I can't help but wonder what people will think

[derpyderpins]

I know it's a pointless exercise, but there's something fascinating to me about imagining how different people may react to finding out I killed myself. Beyond my close people, I know my family would be devastated.

But so many others throughout the years.

Old friends, old enemies. People I worked with. People who knew me in passing: in elementary school, middle school, high school. People with whom I had fallouts.

What about my first crush? My longest running unrequited highschool crush? Past girlfriend? Girl I hurt? Girl who hurt me?

What about the friend I had a fight with? The one I talked to again. The one I didn't. The one who was part of my life over a decade ago and probably forgot it all.

What about that friend group? The first guys I chose to be my friends at university, when I had choice in friends. What about roommates? The one I was assigned, the one who mentored me, the one I got saddled with.

What about the people at my favorite bar? Who was really my friend and who was just doing their job or looking to pass time? What about every person in a group I tried to be in, who had thought about inviting me before deciding against it?

What about people whose texts I never got around to responding to? What about the people who never responded to me? Who I never heard from again?

I'm sure plenty of people have not liked me. I know of a bunch that for sure don't/didn't, but I'm sure plenty have rolled their eyes at me, or even hated me from the background. I certainly couldn't blame them.

A lot of people have a good image, though. Hundreds came to my wedding. Sure, most were friends of my parents rather than me directly, but I guess they'd be sad... or would they?

Sad for a few minutes, then move on. That's probably by far the most common.

Or maybe devastated for quite a while. Probably not many. Most people are good at moving on. They'd be sad if I'm ever brought up but otherwise be okay.

"That's so sad, but not surprising. He was messed up."

"Something had to be wrong with him, I knew it."

"He was creepy. honestly it was probably for the better."

"He was a dick. I never thought he was funny, he just wanted attention." "He was so fucking cringe, but still it's sad you hate to see it happen to anyone but yeah he was cringe."

"He was so weird. I guess this explains it."

Maybe "I knew he had issues, but not this bad . . ." or "he always made everything so dramatic. How selfish to do this to his loved ones."

"Why would he do this to us? Couldn't he have kept going? He could have reached out!"

Probably a lot of "who?"

"Oh yeah that guy. idk never thought about him."

"He was like a kid, not a man."

"What a shame, it's because of [political talking point.]"

At least a few would say: "not surprising. He was weak." "Mentally weak. Too lazy." "Just couldn't cut it, that's why we had to fire him." "He was pathetic. He needed external validation and was desperate for it," basically an NPC following society's rules even if he theorized against them.

"He pissed me off so much."

I think about all of it.

It may not make sense or feel like it relates to this post, but I feel so very disconnected. My soul isn't on the same plane as those around me. It feels like whatever energy is supposed to keep my body animated has gone somewhere else. It's not that my limbs feel heavy, it's that they aren't lifted at all. They're just there.

And people keep living their lives. I guess that's why I'm thinking about people. How do they think and see? I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I'm special, but I know they don't think like me. Their brain isn't as much of a pain in the ass.

I guess another thing is that I know how my close people will react, because that's how close people react. The more interesting question is the sum of it. A life. How many feel they were better, worse, or unaffected by my presence? Was separating from me for the best? Was I a negative? Because I've been more of a negative to myself.

 

[58Alice85]

I don't think anyone even remembers me.
My parents will be happy (they hate me with a burning passion)

 

[itsgone2]

I used to think people would just be shocked but I agree with some of your comments like, people will also recognize there was something wrong with me. In hindsight I can see I've been different than others, not in a good way.

 

[derpyderpins]

I've thought about this for the longest time. What would people think? What would people say? But then I realized that it doesn't matter. Of course those fucking normies are going to judge us. And so what? If we are lucky enough, we'll be dead by then. Their opinions won't matter anymore

I think it's a fair point that the opinions don't matter once you're gone.

My thing is - and I get that I posted this to suicide discussion - that I'm thinking about it while I'm still alive and not killing myself, I guess as part of the equation on what value this life has. I think you also hit on it with pointing out that everyone makes judgments. My post may have sounded like I'm just talking bad about myself, but I'm also considering human nature and how much I should limit myself from caring about certain opinions. The specifics I'm thinking of are a case study, if that makes sense.

 

[9ofHearts]

I've learned that nearly all of the people that I considered "friends" in my life ended up talking behind my back. I'm sure that a select few would miss me, but I feel like I'll be held in a bit of contempt.

Either way, it doesn't really matter once you've left the mortal realm.

 

[-Link-]

The more interesting question is the sum of it. A life. How many feel they were better, worse, or unaffected by my presence? Was separating from me for the best? Was I a negative?

Everyone we ever interact with, leaves some kind of mark on us. Mostly, there's no real way to quantify what effect we've had on others. There is so much that goes on in the human subconscious. Even if someone was to outright tell you that you had a negative effect on them, you might actually find differently if it was possible to objectively measure that effect.

