30, 2024
42
My entire life, I've never known what it's like to be part of a normal, functioning family. Our household was a constant battleground filled with fights and yelling. My siblings, my mother, and I were treated like servants by my father. On top of that, our family was extremely religious, with rigid values that dominated our lives.

I've always believed I was the cause of all the conflict. If I hadn't been born, my mom might have left my narcissistic father. If I had been more religious and never left it, my parents might not have abused me. If I had been a better sibling, my brothers and sisters wouldn't have had to suffer the consequences of my parents' failures.

I moved out for university, hoping to escape all of that. Yet, even though I'm physically away, I still feel overwhelmed and unable to continue. I've tried picking up hobbies and finding ways to improve my life, but nothing seems to help. I'm still so tired, and I can't envision a future for myself. I just want it all to end.

Every day, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and guilt. It's like there's a weight on my chest that I can't shake off. I hear my father's voice in my head, telling me I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. The constant criticism and belittling have made me doubt every move I make.

I've never felt truly loved or accepted. My parents made me feel like I was a burden, like my existence was a mistake. They never supported my dreams or interests; instead, they crushed them, telling me I was foolish for even trying. Every hobby I wanted to pursue was shot down. I loved art, but they told me I needed to focus on school. I wanted to swim, but they said a girl shouldn't show her body. I was interested in judo, but they insisted it was too boyish. The emotional scars run deep, and no matter how hard I try to heal, the pain is always there.

All my childhood, all I did was try to survive and make my parents proud. I don't even know what my own personality is or what I want in life because I've never lived for myself. I've only ever lived for my parents and my family.

I struggle to connect with others because I fear they'll see the broken person I am inside. I'm always anxious, always second-guessing myself. I can't shake the feeling that I'm fundamentally flawed, that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough.

Even though I've escaped the physical environment, the mental torment follows me everywhere. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the constant feeling of inadequacy – they never leave me. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of despair, and I don't know how to break free.

I just want the pain to stop. I want to find peace, but it seems so far out of reach. Every day is a struggle to keep going, to find a reason to stay alive. I feel so alone, so misunderstood. I just want it all to end.
 
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Topacio

Topacio

Member
Aug 14, 2022
39
If only there was a button to disappear.
 
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Wolf Girl

Wolf Girl

Your friendly neighborhood suicidal wolf girl
Jun 12, 2024
315
Hey. Have you tried a judo class yet? If not, I really encourage you to give that or Brazilian jiu jitsu a try for a few months if you can afford it. Jiu jitsu worked wonders on my anxiety and stopped me from ctb at one point. If you want, you can PM me for advice about taking your first class. <3
 
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Reactions: 2messdup
thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
230
My entire life, I've never known what it's like to be part of a normal, functioning family. Our household was a constant battleground filled with fights and yelling. My siblings, my mother, and I were treated like servants by my father. On top of that, our family was extremely religious, with rigid values that dominated our lives.

I've always believed I was the cause of all the conflict. If I hadn't been born, my mom might have left my narcissistic father. If I had been more religious and never left it, my parents might not have abused me. If I had been a better sibling, my brothers and sisters wouldn't have had to suffer the consequences of my parents' failures.

I moved out for university, hoping to escape all of that. Yet, even though I'm physically away, I still feel overwhelmed and unable to continue. I've tried picking up hobbies and finding ways to improve my life, but nothing seems to help. I'm still so tired, and I can't envision a future for myself. I just want it all to end.

Every day, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of expectations and guilt. It's like there's a weight on my chest that I can't shake off. I hear my father's voice in my head, telling me I'm worthless and will never amount to anything. The constant criticism and belittling have made me doubt every move I make.

I've never felt truly loved or accepted. My parents made me feel like I was a burden, like my existence was a mistake. They never supported my dreams or interests; instead, they crushed them, telling me I was foolish for even trying. Every hobby I wanted to pursue was shot down. I loved art, but they told me I needed to focus on school. I wanted to swim, but they said a girl shouldn't show her body. I was interested in judo, but they insisted it was too boyish. The emotional scars run deep, and no matter how hard I try to heal, the pain is always there.

All my childhood, all I did was try to survive and make my parents proud. I don't even know what my own personality is or what I want in life because I've never lived for myself. I've only ever lived for my parents and my family.

I struggle to connect with others because I fear they'll see the broken person I am inside. I'm always anxious, always second-guessing myself. I can't shake the feeling that I'm fundamentally flawed, that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough.

Even though I've escaped the physical environment, the mental torment follows me everywhere. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the constant feeling of inadequacy – they never leave me. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of despair, and I don't know how to break free.

I just want the pain to stop. I want to find peace, but it seems so far out of reach. Every day is a struggle to keep going, to find a reason to stay alive. I feel so alone, so misunderstood. I just want it all to end.
eeeh... this looks very treatable, if that's the ONLY deal. have you been to therapy? this looks like the kind of things they can help you with.
 
floating_cloud

floating_cloud

fading
May 30, 2024
42
eeeh... this looks very treatable, if that's the ONLY deal. have you been to therapy? this looks like the kind of things they can help you with.
I am going through some huge financial problems so therapy isn't an option so far
What broke me even more is me getting disowned while not having a job that can support me, gonna drop out of uni too cuz I no longer can afford it,
My friend that used to help me through stuff recently left this world and I'm so sad cuz I couldn't help them
Ofc there is more stuff going on but someone really can't put it all in one post
I am trying to heal that was just a 4am rant cuz I felt so suffocated
 
floating_cloud

floating_cloud

fading
May 30, 2024
42
Hey. Have you tried a judo class yet? If not, I really encourage you to give that or Brazilian jiu jitsu a try for a few months if you can afford it. Jiu jitsu worked wonders on my anxiety and stopped me from ctb at one point. If you want, you can PM me for advice about taking your first class. <3
Thanks for the advice
 
happynot

happynot

Member
Jun 22, 2024
93
One step at a time! Search for the therapy at lower cost or at the university..start walking and everything will be all right
 

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