If you want a general idea, you could ask yourself questions like: Do I genuinely wish good upon others? Do I treat people with respect? Do I consider other people's perspectives? Do I actively listen to others? Do I try to ensure people feel safe around me? Do people come to me for advice or support? Do I use my time and energy to help others in some way? (If you add to this, try to avoid questions that are vulnerable to being tainted by depression.)

The more "yes's" you're hitting with questions like that, the more you can be assured you've been a net positive in life.

How much should this truly matter to us? Most of us need a bit of outside reassurance now and then, so I think it's OK to allow ourselves that, just without over-focusing on it and while keeping a balanced perspective on the (perceived?) judgements of people who don't know the whole of us.

 

[noname223]

I know it's a pointless exercise, but there's something fascinating to me about imagining how different people may react to finding out I killed myself. Beyond my close people, I know my family would be devastated.

But so many others throughout the years.

Old friends, old enemies. People I worked with. People who knew me in passing: in elementary school, middle school, high school. People with whom I had fallouts.

What about my first crush? My longest running unrequited highschool crush? Past girlfriend? Girl I hurt? Girl who hurt me?

What about the friend I had a fight with? The one I talked to again. The one I didn't. The one who was part of my life over a decade ago and probably forgot it all.

What about that friend group? The first guys I chose to be my friends at university, when I had choice in friends. What about roommates? The one I was assigned, the one who mentored me, the one I got saddled with.

What about the people at my favorite bar? Who was really my friend and who was just doing their job or looking to pass time? What about every person in a group I tried to be in, who had thought about inviting me before deciding against it?

What about people whose texts I never got around to responding to? What about the people who never responded to me? Who I never heard from again?

I'm sure plenty of people have not liked me. I know of a bunch that for sure don't/didn't, but I'm sure plenty have rolled their eyes at me, or even hated me from the background. I certainly couldn't blame them.

A lot of people have a good image, though. Hundreds came to my wedding. Sure, most were friends of my parents rather than me directly, but I guess they'd be sad... or would they?

Sad for a few minutes, then move on. That's probably by far the most common.

Or maybe devastated for quite a while. Probably not many. Most people are good at moving on. They'd be sad if I'm ever brought up but otherwise be okay.

"That's so sad, but not surprising. He was messed up."

"Something had to be wrong with him, I knew it."

"He was creepy. honestly it was probably for the better."

"He was a dick. I never thought he was funny, he just wanted attention." "He was so fucking cringe, but still it's sad you hate to see it happen to anyone but yeah he was cringe."

"He was so weird. I guess this explains it."

Maybe "I knew he had issues, but not this bad . . ." or "he always made everything so dramatic. How selfish to do this to his loved ones."

"Why would he do this to us? Couldn't he have kept going? He could have reached out!"

Probably a lot of "who?"

"Oh yeah that guy. idk never thought about him."

"He was like a kid, not a man."

"What a shame, it's because of [political talking point.]"

At least a few would say: "not surprising. He was weak." "Mentally weak. Too lazy." "Just couldn't cut it, that's why we had to fire him." "He was pathetic. He needed external validation and was desperate for it," basically an NPC following society's rules even if he theorized against them.

"He pissed me off so much."

I think about all of it.

It may not make sense or feel like it relates to this post, but I feel so very disconnected. My soul isn't on the same plane as those around me. It feels like whatever energy is supposed to keep my body animated has gone somewhere else. It's not that my limbs feel heavy, it's that they aren't lifted at all. They're just there.

And people keep living their lives. I guess that's why I'm thinking about people. How do they think and see? I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I'm special, but I know they don't think like me. Their brain isn't as much of a pain in the ass.

I guess another thing is that I know how my close people will react, because that's how close people react. The more interesting question is the sum of it. A life. How many feel they were better, worse, or unaffected by my presence? Was separating from me for the best? Was I a negative? Because I've been more of a negative to myself.

I think in my case many would not find it out. I am not connected to most of my former class mates or people I met. I never learned about anyone's death thus far. Or maybe I have already forgotten it.
And I think barely anyone would think much about my death. I am not important enough to these people. And that's okay. For these people I am a stranger and nothing more. And I want exactly that. I open myself to a few people that mean the World to me. The rest? Will probably unaffected by my suicide.

 

[TBONTB]

OP you did an interesting job of thinking about all the "angles" people's thoughts would go to. I'm sure there's a huge variety based on the personality of the individual and what their impression of you truly was. I do think most people think it's sad when there is a death, regardless of whether they really liked the person who passed on

I once had a coworker...worked closely with her for a while, and thought she was nice enough. She left the company and I didn't think about her much. Several years later I learned she had committed suicide. We all said - wow, that's surprising! Who knew! And I think "well that's too bad". I remember thinking she seemed so normal, I was super surprised. But it didn't take up much space in my brain.

I also think it's interesting why our brains want to think about this. These distant folks don't really matter to us any more than we matter to them. Why are we spending brain cells on this? Must be something in evolutionary biology...I just don't know what.